Iranian President Wins
by Tamara Zanutha Day
TEHRAN, Iran — Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his "noble efforts to secure peace by reducing the disparity in nuclear fighting capability in the Middle East."
Prize Committee Chairwoman Aiva P. Brayne made the announcement here Thursday at Ahmadinejad's alma mater, the Iran University of Science and Technology, where he achieved a doctorate in transportation engineering.
"Ahmadinejad is an unparalleled warrior for peace," Brayne said. "We are confident that his efforts will ensure peace in the Middle East for generations to come because his insistence that Iran become a nuclear power will stabilize the region in much the same way that the nuclear bomb in the hands of Russia, China and the United States has prevented those super powers from instigating a third world war for 65 years."
Kay Sirah-Sirah, an Egyptian-Norwegian member of the Nobel committee, said the group was impressed with Ahmadinejad's tolerance, patience and aversion to violence.
"Not only has he ensured peace inside Iran," she said, "but he also has made special efforts to fund peace keeping missions outside his country. We were especially impressed with the manner in which he has sent peace keeping groups the equipment they need to secure long-term peace in Iraq, Israel and Afghanistan.
"The explosives, mines, grenade launchers and ground-to-air rockets that he has put in the hands of freedom fighters will further their efforts to expel unjust occupiers from those countries.
"If his efforts succeed, the entire region will be unified under the banner of the peaceful religion of Islam."
She said that she cast her vote for Ahmadinejad only after consulting the only Iranian-American to have won the Nobel prize, named for the man who invented dynamite.
Norwegian historian A. Bohn Head, another Nobel committee member, said he voted for the Iranian president because of his efforts to correct inaccurate historical accounts of the Holocaust.
"For decades people accepted the propaganda that the Nazis killed Jews simply because of their race or religion," Head said. "It took Ahmadinejad to wake up people to the greatest fraud ever perpetrated on mankind — that millions of Jews were killed in the late '30s and '40s."
CNN talk show host Larry King said he was happy to see Ahmadinejad win the award.
"This will go a long way toward restoring the prestige of the Nobel Peace Prize," King said. "After giving the prize to Obama before he had accomplished anything and to former Vice-President Al Gore for a book that was later shown to be full of untruths, the Nobel committee has redeemed itself with this brave decision."
Michael Steele, chairman of the Republican Party, said he had no comment on Ahmadinejad's prize.
"I took a lot of heat for suggesting that the prize meant nothing when President Obama won it just for things he said he was going to do and before he had done anything," Steele said. "The DNC chairman even said I sided with terrorists when I said it was unfortunate that Obama won over more worthy candidates. I think this time I'll just keep my thoughts to myself."
An unidentified hacker broke into the Nobel committee's server and learned that candidates who were passed over this year included Venezuela President Hugo Chavez, former Cuba President Fidel Castro and mockumentary producer Michael Moore.
"Chavez would have made a wonderful choice," said Samuela Sosa-Liszt, president of Women Against Rivalry (WAR). "He has almost totally eliminated street riots against the government, which has vastly increased safety in Venezuela."
This might have been Castro's last chance for a Nobel prize as reports filtering out of the country indicate that the aging pacifist is suffering from ills common to octogenarians.
Castro was previously nominated by a genius member of the Norwegian parliament, Hallgeir Langeland. This year he was nominated by Magoo F. Ball, a second-generation Pakistani who lives in England.
"Castro has done more to bring peace to the Caribbean than any other human being," Ball said. "I wanted to honor him for his commitment to help the downtrodden."
Moore's nomination is his first. He was nominated by Sharon Sherralyke, his biographer.
"Michael has done more to bring down the evils of capitalism than any other film maker," Sherralyke said.
An anonymous member of the Nobel committee said Obama is currently the leading contender for next year's prize for his work to stop the Deepwater Horizon oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico.
"You can just tell that Obama loves the sea turtles and the dolphins by his never-ending work to end the greatest environmental disaster of the century," the source said. "He immediately took charge of the situation and within 40 days had underwater equipment on site that was needed to solve the problem. For his outstanding leadership and his ability to read teleprompters, he definitely will be nominated and most likely be awarded his second Nobel Peace Prize."