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Obama to Brewer: 'Stop stalking me!'

by Fisher Kutt Bate

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Obama has a simple message for Arizona Governor Jan Brewer: "Stop stalking me if you want to stay out of jail!"

Brewer complained publicly last week that she repeatedly has tried to talk with Obama and former Arizona governor and current Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, but neither has returned any of her phone calls or letters.

"I've tried to figure out why the president won't talk with me," she said. "He welcomes the president of Mexico and applauds him for criticizing Arizona, but he doesn't have the decent courtesy of communicating with me.

"We're the drug corridor of the world, Phoenix is now the kidnapping capital of the country, and neither the president nor Ms. Napolitano are doing a thing to help us stem this flood of terror. It's hard to believe that they wouldn't even read our immigration enforcement bill before mischaracterizing and slamming it. We can't take it anymore."

Assistant White House Press Secretary May K. Segal said the president and his cabinet officials are too busy dealing with international and national issues to spend time dealing with Brewer and her local problems.

"What the president does with his time is his business," she said. "I might point out that Obama, unlike his predecessor, leads a balanced life and allocates plenty of time to take part in athletic exercise in order to reduce stress

"In fact, Obama already has golfed eight times as often as President Bush did in his entire eight years," Bach said. "And he did it by sacrificing time that otherwise would have been wasted talking with conservatives like Ms. Brewer."

Spokesman Harry R. Mzanbak of the U.S. Secret Service said Obama has made it clear that he wants no contact with Ms. Brewer and intends to file for a restraining order if she persists in seeking personal contact.

"We consider her revealing the nature of their relationship or lack thereof to violate the privacy of the president," Mzanbak said. "She is obviously self-centered and displays impatience, annoyance, irritability, anger and verbal abuse, all indications of antisocial personality disorder. She is not the sort of person with which the president wishes to communicate. He has directed that none of his cabinet members communicate with her, either."

FBI stalking expert Mary Annette Woodin said the persistence of Brewer to contact Napolitano is reminiscent of John Hinckley Jr., whose obsession of actress Jodie Foster culminated in an attempted assassination of President Ronald Reagan in 1981.

"Just like Hinckley, Ms. Brewer wants a relationship with a woman, in this case Ms. Napolitano," Woodin said. "And when she can't get it, she goes after the president of the United States. And she also thinks people ought to be able to carry guns."

Napolitano said Brewer's public histrionics should give pause to question the governor's sanity.

"I think she's crazy," Napolitano said. "Jan was obviously nuts to sign a bill that is obviously racist — at least that's what people who have read it have told me — and she insanely expects me to help her with her Mexican problem. I'm a Democrat, and we have worked long and hard to get the support of the Hispanic people, and we're not about to jeopardize that by talking with, being seen with, or supporting anybody who is loco enough to want undocumented aliens sent back home."

Brewer said she has an interest in pursuing a personal relationship with neither Napolitano nor Obama but wants help in preventing rampant crime that has resulted from a flood of illegal aliens.

"I've heard of all kinds of excuses why I can't get a return phone call," she said, "The long distance calls cost too much, President Obama doesn't want to get caught talking to another woman again, the federal answering machines are broken, they lost my number, they can't remember which time zone Arizona uses, they lost my messages, you name it. I personally think that Obama is doing exactly what Rahm Emanuel told him to do, which is to take political advantage of every crisis, even if it's a crisis that the Democrats maintain."

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“People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better press than people who are just funny and smart.” — Howard Simons

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