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Obama: 'We'll Borrow to Bail Out Greece'
by Al K. Seltzer
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Barack Obama said Tuesday his administration had set in motion procedures that would allow the United States to borrow $1 trillion to bail out Greece.
"All the top economists in the world from both the left and the right agree that we must do this," he said. "Therefore, I am calling upon patriotic Americans today to support my decision to borrow money from Communist China to support Greece's grand experiment in sharing the wealth.
"If we all put our shoulder to the wheel and share equally in this effort, the sacrifice will be lessened. My mathematicians tell me that $1 trillion divided by our 320 million citizens works out to a paltry $31,200 per man, woman and child.
"With an average of 3.14 persons per family, that means each family will take on a minor debt of $97,968, before interest, to get the full benefit of allowing Greece to continue sharing the wealth. That is less than we're paying to bail out our own government, so I'm confident that all rational citizens will support me fully in agreeing to help our sister country."
Adam Sheim of the Government Reduction Education group (GREED) said Obama's plan makes as much sense as taking out a second mortgage to buy a new Escalade for a casual acquaintance who already has a Lexus that she can't afford.
"Obama wants to save Greece because it would look bad if another Socialist government were to fail," he said. "The problem is that Greece spends too much, just like Obama and the extremist liberals who support his crazy idea that the best way to get out of debt is to borrow and spend more money."
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said Obama's plan to bail out Greece with borrowed funds is wise.
"There isn't a family in America who would not take out a hundred grand in credit card debt to help a neighbor who had retired too early and had spent all of her nest egg," she said. "None of us would be so cruel as to require that neighbor to go back to work or to make her sell her Lexxus and buy a five-year-old Toyota.
"After all, some Toyotas have gas pedals that stick, and how would you feel if she lost control and drove right into your kitchen?"
Obama's foreign finance czar, Paye Thoreau D'Knowes, said Greece's problems are too complicated to be explained through any means that ordinary citizens, including senators and congressmen, could understand.
"Just trust us," he said. "We know what we're doing. We also have an ace up our sleeves, which is superinflation. It might sound crazy, but our backup plan is to print enough money to pay off our debt. That would devalue the dollar and drive up the price of everything, but we could eliminate our federal deficit overnight. We would rather postpone doing that, so we're hoping we don't have to bail out any more countries. It's hard to swallow a $1,000 orange even if you're no longer in debt."
The Greek government has suggested raising the retirement age from 61 to 63 by 2015, but country's unions are fighting the proposal. Obama said he supports the unions in Greece and hopes that U.S. bailout funds prevent such early retirements.
Meanwhile, former Social Security Director Armena Laig said the U.S. must raise its retirement age from the current 65.
"Our system already is going broke," she said. "Think of Social Security as a mother pig. If we feed her enough, she gives lots of milk and the little piglets grow up to become big, ugly hogs. But if we starve her, she can't support such a big brood. If we don't stop spending so much on bailing out banks or countries, retirees will have to be 85 or 86 to get benefits. That ought to solve the problem because most people will die before they start sucking on the pig."