Today's Synapses

Upon learning that former U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano signed a "stand your ground" bill when she was Arizona governor, Phoenix digital photographer S. Dee Chip said, "I didn't realize she had done anything that smart."

If Mitt wins the presidency, will Ann Romney say, "For the first time in my life, I'm proud of my country"?

Bill Cosby asks, "What is solved by calling Trayvon Martin's killer a racist?" Florida gun owner Buck Schott answers: "Al Sharpton's and Jesse Jackson's financial problems."

Obama revises 2013 budget. "I thought of some more people who want money," he said.

Tweeter Larry White has a question for Democrats who said Ann Romney, never having "worked a day in her life" and "never holding a real job," couldn't possibly know how the economy affects women. "Did you ever stop to think a stay-at-home mom with access to media all day might be better informed than a woman obsessed with her job?"

Limerick of the Day

Their wuntz wuz a college age nerse
Hoo thawt Inglish wurdz whirra kerse
Sed shee with a cye
All never git bye
Eather spellun or reedun is wurce

Craig and Rich LaRocco

Billionaires beg Obama: Please raise our taxes

by Armond Hammer

April 20, 2012, Washington, DC — All 38 members of a billionaires club met with President Obama's wealth redistribution czar today to lobby for higher taxes on themselves.

"We were hoping to meet the president on the day our taxes are due," said club president Sannet Aryum, a Lebanese immigrant who made his fortune by selling toilet seats to the U.S. Air Force. "We didn't realize he had flown out this morning to go golfing today with his buddy Eldrick, or I would have presented him with a $200,000 check to cover his expenses on the trip."

Daily Caller reporter Penny Lane, who earlier had tried to solicit IRS contributions from 24 millionaires who unsuccessfully tried to get their taxes raised in November, met Aryum's group at the White House. Holding an Ipad linked directly to the Department of the Treasury website, she asked all 38 billionaires to use their credit cards to donate money to the Department of the Treasury but was rejected by each tycoon.

Hot diggity dawg dig at Obama?

"Why do you want the government to force you to pay higher taxes, but you won't pay them on your own?" she asked billionaire Donna May Ksentz.

"We don't want taxes just on billionaires," Ksentz said. "That wouldn't make sense. If all the billionaires in America doubled our taxes the way President Obama's Buffet Rule would do, it would fund the government for only one day. If we include all the millionaires, we could fund the government for a week."

Billionaire Rhea Lee Rich, who earned boatloads of money by installing computer software on government computers, said she supports a higher tax on the uberwealthy to prevent them from investing in businesses that could compete with her corporation.

"People don't realize it, but doubling the minimum tax for millionaires from 15 percent to 30 percent along with applying Social Security taxes and Medicare taxes to the entire income of millionaires would do a lot of good," she said. "Our state taxes will go up, too. And some people have been asking for a return to the 90 percent income tax rate that the wealthy paid just after World War II. That would be fantastic because by the time their other taxes were factored in, my competitors would be paying 128 percent. So the more they make, the less they would take home. That would be an ideal situation for me."

Darren Jurr, who inherited his billions from his great-great grandfather, who invented a tiny handgun, said he has wanted the federal government to take more money from him for 25 years.

"I thought Clinton might do it," he said, "but he chickened out during his first term when he thought higher taxes could hurt the economy and cost him a second term. The Democrats ended up losing control of Congress, and the Republicans balanced the budget so that Monica Lewinsky's boyfriend didn't even need my money.

"But times have changed, and now I'm insisting that Congress raise my taxes."

Casper M. Dohner, a billionaire who made his fortune selling fortune cookies baked in his San Diego bakery, said he wants the government to raise his taxes because he is afraid his children will inherit all his wealth if the government doesn't get it first.

"When the darned Republicans won Congress after 40 years of a Democrat majority, one of the first things they did was get rid of the death tax," he said. "I was really unhappy about that because if my kids get anything I leave behind, I don't want it to be much."

Dohner said he has more children than any of the other members of the club because he made bank deposits from 1987 until 2007 to invest in his future. The California banks he chose, however, did not accept money, only DNA samples that were subsequently sold to couples with infertility problems.

"I got about 1,700 kids at last count," he said. "Some of 'em look just like me, which is really spooky. But like any good father, I don't want them to be spoiled with my money."

Billionaire Cal Q. Layder, who made his money by investing in the first electronic abacus, said he has tried to follow the example of his idol, Forrest Gump, who similarly made a fortune by sheer accident.

"I'm really a lot like Forrest," he said, "My mamma say my brain is like a box of chocolates, and she never knows what I'm gonna say next. I figger the gubment is lots smarter than me and knows lots better how to spend my money. So I'm for higher taxes, too. I wanna do my part to help our great leader put everybody on food stamps."

Party planner Winsom Cash, who said he earned his billions by investing blackjack earnings in a Las Vegas party planning business, said he wants to give back, just as most patriotic citizens wish to do.

"The federal government is running out of money and can hardly afford to put on a good shindig in my town anymore," he said. "I wanna help the GSA and any other bureaucracy have the time of their lives next time they come to my town, but they won't have the cash to do a bangup job unless billionaires' taxes go way up."

Billionaire Anita Hoar, whose earnings came from investments in Colombian escort services, said she wants her taxes raised so that federal agents can afford to enjoy breaks from their stressful jobs.

"I recently read that one of the president's security men couldn't even afford to spend $47 on a date," she said. "I really want to contribute."

Skinnyreporter interviewed half a dozen chauffeurs, helicopter pilots and jet pilots that had transported the club members to Washington. Most were worried that their bosses would end up paying so much money to the government that they would lose their jobs.

"My boss told me not to worry," said Rusty Bentley, the chauffeur for advertising tycoon Bill Bored. "He said he'll let half his designers and sales staff go before he changes his lifestyle."

Another billionaire's jet pilot, Ernst Wings, said his boss, Les Payne, who earned a fortune by inventing an anesthesia that reduces pain without causing nausea, said he also has been assured of continued employment.

"Still, I'm a little worried," Payne said. "Mr. Wings told me if he has to cut back, he might start cutting corners on aircraft maintenance."

Just then the billionaires' club began chanting, "Higher taxes! Higher taxes! We want to pay higher taxes!"

And with that they left the building, saying they would be back at the same time next year unless the White House is occupied by Mitt Romney, who has vowed to adopt a mandate that will coerce billionaires who wish to pay higher tax rates to do so voluntarily.

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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