Journalists praise God and Obama for killing Bin Laden
by Ty Preider
WASHINGTON, D.C., May 1, 2011 — Journalists tonight praised President Obama and God after they learned U.S. troopers had killed Osama Bin Laden at his enormous mansion in Pakistan.
"This proves that President Obama is on the side of God," NBC reporter Dick Gregory said on the MSNBC cable network. "President Bush couldn't find Bin Laden. It took a Democrat to kill him. Praise be to God!"
Bob Schieffer of CBS News said Obama deserves full credit because he had made the killing of Bin Laden his No. 1 goal.
"The president received intelligence from Pakistan that Bin Laden was hiding in a mansion in Abbottabad," Schieffer said. "He determined the intelligence was accurate, and so he masterminded a military operation to take out the number one terrorist in the world. Praise be to Obama!"
Secret Service Director Darren Deede said he persuaded the president not to join personally in the assault on Bin Laden's mansion.
"I just thought it was too dangerous for the leader of the free world to raid the house," he said.
Obama delayed the announcement of the killing until after the Army's chief medical examiner, Dr. Dee N. Eitest, finished a positive identification of the Saudi terrorist's remains by comparing the dead man's misshapen face with photographs.
Andrea Mitchell of NBC News said she was overjoyed to hear that Bin Laden had been killed.
"I had been really worried that President Obama might not win reelection next year," she said, "but this proves that God wants him to be president for another four years. This is a game changer."
CBS News Director Al Bynoe said Obama's decision to send more troops into Afghanistan led to Bin Laden's death.
"President Bush didn't send enough people to Afghanistan," Bynoe said from his darkened office, where he spends most of his time protecting his skin and eyes from the sun. "President Obama, on the other hand, placed so many troops in Afghanistan that Bin Laden was forced to hide a few hundred yards from the West Point of Pakistan. President Obama is just as brilliant as we had been told. Praise to Obama!"
Wolf Blitzer, director of the CNN news program "The Situation Room," said Obama and his newly confirmed Secretary of Defense, U.S. Army Gen. B.A. Wahl, deserve credit for killing Bin Laden.
"President Bush was an abysmal failure as a military leader," he said, "but President Obama was determined to kill Bin Laden. All praise to President Obama!"
Crowds gathered around the White House and Ground Zero in Manhattan as word of Bin Laden's death spread. Waving flags, singing and chanting, men, women and children celebrated in a manner reminiscent of celebrations throughout the Muslim world immediately after the Twin Towers fell on Sept. 1, 2001.
"I got down here as soon as I could," said one of the revelers, Wellets L. Abreight of Virginia. "This is almost as big as the Super Bowl. Praise be to our great leader."
CNN Religious News Editor Pearl E. Gates said God protected Bin Laden until now because he wanted to help Obama's reelection bid.
"God and President Obama make a great team," Gates said. "Now we know how the creator of the universe wants us all to vote next November."
Military analyst for ABC News, Colonel Hyde Cannons, said U.S. intelligence never could have tracked down Bin Laden without Obama's support.
"President Obama called our Bin Laden relocation team almost every week to give them pep talks," Cannons said. "Our spies consistently told me they would have given up long ago if it weren't for our great Commander-In-Chief."
The leader of the team that conducted the final assault on Bin Laden's mansion said Obama inspired him and his charges "beyond words."
"I can't even begin to describe it," Navy Seals Warrant Officer Kerry Gunns said, "and so I won't."
He said three other Seals, Baugh M. Zaway, Moshey N. Gunn and S. Nye Purr, were so motived by Obama's personal encouragement that they were equally at a loss for words.
President Obama said Bin Laden's body will not be treated in the manner dictated by Islamafascist custom.
"I originally was planning to behead Osama personally, tie his head and his corpse behind my limo and then drive down Pennsylvania," Obama said. "But I've since decided to treat his six foot four inch frame in the Christian fashion — let the coroners cut him to pieces, bottle his brain and liver, and then treat what's left with respect and according to the wishes of his family."
Doug Graves, director of the U.S. Navy Corpse Disposal Corps, said he has directed that Bin Laden's body will be buried at sea within 24 hours as per Muslim requirements.
"Bin Laden hijacked Islam," Graves said, "so he wasn't actually a Muslim. I have determined that his punishment should be to receive an Islamic burial at sea. Therefore, we have put him on an Israeli ship, which will chum with fish guts and then feed Osama to the sharks."
Meanwhile, the Al Jazeera television network reported Sunday night that an Al Qaeda spiritualist, Allah Noh Izbal-Loni, conversed with Bin Laden after his death.
"He said there are no virgins left in paradise," Izbal-Loni said. "Osama said he immediately needs 200 Muslim virgins to die as suicide bombers in the next 72 hours to serve him and his fellow martrys."
Al Jazeera reported that only six or seven virgins immediately volunteered. None was younger than 64 or weighed less than 280 pounds.
Potential candidate Donald Trump, whose reality show was interrupted by the news that Bin Laden had been killed, said he has hired investigators to find a death certificate.