Al Qaeda finding few candidates to replace Bin Laden
by Ed Ditter
ISLAMABAD, Pakistan, May 5, 2011 — Al Qaeda members have formed a search committee for a new leader, but insiders say a lack of qualified candidates is frustrating the effort.
"Osama Bin Laden groomed 12 replacements," said one of his bodyguards, Wa-Na-Daifur Ah-Kahz, "but all of them are no longer candidates because they reside at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, or paradise. We have a lot of fourteen to eighteen-year-olds who want to take our fallen holy warrior's place, but not one has the prerequisite money, charisma and courage."
Ah-Kahz said the new Al Qaeda chief must have enough courage to place women and children between himself and enemy combatants. He also must have strong enough convictions that he is willing to recruit children and mentally challenged young men to die as suicide martyrs to further the cause.
Bin Laden's parapsychologist, Ah-Strah Lah-Jer, said messages the post-mortal jihadist has sent from the other side of the veil have not been particularly encouraging to potential successors.
"It seems that previous messages from paradise were garbled," he said. "On Monday night Osama's spirit on my Ouija board sent a message that each martyr has .072 free male vegans, not 72 female virgins. This is a major disappointment to most prospective jihadists."
Al Qaeda Finance Chief Imad Ata' Si-Alz, who survived the Navy Seals assault on Bin Laden's Abbottabad compound, said the group is almost out of money and needs a new leader who can contribute $3 billion to the cause.
"Most of the candidates for supreme commander of Al Qaeda are penniless and cannot even buy their own Chinese rifles," See-Alz said.
CIA Al Qaeda Specialist Eaton Freely said the next Bin Laden must be prepared to give up many amenities of civilization, such as cable TV, Internet access and adequate food.
"Osama's successor will be on the run his whole life," Freely said, "which probably won't be long. Once an Al Qaeda leader is identified, he lives an average of four years."
Bin Laden beat the average, according to Democrat Party leader Beau N. Hedd, because President Bush is "not as coordinated as President Obama."
"Whether it's baseball, football, juggling or basketball," Hedd said, "President Obama is just plain better. When President Bush took his eye off the ball and fought in Iraq, he fumbled. On the other hand, President Obama was involved in four wars — Libya, Iraq, Afghanistan and Donald Trump — and he still kept his eye on the ball."
Al Qaeda Personnel Director Asa Nyne said Bin Laden's successor must have an excellent work ethic. A tendency to be easily distracted from the task at hand has forced several otherwise qualified prospects to withdraw their names from consideration, including Abdul Bin Lofan, Rashad Bin Lyon, Ahmad Bin Slih-Pan, Rashad Bin Dreem'N and Mohammad Bin Bu-Zin.
Nyne said the pool of candidates has shrunken "in big way" since 20,000 mujahideen employees quit the organization in 2008 after the Bush surge.
"We were growing until Bush sent so many occupying forces that we lost thousands of our best workers on the job," he said. "Nobody seemed to want to replace them. But we have more than 5,000 madrassas doing their best to convert schoolchildren to future infidel eliminators, so we're confident things will turn around within 10 years or so."
Al Qaeda Security Chief Wah-Iz Kurrah-Kur said another factor that has led to a shortage of qualified candidates is that the new U.S. president after the 2012 elections is expected to place a reward of at least $5 million on Bin Laden's replacement.
"A lot of Muslims nowadays have tasted of the evils of capitalism," Kurrah-Kur said. "And a lot of them are tempted by central heating and air conditioning, sumptuous meals, burqaless women, movies, music and sports. They know somebody gave up the fugitive lifestyle and became an instant millionaire by giving up Bin Laden, and they don't want to ruin their chances of winning a similar prize."
Quote of the Day
"The terrorists thrive on the support of tyrants and the resentments of oppressed peoples. When tyrants fall, and resentment gives way to hope, men and women in every culture reject the ideologies of terror, and turn to the pursuits of peace. Everywhere that freedom takes hold, terror will retreat." — President George W. Bush