Obama touts Volt sales

Killer whales appeal lawsuit

"Some judges are idiots," said Federal Consumer Protection Administration Deputy Chief Kay Jeebey after a federal judge ruled that she can't make tobacco companies put graphic images of cancer victims on cigarette packs. "It's not against freedom of speech to make people say what we think they should say," she said. "This is a disaster. Now we won't be able to make manufacturers use graphic images of victims on other products. I was really looking forward to seeing heart attack victims on Twinkies and pictures of dead kids on skateboards."

The Koch brothers, who donate to the Tea Party, pump up gasoline prices by increasing the supply, says Obama reelection campaign manager Jim Messina, who learned economics in college by selling University of Montana tee shirts at a loss.

Rick Santorum said Mitt Romney's tax plan is Obama-style class warfare because it raises taxes on the wealthiest Americans. "Mitt is a rich and out-of-touch elite from Massachusetts and can't identify with ordinary folks," Santorum said. "You can't trust guys who have as much money as Mitt. I certainly couldn't afford to make a $10,000 bet like he tried to do because I make only about $17,000 a week."

Sarah Palin said she can't understand why Mitt Romney is getting the Tea Party vote in states such as Pennsylvania and Michigan. "Mitt campaigned for Tea Party candidates like Christine O'Donnell and Nikki Haley," she said, "so I can see why those individual candidates might endorse him, but why would the Tea Party endorse Mitt when Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich are available? Those guys spent years in Washington, and as part of the Republican establishment, they should be the guys getting the Tea Party endorsement."

Occupy Wall Street protester Redd Haring said he knows who is behind the hoax involving a phony 1% tip on a $133.54 restaurant bill. "Let's just say I've reformatted my MacBook Pro," he said.

Newt Gingrich said he has the other Republican presidential candidates "right where he wants them." If I can talk Rick Santorum and Ron Paul into getting out of the race and giving me their delegates, I would need only about 48 delegates to catch up to Romney," he said.

Even if famous Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona proves that President Obama's U.S. birth certificate is a fake, no federal court will keep Obama from running for reelection, said U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder. "I have instructed all federal judges to throw out any case involving the president," he said. "The Constitution does not address how to challenge the qualifications of a presidential candidate, and so no judge can make a ruling unless the Constitution is amended, and that ain't going to happen with Democrats in charge of Washington."

A Democrat congressman from New York is complaining about an a Metro ad that reads, "President Obama wants politicians and bureaucrats to control America's entire medical system. Go to hell Barack." Rep. Hertz Phielings said the ad is disrespectful. "Why the hell are we allowing profanity on public transportation?" he said. "The First Amendment shouldn't apply to criticism of our great leader on public transportation that he pays for."

Woo hoo! Coeds celebrate Democrat birth control vote

by Dinah Moe
Skinnyreporter.com

March 2, 2012, Washington, DC — Coeds across the country started a month-long celebration last night after Democrats in the Senate voted to force taxpayers to pay for coeds' birth control pills.

"This is fantastic news," said Georgetown University law student Sandra Fluke, past president of Law Students for Reproductive Justice. "And it comes just before spring break. Woo hoo!"

Current LSRJ President Anita Little said she is overjoyed that women who couldn't afford contraception "will be able to take part in the entire college experience without fear of running out of money or of getting pregnant."

"Getting free birth control is what I call reproductive justice, or rather, anti-reproductive justice," she said. "I wonder if I can get free lube, too."

Fluke had testified last month before the House Democratic Policy and Steering Committee, where former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi saluted her courage for asking for free birth control.

"Ms. Fluke showed extraordinary bravery for testifying without a bag over her head," Pelosi said. "In my day I never would have admitted to wanting free birth control because my mother would have called me a slut or a whore."

Conservative radio commentator Rush Limbaugh had no trouble labeling as "sluts and whores" single college women who want taxpayers to fund their "unlimited, no-consequences sex."

"What would you call someone who wants us to pay for her to have sex?" he asked.

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Limbaugh pointed out that Fluke said she chose to attend the Catholic-owned Georgetown Law School because she was interested in contraception even though she knew the school would not provide her with free birth control. He offered to buy all the aspirins she wanted to put between her knees, a birth control measure touted by former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum.

Republicans had introduced a measure that would have allowed churches and employers to choose insurance plans that did not violate their consciences, but Democrats voted to make employers buy insurance with full coverage for birth control.

"What good would Obamacare be if citizens had a say in what their insurance covered?" asked Senate President Harry Reid (D-NV). "The whole point of socialized medicine is to allow the government to decide what is best for our citizens. And one thing almost all Democrats can agree on is that college women should get free birth control. Otherwise, the only way they could afford to take part in recreational sex would be to buy condoms."

Only one Republican voted against the measure — retiring Sen. Olympia Snowe — and only three Democrats voted for it. Two of those are up for reelection and told Skinnyreporter that they were afraid voters would have thrown them out of office if they had voted against the bill.

Fluke, Little and 25 of their fellow coeds said they were surprised at the kind reception they received from Democrat congressmen in Washington.

"A lot of them offered us free meals and even free hotel rooms," coed Gaye Hooker said. "Most of them even gave me their numbers. There's something really attractive about men with power."

Fluke said she couldn't wait to get back to Georgetown, where female students showed their frustration at paying for their own birth control, according to her congressional testimony.

"When I look around campus," she had testified, "I see the faces of the women affected by this lack of contraceptive coverage. They tell me they have suffered financially and emotionally because they want to party but can't afford to have unprotected sex. You should see their faces, which are a mixture of sexual repression, sexual desire, frustration, sadness and confusion."

A visiting Saudi sheik, when apprised of the looks on the faces of female Georgetown law students, offered to bring 150 of them to his palace for study abroad and offered to provide all the birth control they might need. Ali Wahna Izza Laye said he often provides free vacations to young American women.

Meanwhile, Limbaugh defended his position yesterday.

"Ms. Fluke, have you ever heard of not having sex so often?" he asked. "What next that you can't afford are you going to go to Pelosi and say we need to buy? Mink? A Volt? A Prius? What next are you going to want, Ms. Fluke, that you see etched in misery on the faces of fellow students at Georgetown because they don't have it?"

Skinnyreporter traveled to the Georgetown campus to find the answers. Student after student liked Limbaugh's ideas for further requests.

"I already get public assistance for my housing, food and tuition," coed Gia Spott said, "but the government is too stingy to give me a nice car. I wouldn't take a Volt if it were free, but I would love a Prius. I don't want a mink because I'm against using animals for any purpose, but I would love a new wardrobe."

Spott, who is graduating in 2013 with a degree in psychology, said she has not been making enough spending money in the business she started last year, a website that charges patients a fee for information on psychologists who provide therapy.

"I'm getting a lot of visitors to www.therapist.com," she said. "But hardly any of them are willing to pay for my service."

Norwegian exchange student Sven Leitz Arlo said he wants the federal government to pay for the refurbishment of his apartment, where he wants to improve the ambience for visiting coeds.

"I also want airline tickets for home visits," he said.

Coed Ima Hogg said free birth control won't do her much good until plastic surgery is covered under Obamacare insurance.

"Some guys just won't give me a second look," she laughed, accidentally snorting.

Agriculture student Mary A. Farmer said she wants the federal government to pay for her upcoming wedding to a local watermelon grower.

"It would be nice if President Obama pays for our honeymoon, too," she said.

Pre-med student and aspiring kidney specialist Rena L. Kayer said she can't wait to start using free birth control.

"This morning I spent the money I had budgeted for condoms to buy an airline ticket to Fort Lauderdale for spring break," she said. "I hope Obamacare reimburses me because I need that trip for my mental health."

Senior Peg Laye Gimper, slated to graduate in June with a degree in Prosthetic Engineering despite losing a leg while trying to board the Metro, said she welcomes free birth control but needs a more attractive artifical leg.

"Guys see me gimp around," she said, "and I don't get many dates."

Culinary student Baye Keane Sota said she is too busy to meet prospective dates in person because she is always in the student kitchen facility.

"I need the government to send me an Ipad 2 so that I can sign up for a dating website," she said. "I also want concert tickets with my birth control."

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

Articles are copyrighted. You may email or use articles if they are attributed to Skinnyreporter.com. Websites may publish as many as 20 Skinnyreporter articles, but you must have written permission to publish any of them in a printed book or magazine.

Note: The names of sources often have hidden meanings. Click on links for facts relating to the stories. We strive to answer the question, What would politicians say if they didn't think normal citizens were listening? A skilled observer studies body language and becomes expert at what some call "reading between the lines." We attempt to fill in those lines.

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