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Santorum says God can work miracles in his campaign but admits, "If he wanted me to win, he probably would have given me Mitt Romney's money."
Now that New Hampshire lawmakers have killed a bill that would have repealed gay marriage, some residents are planning celebrations. Gay polygamist Boysen Ballou said he and his four husbands are going to throw themselves a bachelor party at a Motel 6 and then spend their honeymoon in a van down by the river.
Dan Rather said he is sick and tired of politicans using cliches, and he's not going to take it anymore.
Mitt Romney says if Obama had been in charge when the Wright brothers were inventing the airplane, regulators would have shut them down for dust pollution. Rush Limbaugh's response: "And of course the government would have banned Thomas Edison's light bulb. Oh, by the way, they just did, didn't they? Right now! Yeah."
Even if, as recently unearthed docments appear to confirm, President Obama was born in Kenya, that does not mean he is not a natural born citizen of the United States, said Deputy Attorney General Norma Lee Small. "The president's mother was a U.S. citizen, so her child would be a natural born citizen no matter where in the world he was born. How come nobody was complaining when Mitt Romney's father ran for president? He never hid the fact that he was born in Mexico."
"If Mitt Romney wins the Republican nomination, let's just pipe down about his LDS faith," said megachurch televangelist Juan D. Bapista. "We need to elect enough Republicans to the Senate that we can retire Mormon Harry Reid from his job as president of the Senate."
Liberals have a long history of respecting women, says Ms. Awe Jenny of the Democrat Feminism Outreach Program.
Obama's latest idea: Green companies must buy their own productsby Smith N. Wescin
March 22, 2012, Washington, DC — President Obama today, under fire for giving billions of taxpayer dollars to green energy companies that have gone bankrupt, said he emerged from his morning meditation today with an idea that should guarantee millions of new jobs.
He said he came up with the idea as he pondered why First Solar has succeeded when other federally subsized clean energy companies have failed. He realized that First Solar is still in business because the company received millions in subsidies to buy its own product.
"When that light went off in my head, I kind of felt like Edison when he invented the light bulb, which we just recently outlawed," Obama said. "It was as clear as day to me. Solyndra and the other companies went broke because they tried to compete in our broken free enterprise system. If they had done as First Solar had done, selling the products they make to themselves, they would have still been in business."
"If Phillips doesn't need that many light bulbs to light their factory, then they can just give them away, and I'll get another $10 million to them," Obama said.
The president said he originally thought federally backed green energy companies could sell their products at a profit to governmental agencies and private companies.
"That's why I approved millions of dollars in bonuses and hundreds of millions of loans to Solyndra and other companies that my campaign contributors run," Obama said. "And now I understand why they burned through billions of dollars in taxpayer money in less than three years. It was our broken free enterprise system, which places a undue burden on taxpayer-financed companies to produce their products at a price comparable to the competition.
"This is why today I just signed an executive order that requires all federally backed companies that produce eco-friendly products to buy from themselves. GMC will buy thousands of volts, solar panel companies will buy their own solar panels, wind generator manufacturers will buy their own windmills, and algae farms and pig manure recyclers will buy their own methane. If they don't have the cash to buy enough product to keep themselves in the black, I will make sure they get federal grants to make those purchases. This will save millions of dollars and thousands of jobs."
Obama said he is ordering all czars, czarinas, department heads and cabinet level officials to implement his new "buy as you build" policy. It will be funded with a $2.3 trillion stimulus package that will provide incentivers to government-owned and government-backed companies to buy their own products. Because he represents the chief stockholder of Government Motors Company, the United States of America, Obama said he already has ordered 30,000 Chevy Volts, the unpopular electric car, for every GMC employee, including supervisors.
"Some of the employees don't want Volts," he said, "because they don't have the cash to pay for $10,000 charging stations at their homes, so I'm immediately authorizing $30 million so that everybody who gets a Volt will have a way to charge it up. GMC will make the charging stations and then sell them to itself before installing them free of charge at employees' residences."
He said another $620 million will be allocated to buy the homes of GMC employees who live so far from the factories where they work that they can't make a round trip in a fully charged Volt.
"Many of these employees bought homes with loans that were funded by the federal Farm Home Loan Corporation, which guaranteed loans on homes that were long distances from cities," he said. "In other words, the federal government was rewarding people for buying houses that were a long ways from where they worked, which resulted in a massive waste of time and gasoline at the same time our country was trying to conserve gas. The money I'm requesting from Congress will allow these employees to abandon their distant residences and move within 12 1/2 miles of work so that they can use their Volts to get to work and back before they run out of juice."
Obama said executives will be required to use Volts in full electric mode for all their travel. He said a side benefit of this policy will be that executives won't be required to travel from Michigan to Washington more than 10 times a year because each round trip will require 20 to 40 days due to the Volt's limited range of 25 to 50 miles between charges.
The National Council for the Preservation of Fossil Fuels has reservations about the plan to put thousands of Volts into action at once, according to Director Bob Katz.
"It takes a lot of coal to run the generators that make the electricity that is needed to charge that many Volts," he said. "We would rather see that coal, which is a precious fossil fuel that produces global-warming emissions when it is burned, stay in the ground. But if we start running around in Volts, then we'll have to start burning so much coal that air quality could disintegrate."
Obama said his "buy as you build" plan can bring Solyndra out of bankruptcy quickly.
"I'm asking Congress for another $1.1 billion so that Solyndra can rehire or replace all of its former employees so that they can get to work immediately building solar panels that company sales men and women can then sell to back to the company while earning commissions, which the company will pay," he said. "This boon in product sales should permanently solve Solyndra's cash flow problem."
The president said wind-powered electric generators have been selling fairly well since 2008 because California and 37 other states are contracting to buy wind-generated electricity even though it is more expensive than power generated by coal-fired generators.
"I salute these states for helping me to lower the sea level and save the polar bears from drowning, which would surely happen if we had continued to burn coal, which releases dangerous greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, which causes global warming, resulting in the melting of the polar ice caps," he said. "My engineers have informed me that wind generators work only when the wind blows, and so I'm requiring wind generating farms to install giant fans to keep the wind blowing. They will be mandated to operate those wind-generating fans on wind-generated electricity that the farms will buy from themselves. I'm so convinced that this will work that I am allocating $300 billion in federal subsidies, which wind farms can use to buy their own power from themselves."
The president's economic team, headed by White House Chief Economist Les Cache, has run the numbers and has given the green light to the "buy as you build" plan.
"This program should run just as smoothly as Amtrac," Cache said. "With yearly infusions of cash, which we anticipate borrowing from China, eco-friendly companies should have a permanent demand for their products and services."
White House Financial Projections Chief Paye T. Morrow said he spent extra time calculating the feasibility of "buy as you build" and feels confident that he will finally break the string of incorrect predictions that have made him famous. He said he has learned from his mistakes and will make sure this program is properly funded.
"I know I approved the president's plan to borrow stimulus money from China to get us out of debt," he said. "And I'm sure that would have worked if we had borrowed around four times as much as we did."
Morrow said his prediction that Obamacare would save the government billions of dollars turned out to be wrong because he merely forgot to carry some zeroes. He said a simple mistake in arithmetic led to the surprise announcement that the federal health insurance mandate will cost taxpayers billions.
"My bad," he said. "And I know I've underestimated unemployment for three years now, but this time I've double-checked my math, and the president's "buy as you build" program will definitely work. All we have to do is give green companies enough money every year to make an adequate inventory of eco-friendly products, and then we will create a demand for those products by giving those companies additional funding so that they can buy their own inventory. That's a brilliant plan, in my book, and one I would expect from the smartest president we've ever had."