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Today's Synapses

Obama said the Romney campaign should be ashamed of itself for using his quotes when he didn't mean to say what he said.

Romney apologizes for saying telling ABC News that Great Britain's problem in hiring adequate security for the Olympics was disconcerting. "British officials were justifiably concerned that I did not keep my concerns," he said. "And now I'm no longer disconcerted."

Obama: 'Economy is booming, so my cabinet can take seven months off'

by Allie Katt

July 29, 2012, WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Obama explained today why he waited until Friday to meet with his cabinet for the first time this year, saying he had given his secretaries and czars a seven-month vacation from cabinet meetings because they had done such a good job in creating an economic boom.

"Things were going so well with millions of jobs saved or created that I really didn't need their input anyway," the president said. "They actually deserved the rest of the year off, but I was starting to forget who exactly was in my cabinet, and so I called a meeting mainly to get reacquainted."

Secretary of Alternative Energy Deese L. Berner said the meeting was an important social event that was necessary to keep cabinet officials on a first-name basis.

"We had cocktails and hors d'oeuvre imported from countries that want the president to win reelection," Berner said. "We had Chinese fortune cookies, Russian caviar, Venezuelan grapes and Cuban seviche. It was yummy."

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said the cabinet meeting will act as an additional stimulus on the economy as businessmen around the country realize that cabinet officials are getting to know each other.

"Even though none of my predictions so far have worked out, I'm confident this time," he said. "I predict that the stock market will go up, gold prices will increase, 3 million jobs will be saved, and unemployment will stay below 9 percent for reasons directly attributable to this important social event."

White House Public Relations Directory Izzie Lyon said the president asked each secretary to invite a handful of associates and friends to the event to spread the word that his economic plan has been extraordinarily successful.

"The president is optimistic that people are feeling so good about what he has done for America that he will easily retain his office," Lyon said. "He wanted to thank everybody and promised that he will work harder to redistribute income as soon as the election is over."

White House Chief Economist "Bear" Lee Reid said the economy is doing so well that cabinet officials and their friends couldn't avoid talking about raising taxes on the wealthy.

IRS Director M.T. Head said the automatic tax increases scheduled to begin in January could go a long ways toward creating parity between the rich and the poor.

"Low and middle income earners will see their taxes increase by 50 percent," he said. "But the poor — those who earn less than $10,000 a year — will not have a tax increase, and so anything we take from the rich will help shorten the poverty gap."

Obama's wealth redistribution czar, Pey Tellet Hertz, said the booming economy gives the president a chance to raise taxes and fees on those who tend to invest in "capitalistic ventures that compete with publicly funded projects."

"In a downturn the last thing you want to do is raise taxes and fees on those who create jobs in the private sector," he said. "But now that the economy is on sure footing, everybody in the meeting was excited about finally taking more from the rich. You have to remember, the privileged tend to hire people only if it makes them money, but the government can hire people with money it borrows from China and we don't have to pay it back until our grandkids get jobs."

Energy Secretary Steven Chu said he was excited to report that he has been able to meet President Obama's goal of increasing energy prices to spur demand for solar cells and wind generators.

"Gasoline was only about $1.80 a gallon when the president took office and said he hoped to raise it to European levels," he said. "We got it up to over $5 a gallon at one time, but due to shameful investors, the price has dropped lately, and we're down to about $3.25 in some places. I assured him that we will continue to keep drilling and oil exploration at a minimum on public lands here in the U.S. to help him meet his goal of $9 a gallon."

Assistant Attorney General Anita Bath, filling in for her boss Eric Holder, who was meeting elsewhere in Washington with Democrat officials who were concerned that Republican voter ID laws were depressing the vote of deceased and undocumented voters, said she had nothing but good to report.

"The president was pleased to know that we were able to redact or keep completely out of the hands of Congress any documentation that could link the president to Fast and Furious," she said. "He also was happy about Mr. Holder's effort to defend the mandate for Americans to buy the type of health insurance approved by the president."

Immigration and Customs Enforcement Director I.C. Moore Cumming said he was happy to report that the president's recent announcement that certain immigrants would be welcome has had a remarkably positive effect.

"It used to be that immigrants had to buy fake drivers licenses and social security cards to get jobs here," he said. "Now all they need are some Walmart receipts to show that they bought something here before the age of 18. We also accept photocopies. It's heartwarming to see millions of new immigrants get their papers in order in time to vote for the president in November, and I see more coming."

Obama thanked those who attended the cabinet meeting and emphasized that each official should spend extra time in the next three months working for his reelection in order to keep their jobs.

"I don't think we'll need any more meetings that could interfere with this most important task," he said. "If I need to teach something to somebody, I can do it on an individual basis."

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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