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What's your plan, Mr. President?

How Obama fought to keep a Chicago neighborhood blighted

Today's Synapses

Upon learning that former U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano signed a "stand your ground" bill when she was Arizona governor, Phoenix digitial photographer S. Dee Chip said, "I didn't realize she had done anything that smart."

If Mitt wins the presidency, will Ann Romney say, "For the first time in my life, I'm proud of my country"?

Bill Cosby asks, "What is solved by calling Trayvon Martin's killer a racist?" Florida gun owner Buck Schott answers: "Al Sharpton's and Jesse Jackson's financial problems."

Obama revises 2013 budget. "I thought of some more people who want money," he said.

Tweep Larry White has a question for Democrats who said Ann Romney, never having "worked a day in her life" and "never holding a real job," couldn't possibly know how the economy affects women. "Did you ever stop to think a stay-at-home mom with access to media all day might be better informed than a woman obsessed with her job?"

Limerick of the Day

Their wuntz wuz a college age nerse
Hoo thawt Inglish wurdz whirra kerse
Sed shee with a cye
All never git bye
Eather spellun or reedun is wurce

Craig and Rich LaRocco

Obama puzzled: 'Money lessons I learned in Chicago aren't working now'

by Beth Mintz

April 15, 2012, Cartagena, COLOMBIA — President Obama told 32 leaders from Latin America, the Carribean and Canada today that he hopes to improve their economies by sending more U.S. tourists abroad.

"Very few U.S. citizens can afford to travel because of the economy that Bush left me," he said at the Sixth Summit of the Americas. "I've been working hard every day for three years with a laser focus on the economy by applying the lessons that I learned as a community organizer. The money lessons I learned in Chicago aren't working now, but I think that's because of the Republicans, who are going down in November."

Obama said his job as a community organizer called for him to find a problem and then persuade citizens to protest until they got money from large corporations or governmental entities. He cited as his greatest accomplishment getting asbestos removed from a housing project.

"We got other people to pay for what we wanted," he said. "I'm proud to say that I've allocated more money to fix the economy than Bush did in eight years, and I'll double down if that's what it takes."

Obama said the neighborhood where he worked on the southern end of Chicago was blighted by the departure of steel factories and other manufacturers.

"This problem could have been solved through raising taxes on businesses and rich people," he said. "Which is why I'm proposing now that big businesses and millionaires pay higher taxes. I'm convinced we're on the right track."

Obama said one of his guiding principles, which he learned while organizing protests in Chicago, is that an economy must be built from the bottom up.

"Reagan had it all wrong," he said. "There's no such thing as a trickle-down economy. When people at the top get money, it never reaches the people at the bottom. Rich people spend their money on things they want, like new cars and fancy iron railings for their mansions and motorhomes, and they take trips on giant steel cruise ships or shiny jet airliners. None of that money ever gets to the poor factory workers in steel and aluminum plants or engine factories or boat yards.

"And that is why I'm 150 percent committed to building the economy from the bottom up. If we can raise taxes on the rich and give that money to the former factory workers, then they will spend that money, and it will trickle back up to the top, and everybody will be happy."

Obama said he is convinced that Democrats in November will win back the House of Representatives and hold the Senate so that he will be able to fully implement economic policies.

"I would like to see every one of those former factory workers get another $50 a month from the government," he said.  "Then they can get haircuts and buy bicycles and adult beverages and start building this economy from the bottom up."

Citing as an example of how the new economy would work, Obama said he recently visited the German barber whose shop he used to frequent during the three years he worked as a community organizer.

"Herr Kutz wants to buy a new bike," he said, "and he'll be able to buy one with the bottom up economy because more people will pay for haircuts more often. That will help the economy because somebody has to build that bike. It might be made in China, where they don't have OSHA or the EPA or a labor board, but at least somebody will make money off that bike. So that's how the bottom-up economy works."

Obama said the barber wants to give his old bike to a grandson, whose mother also will be getting an extra $100 a month from the government so that she will be able to buy her son new bicycle tires, which in turn will provide employment for people who work on rubber tree farms in Malaysia, where tires are made for Japanese companies that export them to America, where most of the U.S. tire factories have shut down.

"If the Japanese have more money," the president explained, "then more of them will come to America and stay in hotel rooms and eat in restaurants, which will pay more in taxes to the government, which then can send money back to the people who need haircuts from Herr Kutz.

"This is how we can keep that money going round and round until April 15, when it will be sent to the IRS, and then we'll have to replace it by raising our debt limit so that we can borrow more money from China so that the U.S. Mint can print up some current currency. It will work out beautifully."

Obama said he has been meeting privately with a U.S. Supreme Court justice who is extraordinarily well versed in applying community financial principles to the national economy, Ms. Elena Kagan.

"She told me it's not unconstitutional for the government to give out a boatload of money because there is no coersion involved," he said. "Her Honorable Junior Queen Justice of the Highest Court of the Land, as I like to call her, told me that income taxes in the United States are considered voluntary, and so there is no coercion involved.

"And if there is no coersion involved, then I'm going to raise taxes on the rich, which I consider to be anybody who has a job, and then we'll send more money to the former factory workers and the people that can't find a job that pays better than Walmart or Burger King so that they can go get haircuts from barbers like Herr Kutz."

Obama then excused himself and left the room. A Secret Service agent was heard telling a colleague that the president was hurrying to make a tee time on the finest golf course in Cartagena with another part-black American by the name of Eldrick. After playing 18 holes, the two were planning to visit some of Eldrick's friends at a local hotel, which had been checked out in intimate detail by the Secret Service in the days before the summit.

Assistant White House Secretary Les Gray Madder said he would take one question before he himself departed to visit the mysterious Eldrick's friends. The first question was asked by former presidential candidate Herman Cain's daughter, Ko, recently hired by ABC News.

"Isn't it true that a lot of Americans are afraid to go to some countries because of the violence of the drug wars?" Ko Cain asked. "Some of my friends won't go on spring break to Mexico anymore, and it's not a whole lot safer in Guatemala or Colombia, either."

Madder said the president's men were trying to solve the problem by working with members of both houses of Congress on a bill that would legalize narcotics.

"Marijuana and other drugs are like alcohol in the Prohibition," he said. "When they're illegal, the only people who manufacturer and sell them are criminals. Just as occured when we ended Prohibition, the drug lords and the mafia and the underground will disappear if we legalize drugs. This could help the tourist trade in the Carribean and Latin America immensely. It also would make drugs far less expensive in the U.S., which means more American citizens could spend their money on products and services, such as Herr Kutz's haircuts and trips to South America."

Madder said the president also has replaced the majority of his economic advisers because their predictions about the economy have been wrong far more often that they have been right.

"Don't worry," Madder said, "he didn't fire them because, unlike Mitt Romney, he doesn't like firing people. He just reassigned them to his reelection campaign, which has needed some new blood if recent polls are to believed."

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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