Today's Synapses

Under conservative governor John Kasich, Ohio's rainy day fund has risen from 89 cents to more than $240 million dollars. If Mitt Romney wins the presidency, do you think he can increase the U.S. rainy day fund from minus $15 trillion to 89 cents?

Voter ID laws are a bad idea because some illegal immigrants can't afford fake drivers licenses.

Here's a multiple choice question on yesterday's test in American Politics 401 at Harvard University. "The Washington Post spent $47,000 to investigation into Mitt Romney's high school and college years and dedicated 11 pages to covering his pranks 47 years ago. How many pages will the Post devote to covering Barack Obama's high school and college misdeeds? A.) Less than 11 pages, B.) Less than one page, C.) Less than one paragraph, D.) Less than one sentence, or E.) Less than one word." The answer is E.

Limerick of the Day

Earthquakes

On the earth tremor this is my take
That my feelings of calm I could fake
I'd stand outside talking
Until things started rocking
Then I'd freeze in my shoes and just quake

Movie stars at Clooney event cheer Obama for vowing to raise their taxes

by Ryder Stringer
for Skinnyreporter.com

May 11, 2012, Hollywood, CA — President Obama gave movie stars who attended his fund raiser at George Clooney's home Thursday evening 15 reasons for celebrities to choose him over Mitt Romney.

Skinnyreporter's representative at the party was Ed Asner, who played journalist Lou Grant on television for 13 years starting in 1970. We had to pay $40,000 for Asner to get into the party with his pen and notebook, so enjoy the list, realizing that we paid more than $2,500 for each item on it. Fortunately, Ed took shorthand when he was in the U.S. Army Signal Corps and was able to record the list in the president's own words.

  1. I will double taxes on movie stars and other millionaires and give it to the middle class so that they can afford to go to more movies, which will make you more money so that you can pay more taxes.
  2. Unlike Mitt Romney, I like dogs. A lot.
  3. I was not an evil prankster like Mitt Romney 47 years ago, when I was still trying to get into preschool so that I could learn Indonesian to understand my new daddy.
  4. Currently 10 percent of taxpayers pay 70 percent of income tax revenues. That is not fair. They ought to pay 90 percent at least.
  5. Unlike Romney, I consider waterboarding as illegal torture that we should never allow, especially if a captured combatant might have information about a pending attack by a terrorist with a nuclear suitcase bomb.
  6. When I told people I was against gay marriage, everybody knew I was just saying that to get elected. But Mitt Romney really means it. For some strange reason, he still thinks it's wrong for daddy to have a husband, and I hear he doesn't like Oscar-winning gay movies like "Brokeback Mountain" and "Kiss of the Spider Woman."
  7. Mitt Romney would cut your taxes, which would deprive you of an opportunity to invest in other people's futures.
  8. Mitt Romney didn't like my plan to give $50 billion to General Motors so that it could go through bankruptcy to save 200,000 jobs. He wanted to make GMC go through bankruptcy on its own to save 300,000 jobs.
  9. I support equal opportunity foreign aid. If we give money to Israel, then we also should give money to Hamas. We should not pick sides.
  10. I support the Entertainment Industry Fairness Act, which is fair on most people who work in the music or acting business because it shares the wealth.
  11. I will lower the sea level and save the world from global warming and polar bears from drowning by making all federal contractors drive Chevy Volts and give money to American companies until they figure out how to make solar panels as inexpensive as those made in China.
  12. I killed Osama bin Laden before he had a chance to pick up a gun. Romney probably would have tried to capture him and bring him to trial at Guantanamo Bay. That would have wasted a lot of money that I would rather give to a green energy company.
  13. I have a Nobel Peace Prize, and I was nominated for it after only 11 days in office. Fidel Castro has a better chance of winning than Mitt Romney.
  14. Romney has said that he would be limited by the Constitution, which is a flawed document that is so old that it was penned in hand on animal skin. As the most intelligent president in history, I know how to get things done without worrying about old and outdated ideas.
  15. I will work hard to pass Obamafare, which will regulate the diets of all Americans, not just children in public schools. Those Oreos are killing us.

Asner reported that the audience gave Obama a standing ovation and that the most enthusiastic supporters were Barbra Streisand, James Brolin, Tobey Maguire, Robert Downey Jr. and chef Wolfgang Puck. As the applause died, Clooney stood to announce that the fund raiser had netted $15 million, even after he had paid for security to keep animal rights activists from protesting the menu, which included several dead animals, including baby ducks, baby cows and baby sheep.

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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