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Holder Panel Urges Nullifying Old Document

by Billy H. Taft

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A primitive document written on animal skin is unnecessarily impeding implementation of President Barack Obama's ambitious goal of fundamentally changing America.

That's the conclusion drawn by U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder, who commissioned seven international legal scholars to analyze governmental procedures.

Cole D. Byrds of the International Climate Change Research Station on Antarctica, P. Essa Mystic of Libya, aborigine Yuo Ussatun of Australia, Socialist Party President Les Cherall of France, Kamyu Nysstek of Venezuela, Chairman Gibbous Moore of Canada and Go Ho Mnau of China spent four months in the United States. Each represented the continent from which they hailed. Their objective was to identify obstacles that prevented the Obama Administration from fulfilling its motto, "Change You Can Believe In."

"We discovered that the chief problem is a set of four old yellow parchments made from the skin of animals," Chairman Moore said.

"Our investigation found that the skins contain faded symbols that were inscribed by a 27-year-old poorly educated clerk who employed crude writing instruments fashioned from animal parts. The symbols indicated unworkable and anachronistic ideas assembled in secret by a lawless gang of racists, wealthy businessmen, anarchists and incorrigible rebels.

"Every difficulty faced by President Obama seemed to point to this outdated, ancient document, which was written in such a hurry that it contained misspellings and incorrect usages.

"We, therefore, recommend that the president immediately nullify this outdated document through executive order and adopt a modern replacement that is acceptable to the world community and can be more easily adapted to changing mores, scientific knowledge, updated theories and enlightened political reality."

In the unlikely event that the president elects to revise the 222-year-old document, rather than replace it, the committee identified five troubling concepts that should be eliminated or rewritten.

Following are the committee's recommendations:

  • Treaties may be ratified and amendments to the charter may be adopted with a majority vote rather than a two-thirds vote.
  • The government may prohibit religious expression and dissenting political comment on state property, on public air waves and in published material disseminated by its hard copy delivery service.
  • Amendment 2 should be reworded to read, "A well-regulated military, being necessary to the security of the world, the right of the federal government to employ weapons, shall not be infringed."
  • Amendment 10 shall be rewritten to permit the president to deprive "life, liberty, or property" and to allow union members and members of Congress to be exempt from taxes and penalties, including Social Security and health insurance requirements.
  • Amendments 20, 22 and 27, which contain term limits and prevent members of Congress from raising their salaries, are hereby repealed.

Obama thanked the panel and said he most likely would nullify the current document and replace it with a New World Charter that would contain the recommended modifications.

"The panel's conclusion confirms what I have always suspected," he said, "The antiquated charter that governed the rules and method of my historic election reflects the racist attitudes and obsolete ideas of its Confounders and Farmers and is now too old-fashioned to serve our purposes any longer.

"Our ultimate goal is to create a new world order. Our new governing document, therefore, should reflect our values pertaining to a transition toward global order, redistribution of wealth, and equitable employment of political power by well-educated officers rather than the rednecks and country bumpkins who have previously occupied my office.

"We have learned that the document modification process is outdated and unworkable, which is why activists have been forced to employ the court system to compel all the meaningful changes we have seen for more than 40 years.

"Therefore, a New World Charter or at the very least a radically reformed governing document is something that every patriotic citizen with a half a brain understands is an absolute necessity. We know from the results of the Congressional vote to mandate private health insurance that no one on the right could be considered to be in this category.

"People who are in full control of their capacities fully comprehend that this old document contains deep flaws and a blind spot that continues to this day.

"I was elected because I promised the American people that I would fundamentally change America, and nothing is more fundamental than the outdated, unworkable charter that is at the root of all evil in our society today. Nothing is higher on my agenda than saying 'good riddance' to this racist vestige of frontier colonialism."

Quote of the Day

"The Supreme Court never ventured into the issues of redistribution of wealth." — Barack Obama.

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