Today's Synapses

People with a lack of pink slime in their crania believe that pink slime in hamburger raises the fat content.

Limerick of the Day

A Cannibal's Confession

The guilt moved his soul just a smidgen
His life was in need of revision
So he met with a priest
And commenced holy feast
Thus getting a taste for religion
This new gospel taste he could trust
That no more after flesh would he lust
His stomach thus greased
He heaved up the priest
And threw up his hands in disgust
Jared LaRocco

Obama demands that debt limit be replaced with limitless debt

by Carrs Tario

April 22, 2012, Washington, DC — Saying economic growth is limited by debt limit, President Obama demanded Friday that Congress entirely eliminate limitations on the limit.

"I have unlimited ideas of how I would spend unlimited dollars with a limitless budget," the president told TV journalists attending a conference of Liberal Information Moralists in Television (LIMIT). "The possibilities are unlimited."

Obama said the first thing he would do if the debt limit were eliminated would be to double deficit spending.

"We have already shown than going $15 trillion in debt is not enough," he said. "I just want to do the logical thing and double that to see what happens. If that doesn't work, we need to double it to $60 trillion, and so on and so one."

The president said his logic might elude Republicans and conservative talk show hosts but is easily comprehended by most voters.

"Conservative policies are what got us in this mess," Obama said. "Mitt Romney and his party have the old-fashioned idea that our country should spend no more than it receives in taxes and revenues. Look, that doesn't work in the American family, and it won't work in the country. .

"Mitt doesn't seem to realize that most American families get by on credit cards, and if we run them past the limit, we get more credit cards, and repeat that process until we pass on, and then our children can pay our debts out of what is left of their inheritances if anything is left over after the federal, state and local governments get their fair share."

Obama said he is merely attempting to abide by the only financial advice that he ever received from his socialist father, who once phoned when the future president was growing up in Indonesia.

"He said a penny saved is a penny wasted," the president said. "He advised me, 'Always spend more than you earn because being in debt will make you work harder to get others to pay your bills.' That's a lesson I've tried hard to implement in my life as well as in my governmental duties."

White House Chief Economist Les Cache said the president has an unwavering faith in the economic theories of the late John Maynard Keyes, who said the best way to create jobs is to borrow money to grow the government, which has the immediate effect of creating good-paying governmental jobs.

Cache said previous experiments in implementing Keynesian Economic Theory have been insufficient because the governments involved had limited budgets.

"Countries run out of money pretty fast if you double the deficit every three years," he said. "So nobody really knows how long it takes for Keynesian economics to work. We're pretty sure it takes more than 16 years, which is the amount of time we tried FDR's Big Deal before the end of World War II came and stopped the depression before we gave Keyes' theories a fair shot."

The president's personal economic adviser, Baugh Rowe Moore, said Obama is implementing one of his own brilliant financial plans, which is to carefully go over the budget every month.

"He tries hard to go over it a little more every month," he said. "Think of what he could do if he could go over it as much as he wanted."

Deputy Budget Analyst Xavier Mullah said he has been working the past three years to persuade all federal supervisors to submit excessive budget requests yearly.

"You can't ask for what you really need," he said, "or the government won't increase your budget every year."

Obama's Harvard professor of applied economics, Dr. M.T. Wahlit, said his most famous student is applying one of his economic theories.

"The good thing about having no jobs in the U.S. is that there's no reason to build a fence on the Mexican border," he said. "Unless you want to stop people from heading south."

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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