Today's Synapses

Former winter Olympics silver medalist Bob Suledd says he is endorsing Rick Santorum because he was willing to say he would prefer Obama over Romney: "When a man is willing to sacrifice his political positions for his personal animosity toward a fellow Republican, that's the guy I want."

George Soros says there is no difference between the man he supports, President Obama, and the likely Republican nominee, Mitt Romney. Democrat adviser Arson Nick, a former chemist, said Soros is credible and has no ulterior motives.

Historian Sannet Aryum, labeled a nut by many critics, says the future of America is at stake as the Supreme Court is in position to declare Obamacare unconstitutional.

Obama criticizes Congress for rejecting his budget 414 to 0. "Congress is full of cowards," he said. "None of them is willing to vote for this bill solely for political reasons. If their constituents are against it, they vote against it. Yellow bellies!"

New federal rules prohibit objectionable terms in public schools

by P.C. English

March 29, 2012, Houston, TX — Secretary of Education Reid Berry Little announced today that his department has completed a rulebook of unacceptable terms for public schools. Teachers and administrators who persist in using the listed terms will be terminated, but he said the regulations won't be mandatory for students until after November elections.

"Under President Obama's kind and watchful care, we have compiled an extensive list that is reflective of the wonderful diversity that exists in our public school system in America," he said. "We have taken pains to identify words and terms that are offensive to various religions, races, creeds, genders, sexual orientations and ages. We are, therefore, proud to announce that objectionable language will not be heard, written, uttered or even read on public school campuses, making a safe environment for all students and faculty."

At the top of the list are words so objectionable that they cannot be uttered by anybody in society other than rap artists, neo-Nazis and comics such as Bill Maher who rely on sexual, anti-religious and racist terms in order to make people laugh, albeit nervously. Such words are not written in the new, unabridged "Department of Public Education Yearly Rulebook for Unified Language Enhancement System" (DOPEYRULES) but are listed by their first letters only.

"Everybody knows what the n word means," Little said, "and so we didn't want to be offensive by listing it in DOPEYRULES. Ditto for the c word, the s word, the t word, the f word, the g word, the o word, the q word, the r word, the b word, the y word, the d word, the z word and 12 other words."

He said federal regulators consulted educators in states that already have adopted restrictions on words. The entire New York State word rulebook was incorporated. Thus, words such as dinosaur, which makes students who are uncomfortable about evolution, and apple, which symbolizes a fruit that Satan successfully tempted Eve to devour, are prohibited.

Pork, which cannot be eaten by devout Jews or Muslims, is in the 1,046-page chapter of unacceptable words. Tobacco, prohibited by Mormons, was added after regulators realized a Latter-day Saint might be nominated by Republicans to run against Obama in November. Also banned are red, a color detested by aborigines of the northern half of the western hemisphere; white, used by people of color to denigrate persons who lack an abundance of epidural melanin; black, a color that was once a politically correct adjective and noun to denote natives of Africa; yellow, a word once used to describe cowardice but also a pejorative adjective employed to disparage Asians; pink, a color hijacked by homosexuals and female cancer survivors; and green, a word that has fallen out of favor with global warming denialists.

"There are still plenty of colors that people can say on a public campus," DOPEYRULES Chief Editor Styx N. Stones said. "Peach and watermelon are still allowed despite objections of the Natural World Society, which objects to plant domestication, because we determined that at one time there were wild peaches and watermelons. Brown is OK except when used in conjunction with shirt, a term that conjures up nightmares for Jews, and purple will be permitted for at least another two years."

Stones said his committee worked for about three years to compile the first half of the rulebook but only six months to finish it after editors realized it was more efficient to start with the Webster's unabridgedin dictionary and merely black out words that are acceptable. The resulting work is only 36 pages shorter than the dictionary as almost every word in it was found to be objectionable to at least one group or subgroup of persons.

Every holiday but New Year's Day has been prohibited. Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah and Easter were banned because of their religious overtones, while Martin Luther King Day and Columbus Day were banned for racial reasons.

Education Deputy Secretary Marva Luss said the increasing diversity in family makeup prompted her department to ban many books that once were forced upon public students.

"'See Dick and Jane Run With Spot' has been relegated to the trash heap of history because it depicts a non-biracial girl in a dress, an article of clothing symbolic of female subjugation, a domesticated canine that has been enslaved by humans, children with a male father and a female first partner," he said. "These are all objectionable in today's society."

Luss said the Bible has been banned for years, but recently added to the list of condemned books is "The Diary of Anne Frank" because it casts a bad light on national socialists. Also prohibited are Winnie the Pooh, Charlotte's Web, Animal Farm and 1984 because they are considered political statements.

Any term dealing with economics, finance or money are prohibited because they tend to divide people into castes, she said. Maps also must be printed without country boundaries because almost all of them were set after wars or other conflicts that divided people, she said.

President Obama praised the new regulations, saying they will tend to homogenize citizens, prevent divisions and foster cooperation and kindness. He vowed to continue political efforts to allow every man, woman, transexual and child to have his, her, his/her or their needs met by the government.

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