Pakistanis say Obama drone killed civilians and birds
by P. Rose Ryder
ISLAMABAD, Pakistan, May 10, 2011 — The Pakistan government today disputed claims by the White House that a drone authorized by President Obama had killed 12 terrorists in the country's tribal region.
Pakistani Information Officer Nassan Bah T'Laiz said no terrorists were killed but that 50 innocent civilians and 23 domestic birds died in the attack.
"A missile from the drone destroyed a farm and an art school where dozens of students were learning how to dance and play musical instruments," he said.
T'Laiz said the final death toll stood at 12 dhol drummers, 11 kani woodwind students, 10 male gymnasts, nine female dancers, eight female dairy workers along with seven swans, six geese, four mockingbirds, three hens, two doves and a partridge."
White House Assistant Public Relations Director Pree Vera Kador expressed regret over the incident.
"Unfortunately, the president was unavailable when the Joint Chiefs of Staff realized that other targets presented the opportunity to take out several thousand terrorists with one shot," she said.
According to Obama's personal fitness trainer, Jim Sauchs, the president had forgotten his cell phone during an exercise period at Andrews Air Force Base.
"You have to keep in mind that the president must juggle his time to a accomplish his goals," said Assistant White House Press Secretary Anne Ounser. "Some of his goals are of national importance, while others are equally important on a personal level, such as his goal to shoot a 34 on the back nine at Andrews."
The president's golf coach, May K. Parr, said her most famous student long ago accomplished his goal of playing more golf than President Bush did during two terms of office.
"Now he wants to become No. 1," she said. "But that will take some doing because President Clinton, who holds the record for the number of golf rounds played by a president in office, not only had eight years to set the record but also golfed all the time."
President Bush said he enjoyed golf until he realized that he did not want to be seen on a golf course by a parent of a soldier who had died in the line of duty. That comment brought a barrage of criticism from Democrats and liberal media members, including Keith Olbermann of MSNBC, who famously advised Bush:
"When somebody asks you, sir, about your gallant, noble, self-abnegating sacrifice of your golf game so as to soothe the families of the war dead; this advice, Mr. Bush: Shut the hell up!"
Curiously, none of Bush's critics have publicly criticized Obama for playing golf during military operations in Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya and now Pakistan.
"Let's just be honest about it," said 470-pound Democratic campaign adviser James "Hippo" Krit. "We want Obama to win another term, and we didn't want Bush or any of his friends in the White House.
"Why else do you think we would vote for somebody who opposed the war in Afghanistan and then ramped it up when he got in office? Or opposed the use of military force without U.N. approval and then invades two countries. It's just politics, man."