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Are Republicans Terrorists?

U.S. Experts to Terrorists: 'How to Blow Us Up'

by Lee King

GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba, Dec. 22, 2010 — A Canadian citizen who was fighting for al-Quaeda in Afghanistan until he was captured by U.S. troops last month has been "spilling the kidney beans," CIA officials said today.

Abbah D'Abbadu, 18, a native of Toronto and a former child actor, agreed in a plea deal to give up the secrets of the international terrorist organization, said Chief CIA Interrogator Scott Free. D'Abbadu has provided invaluable intelligence in return for a negotiated plea that allowed him to avoid the death penalty by agreeing to a 12-month probation.

A former actor who made a name for himself as John Goodman's toddler son in the 1994 film, The Flintstones, D'Abbadu revealed that al-Quaeda operatives learn how to improve their terroristic techniques by watching American television broadcasts and listening to U.S. radio podcasts on their smart phones.

"My friends in al-Quaeda laugh at how easily they can learn from the media," D'Abbadu told Skinnyreporter in a jailhouse interview. "Almost every day a network will put a so-called terrorist expert or governmental official on the air, and he'll tell us exactly what we did wrong and how to do it right the next time.

"We joke about it all the time. Some of us have started calling the CBS Evening News, 'How to Blow Us Up,' because we have learned so much from that show. But almost every show is the same."

Formerly known as Neil Down before he converted to Islam and began praying on his patellas five times a day, D'Abbadu said Obama administration terror experts have revealed much vital information to jihadists, including the ease with which certain bomb materials can be smuggled onto aircraft.

"They run trials to see what they can get through airport security, and then they tell us all the percentage of stuff they got through, which items are the hardest to detect, and even what they look for.

"Then, after each failed bombing attempt, they tell us how lucky they were to find something and how ineffective their procedures and equipment are.

"And don't think the private terrorist experts are any better at keeping their mouths shut. Just Sunday I was listing to Ilana Freedman on the Bill Cunningham show, and she told us the best way to get bombs into the U.S. She went into great detail about a huge hole in American security, which I don't want to talk about too much because I have decided not to be a terrorist or help terrorists anymore. I now believe that God does not want me to kill his children, and I no longer believe that 72 virgins would be waiting for me in Paradise if I die as a martyr for Islam."

He said reporters seem oblivious to the fact that everything they put on the air or the Internet is available to terrorists.

"These guys give us great ideas," he said, "and they help us spread the word to our sleeper cells on how to carry out attacks. Don't they know this is a high-tech war?"

D'Abbadu said al-Quaeda terrorists used to disguise themselves to avoid detection, but he said they have learned in the past few years to wear garb typical of the Middle East.

"The government now has so many rules against racial profiling that we have found it easier just to go as ourselves. Those of us who were raised in English-speaking companies even use false Arabian accents in order to minimize our chances of going through a thorough search.

"We get a big laugh out of watching elderly ladies with hip replacements being pulled out of line for questioning. They go through that metal detector, and 'Bing!'— the alarm goes off. They pat them down, wave the magic wand over them, and send them through again. We watched one old lady go through seven times until she finally asked a TSA officer, 'What do you think I have in my hip— a nuclear bomb?' They carried her out in handcuffs. Funny stuff, really."

D'Abbadu said some terrrorists don't really want to kill a great many Americans— they just want "to scare 'em good."

"We've actually accomplished a great deal already," he said. "Americans have to think about us every time they have to throw away a Diet Coke or a tube of Colgate at the TSA counter. I get a real kick out of watching people sweat when they see anybody who looks like an Arab on a plane, train or bus. Don't kid yourself— Juan Williams isn't the only person who thinks everybody who looks like a terrorist might be a terrorist."

Nothing fishy in Las Vegas vote, culinary union officials say

Las Vegas labor unions have denied intimidating their members to vote for Senate President Harry Reid, who was behind in the polls until his miraculous come-from-behind victory on election day last month. Republican observers who had been observing polling sites had said the unions were providing free meals and transportation to the members who had agreed to vote for Reid.

"Not a chance," said Moe L. Dee, acting president of the Culinary Union. "Our workers already know how to vote. They have been suffering because not as many people can afford to come to Las Vegas anymore. They know Democrats will raise taxes on the wealthy, and that means more money will be available to our hotel and restaurant workers.

"It's really simple. There's only so much money out there, and if the government takes it from the wealthy, then there will be more available for the working class."

The head of the Hotel Workers and Housekeeping Union, Lynn O. Liam, said many union members have lost jobs because tourist numbers have declined in the recession.

"Plus our tips are way, way down," Liam said. "But we don't have to intimidate our members to vote. They're pretty smart. They know that deficit spending and bad loans got us into this mess, and the only way out is President Obama's plan to quadruple the deficit and borrow from China. And if that doesn't work, maybe the Treasury Secretary can take over Las Vegas, and we all can become government workers and get a pay raise."

Karr Pitt of the Floor Maintenance Specialists Union said his group wanted to avoid the sweeping changes that were promised by Reid's Republican opponent, Tea Party favorite Sharon Angle.

"Letting the rich keep their money is just too risky," Pitt said. "If they have extra money for traveling, they are just as likely to go someplace else as Las Vegas, and we need to make sure the money makes it here to Nevada. The best way to do that is have the goverment take the excess funds and have Harry Reid direct it back to Nevada."

Fable of the Day

“A wealthy tourist stops at a motel and lays a hundred dollar bill on the desk and asks to inspect a room before reserving a bed for the night. When the tourist walks upstairs, the owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the feed store. The store owner owes the motel owner $100, so he runs the money back to the motel. The rich traveler returns from inspecting the room and says he will lodge elsewhere, takes his $100 and leaves. Everybody in town is now out of debt and looks to the future with more optimism. ” Anonymous.

Link of the Day: Although CSI shows are not exactly accurate ..., criminals can benefit by watching CSI shows to learn how to cover their tracks more effectively.

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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