Demo Pollsters Predict 12th Hour Turnaround
by BrandiAnn S. Koch
WASHINGTON, D.C., Nov. 2, 2010 — Democrats will stage an incredible comeback in today's elections, chief Democrat poll advisor M.T. Schell said this morning.
"Republicans should not get too cocky," Schell said. "All the polls to this point have been wildly inaccurate because they are not taking into account several major factors. In past elections we have surveyed voters bused to polling places by Democrat 'Turn Out the Vote' efforts, and virtually none has been contacted by a pollster. Almost all of the voters we bus in are minorities, and few of them have land-line telephones and, therefore, never are considered in polls.
"Another thing to consider is that most recounts result in additional votes for the Democrat candidate. That is especially true in metropolitan areas.
"Democrat advertising also is much more effective in the last days and hours of an election. We're not afraid to say a Republican has a mistress or has cheated on his taxes. Negative ads are particularly effective during the last couple of days of campaigning because there's no time to respond.
"The Democrat Party doesn't spend millions in researching into Republican candidates' pasts for curiosity only.
"And don't forget the news media. More than 90 percent of journalists who work at ABC, CBS, MSNBC, CNN and NBC are Democrats, and our friends in the media can be counted on to help us out. At the last minute they can usually associate Republican candidates with racists or child molesters."
Chinese-American pollster Neva Wong said in many urban areas actual votes sometimes exceed the number of registered votes.
"We consider that a miracle," she said, "something similar to feeding 5,000 with a few fish and loaves of bread. God obviously wants more votes from some districts, and he obviously favors Democrats because miracles such as this seldom occur out in the country."
Pollster Betta Leight, who specializes in rural states, disputed Wong's theory.
"Democrats have worked hard to put in place a voting system that favors the stronger candidate," she said. "A lot of times it is the dead that are doing the voting, and I don't think they've been resurrected to help fulfill divine destiny. No, these extra votes are the result of hard work by workers who painstakingly go through records to find names for whom they can vote by proxy."
Schell said he would rather believe Betta Leight than Neva Wong but is satisfied that God allows his candidates to win by whatever mysterious means he wishes to employ.
Schell said Democrat pollsters are superior to Republican pollsters, which is why they discovered early in this year's campaign cycle that the best way for their candidates to win would be to have them position themselves as conservatives and non-incumbents rather than liberal Democrats who are running for re-election.
"Candidates who trust us campaign against Congress, and if they are incumbents, we advise them not to advertise that," he said.
Democrat Party election expert Dusty Sandman said his party does a better job than the Republican Party of registering new voters.
"Working with community groups, we have been able to find more voters than the U.S. Census Bureau could locate," he said. "There is only one logical explanation for that— We are better organized than the federal government, which is a good argument for giving control of the government to the Democrat Party."
Al S. Fehr and Love N. Warr, who chair the Democrat Party Absentee Voting Committee, said they have been working patriotically to prevent federal military employees who are living overseas from illegally voting.
"We have irrefutable evidence that members of the armed forces vote overwhelmingly in favor of warmongering Republicans," Fehr said. "It used to be illegal to vote if you were a governmental employee, and though that law was changed to permit hard-working union members to vote, we maintain that the change does not apply to federal employees who do not live in the United States even though they might be citizens.
"Once a vote is cast it's hard to challenge it, so we have asked party members who are in control of sending out ballots to delay mailing them overseas so that they cannot be returned before voting deadlines. We're confident this will be a successful tactic in the 2010 election."
Democratic National Committee Vice-President O. Vera Beryl said an excellent method of gaining last-minute votes is to accuse the opponent of accepting illegal or improper funding.
"We take the position that any money funneled to Republican candidates is improper," she said. "Therefore, we consider it our duty and right to protest anytime a Republican has money with which to advertise.
"Even if Republican money is not illegal, it should be, and so we'll ask the IRS or another governmental body to investigate. Whether an investigation leads anywhere, that's not important. What's important is to get the accusation out there to plant a seed of doubt in voters' minds.
"We also like to complain that the Republicans have more money from big corporate sponsors than we do. Even if that's not quite true, people want to believe it, and so they do. We love to be the underdog because America loves an underdog, even if the underdog actually has an advantage they don't know about."
DNC Hispanic Outreach Chairwoman Bettina Casino said Latino voters will have a major impact on the election today.
"In light of the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ruling last week, we are asking all undocumented immigrants to vote for Democrats," she said. "Migrants without papers deserve the right to vote as much as anybody else because they pay sales tax on their purchases, gasoline taxes, car registration fees, utility taxes and thousands of other taxes.
"None of the polls have taken into consideration that 80 to 90 percent of undocumented aliens will vote for Democrats because they want to tax those with jobs and get the benefits they deserve."
Quote of the Day
“It's not the votes that count. It's who counts the votes. ” — Joseph Stalin