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'Nice Guy' Bombing Suspect: 'Republicans Made Me Do It'

by Les Salton Pepper

NEW YORK CITY, N.Y. — The major news media has uncovered what they call indubitable evidence that terrorism is the fault of Republican politicians. That's the consensus of the reporters who conducted an in-depth analysis of Connecticut resident and "nice guy" American citizen Faisal Shahzad, arrested in connection with the May 3 attempted bombing at Times Square.

The analysis was conducted by graduates of "progressive" journalism schools, whose alumni comprise the staff of the major news organizations. They learned that Faisal Shahzad, which means "judge prince" in Arabic, was a typical hard-working American who was despondent when his dreams of home ownership were dashed by the Republican-led mortgage crisis.

"This unfortunate fellow was most likely plunged into depression when he found out that he couldn't make his house payments after he quit his job as a financial analyst last June," said B. Lee Dinghart, Connecticut-based reporter for the New York Times. "This tragedy could have been avoided if Republicans had not fought Congressional Democrats who wanted to pay the mortgages of minorities with undesirable jobs."

An enterprising reporter for the Connecticut Post-It rifled through the trash piles outside Shahzad's home and was able to remove and alter evidence even before President Barack Obama's speedy and extraordinarily competent FBI agents could arrive. He posted Shahzad's Pakistani passport online along with several other documents.

"We balanced the interests of the nation to know details about this poor guy against the confliciting interest of preserving the right of privacy of his family," the reporter, Alta Ruistec, told Skinnyreporter. "We ultimately decided to violate their privacy, which might seem difficult to some, but we do it all the time because that's what we're paid to do."

The papers showed that Shahzad was a mediocre student who first attended college as a foreign non-migrant studying under an academic visa. Taxpayers paid for part of his tuition, $6,700 in 2005 alone.

"If we had paid all his tuition, he probably would have been more thankful to the country," Dinghart said. "Now we can see the wisdom of providing migrants and new citizens with free tuition. And yet Republicans continue to fight this concept as we consider giving citizenship to millions of undocumented immigrants and providing them with free tuition."

Ristec's papers, which he since has turned over to federal investigators, show that Shahzad earned $5,458 in 2000, when he earned his undergraduate degree, and he took out a $218,400 mortgage in 2004 to buy a three-bedroom house.

"At least he was able to get a mortgage as a poor, struggling student trying to make America a better place to live," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. "We Democrats take full credit for that because we required banks to make loans to aliens and other minorities.

"If it weren't for the predatory practices of bankers, who were allowed by the Republicans to use capitalistic profiteering techniques, such as charging interest on loans, Faisal would still be living in that house, as happy as a clam, with plenty of money to spend on vacations to his home country, Pakistan, where evidence now shows he took additional training courses to hone some of his skills."

According to the New York Postum, Shahzad told investigators that he wanted to blow up Times Square partly as retribution for drone bombings in Pakistan.

Skinnyreporter was able to arrange an exclusive interview with Shahzad shortly after he reportedly admitted to his bombing attempt. He was watching an Al Jazeera broadcast on a TV set that was mounted just outside his cell.

"My finance problems begin when I get home equity loan for $65,000 in June to pay for training back home," he said. "I thought I could pay back, but my trips for training in Pakistan took five months, so I quit job. During that time, drone bomb in August killed my leader in Pakistan, so I get loan from Al Qaeda to buy car bomb. Even though I not great student, I know bomb would stop drones in Pakistan.

"The more people I kill in New York, the sooner Uncle Sam leave Pakistan and take drones with him. Simple logic. Don't take genius to know that.

"Plus, if I get caught and executed, I get 72 virgins, Easy decision."

The Los Angeles Dimes reported that Shahzad was driven by his inability to make friends.

"If local guys let me in poker games," he said when asked whether his loneliness led to the bombing, "I probably be OK. But no friends here. I don't care about Americans. They deserve bombings for not being my friend."

The Connecticut Post-It painted a picture of Shahzad as a kind man prone to receiving letters decorated with teddy bears and children bearing flowers.

He had received love notes from his dearest Fayeza, who has not been identified. Journalists, who specialize in conjecture, theorized that she was his mistress, an Arab princess who might have struggled through difficult economic times by working at Pink Pussycat in Newark, New Jersey, but they were still looking for evidence pointing to that conclusion.

Evidently wanting to celebrate the start of the Arabic New Year and in a last failed attempt to cheer himself, Shahzad sometime in the past two months, spent the last of his funds to travel to the Phantom Fireworks store in Matamoras, Pennsylvania, where he bought 196 to 288 firecrackers.

"If Obama's health insurance plan were in place," Senate Majority Leader Harry Reed said, "then Mr. Shahzad could have received the mental help he needed from a federally certified psychiatric clinic, where he certainly would have received the medicine he would have needed to alter his mood."

Shahzad admitted that his problems stemmed from various crises that Republicans created.

Thomas Freetheman of the New York Dimes said it was easy for him to connect Shahzad's actions with war crimes and dereliction of Republicans.

"Republicans invaded Kuwait, Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan. Republicans deregulated banks, which led to the derivatives disaster that almost caused the world financial failure, and Republicans fought the Democrats' efforts to provide a mortgage to anybody who wanted one, regardless of their ability to pay. And Republicans were in control when the drones that killed Mr. Shahzad's friends were made."

Republican Party public relations representative Apollo Jizt said it is more likely that Shazad is a terrorist because he subscribes to Islamic extremism and has been brainwashed by Al Quaeda.

"How many 'nice guy' neighbors do you know who are natives of a Muslim country, who spend five months in terrorist training in such a country?" he asked. "And yet very few news reporters bothered to point out that young Arab men have been behind the vast majority of terrorist attacks for the past 40 years. Why bury our heads in the sand?

"Plus those who care to study history will see that it was a Democrat president who deregulated the banks. Democrats were in control when they required banks to issue home loans to minorities and others who could not afford them. Democrats took over a healthy economy from a Republican-controlled Congress and quickly ruined everything.

"Still, I'm not blaming Democrats for Shahzad's actions. He is obviously a misguided Arab extremist who was influenced and trained by Islamic extremist terrorists. And I think most Americans are smart enough to see through this ruse that the major media are attempting to paint.

"Shahzad isn't your typical white man citizen, as some so-called journalists are calling him. And I doubt very much that his wife, though she might have grown up in Colorado and loves shopping, is your typical suburban housewife. She has an Arab name, and investigators think she is in Pakistan.

"It's time for you major media types to get off your lawns and get your heads out of your grass.

"Give me a break!"

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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Quote of the Day

Whatever we once were, we are no longer a Christian nation – at least, not just. We are also a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, a Buddhist nation, and a Hindu nation, and a nation of nonbelievers. — Barack Obama, June 28, 2006