'Fast and Furious' to battle drugs, pirates, counterfeiters

by Douglas Furr

Oct. 12, 2011, Washington, D.C. — The Obama Administration today announced plans to expand its so-called Fast and Furious gun tracking program to illegal drugs, counterfeit money, and pirated music and movies.

"Despite a couple of setbacks, Fast and Furious has been an astounding success," said White House Assistant Press Secretary Justin Towne, who began his new job this morning immediately upon his arrival from his home town of Chicago. "F and F has been almost as successful as the president's economic recovery program, which has saved 90.8 percent of American jobs by keeping the unemployment rate at 9.2 percent."

Under the Fast and Furious program Attorney General Eric Holder directed the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms (BATF) to put 2,000 illegal guns into circulation, hoping to place them in the hands of Mexican drug dealers. The program succeeded as drug cartels snapped up many of the guns, some of which were used to kill U.S. drug agents.

"I realized early on that Fast and Furious would be an important tool of law enforcement," Holder said, producing five internal Justice Department memos to prove that he has been behind the program since July 2010. "About 40 of the firearms ended up in the gun closet of a single cartel enforcer."

Fast and Furious Director Schell N. Chamber said he is expanding the program at the behest of President Obama.

"We're going to start by targeting cocaine users," Chamber said. "We have tons of cocaine that is going to waste in evidence lockers in most of our major cities. Our plan is to mix the cocaine with chemical markers and then place it into the black market through paid informants. We are confident this program will allow enforcement officers to identify cocaine addicts and coroners to identify cocaine victims."

Assistant F&F Director Dee Major said the FBI will implement Fast and Furious in its search for music pirates.

"We are starting with an email campaign, offering free of charge digitized songs and movies, including the original 'Fast and Furious' movie starring Vin Diesel," he said. "If we find any of these files on a your computer, you're going to jail where you belong."

Secret Service Director Anne Ahnemuss said she is excited to implement Fast and Furious principles in her fight to track down money counterfeiters. The first step is to sell high-tech Department of Treasury printers to drug cartels, suspected money counterfeiters and document mills.

"These printers are capable of printing one hundred dollar bills that are indistinguishable from genuine bills," she said. "So we're pretty sure they will be used to make unauthorized currency."

She admitted that she faces the same problem that challenged the original Fast and Furious program, which lost track of the guns they placed into the underworld.

"The Justice Department lost track of Fast and Furious guns the instant they were sold," she said, "but the program was highly successful in garnering support for more gun control. It highlighted the fact that the 300 federal and state gun control laws currently on the books aren't working, so we obviously need more.

"In much the same way, President Obama needs to build support for printing more money. When people see how an infusion of cash will help local economies, the public will demand that President Obama keeps the Treasury Department presses working twenty-four seven."

Assistant Secretary of State Norma Lee Lucid said her boss, Hillary Clinton, sees an opportunity to employee Fast and Furious in her work to rid the world of nuclear arms.

"If we could place a small number of hydrogen bombs in the black market," she said, "we would quickly know who wants to use them for nefarious purposes."

Obama said his newfound knowledge of economics, which has been gained through hard work and the spending of more than $4 trillion borrowed from China, allowed him to predict that Fast and Furious ultimately would reduce the power of drug cartels.

"I've known for years that if we could put more guns into the hands of drug cartels, they could do a better job of increasingly the supply of narcotics," he said. "That in turn would reduce the price, which would reduce the money available to drug cartels and drug dealers and force them to go into legitimate businesses. Once we figure out how to employ Fast and Furious in nuclear proliferation, we can drive down the demand for nuclear weapons, which in turn will force the North Koreans and Iranians to stop trying to produce nukes for themselves."

Links of the Day

Fast and Furious has been an astounding success

Obama stimulus has saved 90.8 percent of American jobs

Attorney General Eric Holder takes credit for Fast and Furious

Holder cites internal memos to prove early support for F and F

40 F and F guns end up in closet of drug cartel enforcer

F and F points to need for more gun control laws

Genius of counting jobs saved or created

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