Obama on his broken campaign promises: "Republicans made me do it."

Obama bans Pelosi on Air Force 1: "If my jet goes down, liberal socialism must not die."

Financial Reform Could Save Party, Dems Say

by Golda Naig

WASHINGTON, D.C. — "I've found a way to save our party," a smiling Harry Reid, Majority Leader of the Senate, said Wednesday upon emerging from a meeting with Kahn Fisgate, President Barack Obama's executive pay czar. "It's the financial reform bill."

The bill, which has already passed the House and is awaiting Senate approval, recently has gained popularity among Democrats as they realize that it authorizes the Obama Administration to take over any bank or other financial institution at any time. The only requirement is that the Secretary of the Treasury believes that a takeover is in the best interest of the United States. The secretary, who acts under the direction of the president, can fire the management, replace the board of directors, sell company assets and declare stocks in the company worthless. Yet there are no objective criteria required to take over a company, federal and state courts may not review the decision, and the public costs of such takeovers can be kept secret.

"The bill solves a huge problem for us," Reid said. "The Supreme Court dealt us a major blow when it ruled that private companies can contribute toward political campaigns. Since big companies don't like Democrats who are opposed to making a profit, they tend to send money to the RNC instead of the DNC.

"We're already having a tough time getting money. Some people are just too stupid to understand why we tripled the national debt to save banks that were too big to fail. Plus there are too many idiots who can't see why the economic stimulus funds went mostly to bureaucrats, developers and banks. Then we have the morons who don't get the reasons that Obama has found it necessary to cancel 39 of his campaign promises. This bill can get us more money than we could imagine."

Reid said he expects banks, insurance companies and other financial institutions to stop donating money to Republican candidates once bank officials realize that doing so could expose them to a federal takeover.

"We anticipate that contributions to the Democratic Party and to Democratic candidates will go up significantly and immediately," Reid said, "Moreover, if we take over a bank, we can then dictate how their money is spent.

"You can be sure that donations to the DNP will be the first thing we'll be looking at. We'll also be looking at whom they hire. This will ensure that long-time party backers will be getting some great jobs. Our friends at the labor unions and the NAACP can sleep well because you can be sure we'll take good care of them."

Fisgate, who is responsible for determining executive salaries at companies that have received public bailout funds, said the guidelines he employs now can be applied to executiv

es of all financial institutions, even those that have never taken public monies.

"My guidelines for determining executive pay will go into effect as soon as the Senate passes the bill," he said. "Officials better watch out which political positions they take, and which party they help. We're going to come down on the greedy profiteers who have fought cap and trade, health insurance reform, rolling back the Bush tax cuts, and McCain-Feingold. This will give us a great tool to mold the society that we all deserve."

U.S. Congresswoman Maxine Waters said she was disappointed the bill did not address oil companies.

"If you axe this liberal, oil companies are also too big to fail," she said. "If this bill included them, then the United States could take over big oil, too. I'll be introducing a bill that will provide a way to nationalize oil companies in the next session of Congress. The governments of Mexico, Cuba and Venezuela own their oil, and we should own ours. Keeping people from making lots of money in oil would be a great way to share the wealth.

"It's obscene that we allow so many people here to make so much money that they can afford a house worth a quarter-million dollars. Look at Mexico and Cuba, where the average citizen doesn't make a lot more those who have nothing. Their income parity or poverty gap is something we should emulate."

The Senate bill was introduced by Senator Chris Dodd (D-Conn.), who said Republicans calling the bill "an endless taxpayer bailout for Wall Street banks" are "crazed extremists who cling to the notion that financial institutions can benefit people."

"Banks get in the way of good government," he said. "Believe me, there aren't many Jimmy Stewart bankers who see their job as providing a way for people to buy cars, homes and businesses. Most of them try to make money for their stockholders and themselves. Yet they've lost money for nine straight quarters, which wasn't enough to keep me happy. If the government were to take over the banks, I'm sure we could keep them in the red for years. Look at the Post Office."

"It's obvious that Republicans are saying no again to what's best for America," Reid said. "Who can deny that the government would make more money if it took over the biggest private companies in America."

Quote of the Day

"The thing about hip-hop today is it's smart, it's insightful. The way they can communicate a complex message in a very short space is remarkable." — Barack Obama

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