Weiner's multiple personalities

Ecstasy over high gas prices

Unintended misogynistic slur

Obama: Reincarnated Reagan?

Democrats celebrate: Record number
of Americans use food stamps

by Batt Mann

WASHINGTON, D.C., June 2, 2011 — Calling it the best economic news since President Obama took office, Democratic Party leader Will Dye announced today that a record 44 million Americans are using food stamps.

"This is great news for the economy," said Reps. Annette and Danette Sippey (D-Mississippi), the only identical twins serving in the House of Representatives.

The unmarried Miss A. Sippey and the married Mrs. Sippey said the latest news "proves what the Democrat Party has been saying for years — the best way to improve the economy is to issue more food stamps."

Hamilton "Ham" Burger, director of the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), said his goal is to put all Americans on food stamps.

"I was really disappointed that more than 250 million Americans persist in buying food with cash, check or plastic," he said. "Just think of the harm this has on our economy, not to mention how the current system allows people to buy harmful and unhealthful foods."

Hugh Jass, the 420-pound director of the Bureau of Agricultural Resources and Food (BARF), said the federal government could gain control over obesity if Congress required all citizens to use food stamps.

"Just as food stamps cannot be used now to buy dog food and cigarettes," he said, "so can we adjust the regulations to prohibit their use in the purchase of unhealthful foods, such as the Class I, II and III foods defined in the new ObamaFare bill.

"I myself would benefit from not being able to buy cookies, ice cream and buttered popcorn. I dream of the day when our eating customs will have changed to the point that only tofu and alfalfa are served at movie theaters."

Sen. Chris Coe (R-Iowa) fears that new food stamp rules could restrict purchases of three products that are derived from corn grown in his state — shortening, corn oil and corn syrup.

"If everybody has to use government stamps to buy food, and then the stamps can't be used to buy products from Iowa, it could hurt my constituents," he said.

Food and Drug Administration Director Corrie Ander announced Monday that most spices will be placed July 1 on the list of foods that cannot be purchased with food stamps.

"Spices are dangerous and pernicious," FDA Public Relations Director Hayes L. Knutt said. "They make food too enticing and, hence, contribute to the obesity epidemic.We will all breathe a sigh of relief when cinnamon, cumin, cayenne and coriander are no longer permitted."

TV Chef Walter Mellon, founder of the non-profit Youth Urban Cooperative Kitchen, said his protégés have been hard at work developing recipes that can be made from products that food stamp users can purchase.

"I'm proud to announce that YUCK recipes will make tofu and bean sprouts into highly appealing meals," he said.

President Obama's chief economist, Owen Bigg, said food stamps help the economy because they take pressure off family budgets.

"A family that normally spends about $300 a month on food will have extra money under our 100 percent food stamp program," he said. "That will allow the federal government to increase taxes on that family by about $300 a month. Multiply that amount by millions, and we would have plenty of money to study the monkeys addicted to cocaine, build bridges to nowhere, postpone the failure of Medicaid and bail out foreign banks.

"By all means, I beg Congress to require all Americans to do the patriotic thing and buy everything they eat with food stamps."

Quote of the Day

"My favorite item of apparel for a man is to be able to have a nice necktie. It's the only thing with color and interest that I have." — Mitt Romney

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