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Children get maximum fines and detention for repeated food violations

by Maggie Zean

May 18, 2012, Raeford, NC — At least 35 children between 4 and 9 years old have received maximum penalties for repeatedly violating state and federal food regulations.

"We go pretty easy on first-time violators who illegally sell lemonade from roadside stands," said Chief Law Administrator Mina Zsell of the Unified National Food Enforcement Division (UNFED). "For the first violation we fine them $400, and the second violation is $1,000 and seven days in detention. But some of these kids are habitual criminals who are subject to our 'three strikes and you're out' law. We fine them $15,000 and put them in detention for three years."

Zsell said her office is dedicated to ensuring compliance with ObamaFare, a comprehensive set of food-related regulations that have been implemented by President Obama's food czar, Anna Recksiek, whose official title is director of the National Organization of Food and Oral Obsession Department (NOFOOD). Recksiek is in danger of losing her job after she was criticized by Senate President Harry Reid last week for fining a Utah school only $15,000 for accidentally selling students soda pop during lunch hour.

One of the habitual violators who has been removed from the streets is 4-year-old Ginger Snapps, who had been accused of conspiring to sell drinks laden with sugar, which has been shown to cause diabetes and other dietary diseases that place undue financial stress on President Obama's Unaffordable Health Care Act.

The younger Snapps pleaded guilty Tuesday to three major violations of ObamaFare: selling non-diet lemonade, smuggling a six-ounce can of high-fructose apple juice into her elementary school, and for sharing a chicken nugget with a classmate who was four pounds over the federal height-to-weight ratio.

In exchange for her guilty plea, six other charges were dismissed. She also had been accused of putting too much salt on a U.S. Department of Agriculture-approved meal of boiled tofu and raw alfalfa sprouts, exceeding the yearly limit of one cookie, failure to acquire a food handler's license, erecting a lemonade sign that had not been certified by a structural engineer to be able to withstand winds exceeding 150 miles per hour, smuggling non-sugar-free gum in her pink backpack, and refusing to join Organizing for America.

Noah Eaton, who oversees the program, Federal Assistance for Supersized Teens (FAST) said it's important to get control of children's diets before they become teenagers.

"Michelle Obama has pointed out that kids can easily become addicted to such harmful foods as cake, pies, cookies, dinner rolls, bread, ice cream, apples, bananas and chicken nuggets," he said. "North Carolina State University researchers, working under a $926,000 grant from FAST, have shown that addiction is seldom a problem among children who stick to federally approved foods, such as Lima beans, soy milk and lawn grass sprouts."

Eaton pointed out that one of the violators, 6-year-old Robbie Banks, was dealing not only in Class II controlled foods but also in totally prohibited Class I food substances, such as Oreos and Junior Mints.

"That kid was smuggling that stuff into movie theaters, where he was selling it to addicts away from the light of day," he said. "Ever since ObamaFare outlawed some of these food-like substances, there has been a black market fed by pre-teen sugar addicts.

"We're just lucky we caught him with our infrared cameras. Otherwise, he could have grown up to be just like his father, Rob N. Banks, who is currently incarcerated for giving cholesterol-laden cow parts and illegally salted French fries to neighbors during a Saturday barbecue."

One of the newly detained juvenile delinquents was caught trying to sell hot dogs made from real Dachshunds, according to documents filed by Hart A. Tach, secretary of the Department of Gastronomy (DOG).

"The kid said he thought dog was on the approved list because President Obama ate it as a child," Tach said. "But that was in Indonesia, which is not subject to U.S. law."

Tach said parents should review food regulations with their children to prevent their unwittingly violating federal law.

"One of the violators was convicted of spreading fructose propaganda," he said. "The kid was singing an illegal song, 'An Apple a Day,' which glamorizes binge apple eating. One line of the song reads, 'Three each day, seven days a week,' which is 21 times the federal weekly limit."

Another violator, Candy Mintz, a 9-year-old Girl Scout, paid a $400 fine for selling more than one box of Tagalong cookies to individual consumers. Shortly after her release an undercover detective for the Food Enforcement Division (FED) persuaded her to sell him three boxes of Samoas. She was locked up for seven days and paid a $1,000 fine. Her third violation occurred when she sold four boxes of Do-Si-Dos on the sidewalk in front of the historic home of the founder of the Girl Scouts.

Director Collie Flowers of the Toxic Hypoadiposity Index Network (THIN) said the United Nations is considering U.S. law as it formulates international food regulations and taxes.

"The U.N. is committed to redistributing food wealth so that people in the U.S. stop eating so much," he said. "It's getting to where you can't even see kids' ribs anymore."

Obama's czar of international food redistribution, D. P. Frye, said that citizens who hold illegal bake sales should expect to see their products seized and sent to countries where citizens ingest insufficient calories.

"We expect to confiscate a whole boatload of contraband on June 13," he told Skinnyreporter. "That's the day that radio talk show host Glenn Beck has planned the National Lemonade Stand and Bake Sale Hug-A-Thon Day. We're cautioning citizens right now that they can't get away with baking, selling or buying unapproved cookies, cakes and pies. We already have food confiscation police in place in some of the high-population states, but President Obama has approved stimulus funds for us to control lemonade stands and bake sales in sparsely populated states."

Capt. Ollie Voyle of the Massachusetts Food Police said his officers are being trained to deal with a possibly unruly public as citizens who are "hopelessly addicted" to tasty treats attempt to consume excessive calories.

"We've retrained some of our drug dogs to sniff out food," he said. "Some of them are really good at finding the really bad stuff, like brownies and grandma's raisin-filled cookies."

Some schools have implemented innovative ways of replacing fund-raising bake sales. In California students who wish to raise funds for cheerleading and marching band competitions are encouraged to sign sponsors of hunger strikes.

"The really motivated kids can raise more than $100 in a single seven-day hunger strike," said State Hunger Strike Coordinator Marsha Mellow. "The results are really encouraging. A lot of our students are starting to look like students from countries where obesity is not a problem, such as Bangladesh and Ethiopia."

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