Indians protest proposed shooting of white buffalo

Occupy admits: Capitalism must go!

Obama PAC manager Knight Ryder to supporters: "We gotta stop running anti-Romney ads, or the GOP will figure out who we want to run against."

Energy Secretary Chu: "Higher gas prices don't bother me I don't even own a car."

Obama welcomes rise in unemployment to more than 9 percent: "People who need help from the government tend to vote Democrat. Higher unemployment can only help."

Gator hunters sue over trademarks they filed for talking funny. "Ya gotta pay if ya wanna say, 'Got Gator?' or ''Tree Breaka.'"

Grandfather apologizes after being arrested for holding burglar at gunpoint: "I'm sorry I valued my safety and property over the inconvenience of the burglar."

Health secretary defends confusion over Obamacare costs: "That's above my pay grade."

Unlike Romney, millionaires Gingrich and Santorum can identify with voters who pump their own gas, Super PAC ads claim.

In the event of a loss in November, Obama will file a wrongful termination suit, his attorney says. "I'm preparing the paperwork right now," said Bohn T. Pick, Esq.

Carbonite pulls sponsorship of Limbaugh after slut comment but backs shock jock Howard Stern. "Stern's listeners are not easily offended," explains Carbonite PR Director Dee Prest.

Santorum positive after Super Tuesday: "I won three states last night, and Romney won only six. But in the delegate count, which is what really matters, I'm only down 2 to 1."

Volt named European Car of the Year. "I don't know why those stupid Americans won't buy it," said Geneva Auto Show Director I. Mara Gunt.

President Obama says he didn't call Sarah Palin to see how she was doing after Bill Maher called her a MILF because he knew she wasn't a Filipino terrorist.

President Obama says he won't hire his Indonesian boyhood transgender nanny to watch after his children: "I don't want them to question my manhood, let alone my national identity."

"Bill Maher is funnier than Rush Limbaugh, and that's why we didn't complain when Maher called Sarah Palin the c word," says National Organization of Women President Sue Widge.

'God' joins Democrats and lawyers to fight tort reform

by Maggie Zeen

March 8, 2012, Washington, DC — "God" and 12 of his apostles, along with the American Bar Association and the Democrat Trial Lawyers Caucus, have formed a new GOSPEL political action committee to oppose tort reform.

According to the Federal Election Commission, the God Orders Suing People Except Lawyers Super PAC already has raised $120 million from personal injury lawyers, an illusionist who considers himself God and 12 of his apostles. One of those followers is a woman who won a $2.86 million judgment from MacDonald's Restaurants after she spilled hot coffee on her lap.

"Thou shalt not limit man's inalienable right to sue anybody over anything," proclaimed Christopher Roller, the Minnesota man who says he became God in a transformation that was portrayed in a movie, The Truman Show.

Roller is famous for filing lawsuits, including a $200,000 claim against magician David Blaine, who was accused of using Roller's godly powers to perform his magic. God contributed $100,000 to the PAC on the condition that it carry his name. He said the money was paid to him in out-of-court settlements that he received when several of the wives whom he had married, including Celine Dion and Katie Couric, divorced him.

"Republicans are nasty human beings who want to limit the amount of money that can be won in a lawsuit," said former senator, former trial lawyer and former Democrat presidential candidate John Edwards, who also contributed $100,000 to GOSPEL. "They have no morals and care only about helping companies, hospitals and doctors survive. They care more about the economy and the cost of health care and liability insurance than they care about trial lawyers and the helpless victims they represent."

Edwards himself is fighting a court battle. His trial over improper use of campaign funds has been delayed until next month as he reportedly suffers a serious health problem. He was indicted last year for using campaign donations to hide an affair with a member of his staff, who fathered his child after Edwards' wife had been diagnosed with cancer. In a vain effort to save the senator's political career, his chief of staff tried to claim that he had fathered the child.

Edwards is suing for the royalties that Andrew Young earned by writing a best-selling book that detailed how Young had tried to be the fall guy in the affair.

Another apostle and contributor to GOSPEL is Robert L. Brock, who wrote a check for an entire month's income, $37 earned by stamping out license plates, to the PAC. He gained fame for suing himself for $5 million. His claim? That he had violated his own civil rights by getting drunk and burglarizing a home. One of the Brocks asked the court to force the state of Virginia to pay the claim because he was being incarcerated, which prevented him from earning adequate income to pay a $5 million judgment.

Friends of the late Daniel Dukes contributed $52 to the PAC in honor of the man who hid from security guards at SeaWorld and then fulfilled his dream by diving into the killer whale aquarium and swimming with Tilikum, which promptly killed him. Dukes' parents sued SeaWorld for portraying killer whales as cuddly, adorable and nondangerous creatures by selling stuffed orca toys at the park. Tilikum already had killed a trainer in Canada and has since killed another trainer in Florida.

"David didn't think killer whales were killers," the parents argued before dropping their lawsuit when authorities claimed that the 27-year-old had died of hypothermia rather than killer whale tooth bites.

GOSPEL Coordinator Keelan Early III said today that the PAC's chief goal is to fight Republicans who want tort reform similar to a Texas law that limits non-economic damages such as pain to $250,000.

"The Texas law makes it unreasonably difficult for lawyers to make a good living by suing for hospital and doctor accidents," said Early, who was named for his father and grandfather, both of whom died before their first son was born. "The pain of a broken leg is worth more than $250,000. I don't know of anybody besides Steve-O who would let somebody break his leg for any amount of money, especially if half of it went to the lawyer."

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals joined GOSPEL with a donation of $868,000, half the amount it won by suing two Alabama hunters who had used the carcasses of dead rabbits to write a negative message about PETA. The organization also successfully sued another organization, People for the Eating of Tasty Animals, for using the same acronym. PETA has threatened to sue Skinnyreporter for displaying the same photograph, but in the interests of furthering the First Amendment as well as the Second Amendment, the image is reproduced here.

Two of God's apostles, PETA workers Rick O'Shea and Weather B. Magnum, donated $175. They garnered attention when they sued the state of New Jersey for protecting deer after they hit a buck while driving home from an anti-hunting protest.

Joshua Thompson of Michigan donated $6 to protect his right to sue over the high price of popcorn at movie theaters.

"Everybody knows popcorn doesn't cost as much as movie theaters charge," he said. "Federal ethanol subsidies have ended, and so the price of corn should be going down."

Thompson is seeking $82,000 from AMC Theaters for gouging him on popcorn prices.

Other well-known activists who have donated funds to GOSPEL include Drew P. Lydds of California, who is suing 27 producers of the most boring movies ever for making him fall asleep on dates; Bieder Goode, a karate instructor who is suing his wife for for serving macaroni and cheese for seven consecutive meals, a sin that caused him to teach her a lesson through corporal punishment; Cree P. Cooke, a MacDonald's employee who is suing Budweiser for falsely portraying excessive beer drinking as a way to attract gorgeous female companions; and Rhee Peter, a California police officer who sued a taser manufacturer after she accidentally drew her gun rather than her taser and killed an unruly passenger with three bullets from her repeating revolver.

Walmart and a coaltion of grocery stores and other retail outlets are reportedly forming a Super PAC of their own to fight frivolous lawsuits.

"Ever since we started using security cameras on every aisle, we're not paying as much to settle lawsuits over people who fall in our stores," said gay grocer Kay Rayshenz of the Federated Association of Grocers (FAG). "Every day we catch customers pretending to slip and fall, and then a few days later, they sue us for having slippery floors. But we're still paying out millions when people claim to fall just off camera. We really need tort reform, or the price of groceries will continue to go up."

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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