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GM Chief Wants $5 Per Gallon Gas Tax

by Robyn Feathers

June 7, 2011 — Government Motor Company CEO Dan Akerson wants significantly higher taxes on gasoline as an incentive for people to buy environmentally friendly vehicles.

"Yesterday I proposed a $1 per gallon federal tax increase," he said, "but today Energy Secretary Steven Chu reminded me that if a little is good, then a lot is better; and so now I'm calling for a federal tax of at least $5 per gallon. We must do everything possible to put driving gasoline-powered vehicles beyond the means of the average consumer."

Akerson said he publicly supports the economic policies of his boss, President Barack Obama, who forced former GM CEO Richard Kuverd Waggoner to resign before the White House agreed to buy 61 percent of the company.

"Sometimes I wish we were an independent company," Akerson said, "but I've learned to say and do what my superiors want, and I'm sure they would want me to support higher gasoline taxes."

He pointed out that President Obama has long called for skyrocketing energy prices and wants gasoline prices to rise to European levels, or about $8 a gallon.

"Some people might think that higher gas prices would hurt GM," Akerson said, "but we build Chevy Volts, which emit no emissions whatsoever if you get your power from wind generators, and we need to sell a lot more Volts to achieve President Obama's goal of selling 1 million by the year 2094."

Energy Department Wind Division Chief Bleauwen N. D'Winn said the U.S. currently gets 1 percent of its energy from wind generators but is expected to reach 20 percent long before the 1 millionth Volt is sold.

GM Director of Development I. Vegas Haugg said his engineers are working overtime to redesign alternative forms of transportation, such as gyroscope-equipped Impala unicycles, low-friction Vega rollerskates, solar-powered Chevette scooters, ergonomically designed Cadillac handcarts and aerodynamic Malibu bicycles.

President Obama's cabinet members are doing everything possible to reduce the demand for long-distance ground transportation, according to White House Press Assistant Yuri Kassid.

U.S. Department of Tourism Director Forrest Sayle, for example, is in the midst of implementing a fundamental change in the promotion of domestic tourism.

"We are encouraging people to vacation no more than 10 miles from home," he said. "President Obama has asked everybody to sacrifice, and it's high time that people stop wasting valuable nonrenewable resources for interstate entertainment travel. A higher gas tax won't work by itself, so beginning July 4 we will be placing a $90 per person per day federal tax on top of entrance fees to all entertainment venues that persist in promoting long-distance travel."

He said a University of Harvard study showed that a $90 daily tax added to current entrance fees would reduce participation by about 90 percent in Disneyland, Disney World, Universal Studios and Sea World as well as in national parks, national monuments and federal historic sites.

National Parks Service Director Chip Monk said he has directed employees to stop maintaining roads and other improvements at national parks and monuments.

"We have to do something to discourage people from traveling long distances to visit our facilities," he said. "We don't have the funds to tear out all our roads, but if we stop repairing them, Mother Nature will take care of them for us. The new tax added to current entrance fees will conserve fossil fuels and put an end to global warming.

"If temperatures keep going up 2 degrees a year, a tropical climate will destroy the Yellowstone ecosystem within 30 years," he said. "The only good thing about that is we'll have a place to put all the alligators from the Rio Grande National Moat."

Quotes of the Day

"The answer to global warming is in the abolition of private property and production for human need. A socialist world would place an enormous priority on alternative energy sources. This is what ecologically-minded socialists have been exploring for quite some time now." — Louis Provost

"I don't speak for the scientific community, of course, but I believe the world's getting warmer. I can't prove that, but I believe based on what I read that the world is getting warmer. And number two, I believe that humans contribute to that. I don't know how much our contribution is to that, because I know that there have been periods of greater heat and warmth in the past but I believe we contribute to that. And so I think it's important for us to reduce our emissions of pollutants and greenhouse gases that may well be significant contributors to the climate change and the global warming that you're seeing." — Mitt Romney

"The global warming comment demonstrates a trait I've noted in Romney before: The reason he has a reputation as a panderer is precisely that he's not very good at pandering." — David Frum

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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