Gays and others exchange vows: 'Agree with me or else!'

by Al Ayers

Feb. 25, 2012, San Francisco, CA — Gays and other Americans are increasingly refusing to provide services and products to citizens who do not support their political views.

On Tuesday gay hairdresser Antonio Darden refused to style New Mexico Gov. Susana Martinez's hair because she does not support gay marriage. Later that same day gay Texas judge Tonya Parker announced her refusal to marry heterosexual couples until homosexual couples are allowed to marry in the Lone Star State. Then lesbian basketball star Thelonius Gallintown of the Hawaii Art School Rainbows said she would intentionally miss all her shots until the state of Hawaii gave preference to gay couples in adoption proceedings.

"My family ostracized me when they found out I preferred women," Gallintown said. "I was the loneliest girl in town. I'm still upset that I couldn't be adopted by a gay couple, and so I'm not going to give people the pleasure of watching me make baskets until the law is changed."

Heterosexuals didn't take long to fight back. Knight Kroller, a Wisconsin legislator and the owner of a bait shop in the town of Gays Mill, restricted the sale of fishing worms to anglers who agreed to sign a petition in favor of traditional homosexual marriage.

"I think it's all right to let gays fish," he said, "but people who want to shove gay marraige down my throat aren't going to use my night crawlers."

Spiritualist Barry N. Transing of Ghost Town, Texas, an evangelical preacher who supports Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, declines to contact dead people for customers who favor gun control.

"Guns don't kill people," he said. "People do. I haven't talked yet with a spirit who blames his death on a gun."

Conservative psychiatrist and author Sue E. Cydell said she won't sell copies of her lastest best-selling self-help book to persons who support Obamacare. The book, "How to Cheer Yourself Up by Beating Yourself at Solitaire," is popular among patients who suffer simultaneously from depression and multiple-personality disorder.

In the past couple of days a rash of Americans from all walks of life have publicly announced their refusal to provide services and products to customers who do not hold similar political positions.

Medical marijuana pharmacist Dr. Stone Dydler said he won't fill any prescriptions for customers who refuse to support a bill to decriminalize narcotics and hallucinogenics.

"I don't think that will hurt my business at all," he said. "I can't think of a current customer who disagrees with me."

Part-time tax adviser Wood Rathers Nohr of Sleepy Hollow, New York, announced his intention to reject prospective customers who won't support a bill to limit the work week to 20 hours.

"Everybody agrees we work too much," he said, "and so I'm taking a courageous stand just to make a difference. President Obama has already called to support me. He said if members of Congress followed his example and golfed more than worked, a lot fewer bad laws would be passed."

Cemetery owner Phil Upgraves of Tombstone, Arizona, said he won't sell burial plots to anybody who won't support a movement to legalize euthanization of seriously ill patients.

"There have been so many medical advances that delay death, which is inevitable anyway, that my business has slowed down a lot," Upgraves said. "We need to speed up the process, not slow it down, so I can get out there and fill up some graves."

His brother Doug said unnecessary life-extending procedures also have slowed down the demand for his night job, which he declined to describe but hinted that it involves the resale of jewelry, artificial limbs, suits, hair pieces and dental gold.

The neurotic woman who has won the last 12 episodes of the television game show "Jeopardy" — Ann "Psycho" P. Deeah — has refused to take part in next week's broadcast unless host Alex Trebeck signs a petition to raise the federal income tax rate of millionaires to 90 percent of gross earnings.

"My study of the encyclopedia revealed that Great Britain used to have a 90 percent tax rate," she said. "The government made a lot of money off the Beatles and other celebrities before they moved to America. If we raised our taxes, maybe we could get a lot of the money from some of the undesirables who came here from England before they move out."

Nashville songwriter R. Caesar Ryzen, who volunteers every spring for Greenpeace by harassing polar bear hunters in northern Canada, said he won't pen a tune for singers who have their grass cut by gasoline-powered lawnmowers.

"Gas lawnmowers use fossil fuels," he said. "The smoke causes global warming, which is why the polar ice caps are melting, our seas are rising, and polar bears are drowning," he said.

Classical guitarist Manny Wong Kordz of Cincinnati, whose parents emigrated from China and the Czech Republic, said he won't play before any fan who doesn't support tripling the federal contribution to the National Endowment of the Arts.

"It's a vital role of government to make everybody pay for classical art and music," he said. "If it weren't for millions in governmental grants, we wouldn't have symphonies, operas or exhibitions of unpopular art, such as Andres Serrano's Piss Christ. Nobody wants to pay voluntarily for people to make a good living in classical art, and so we all have to pitch in."

Limerick of the Day

The stir fry cook he did balk
At the accusing cannibal talk
'Twould soon be forgotten
That he had only gotten
A little behind in his wok. — Craig LaRocco

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