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New agency to require images of victims on all dangerous products

by F. Reese Peerette

Aug. 19, 2011, Washington, D.C. — The new Federal Consumer Protection Administration today ruled that all dangerous products must display graphic warning photographs of dead or terminally ill victims to discourage purchase or use of those products. The ruling came after the public's overwhelmingly positive response to the Federal Drug Administration's requirement that cigarette packages must show graphic warning images beginning September 2012.

Manufacturers must use images that have been selected by FCPA anti-marketing experts.

"I'm really happy with the images we have chosen," said FCPA Deputy Chief Kay Jeebey. "We're convinced that these pictures could reduce the demand for and the improper use of products that have been shown to cause death or terminal disease. Only pictures of dead or dying Americans may be used — no Canadians."

The graphic images must occupy at least 50 percent of the front and rear of each item, and a warning in text must appear on the top 20 percent of the front.

Among the products that must display graphic warning images are alcoholic beverages, automobiles, bicycles, golf clubs, lawnmowers, steak knives, lead fishing sinkers, trampolines, strollers, firearms, household chemicals, baseballs, skateboards, matches, over-the-counter drugs, Twinkies and any other food item classified as dangerous by Michelle Obama, who pushed for the creation of the Food and Oral Obedience League, also known as Obamacare.

Type I, II and III foods, such as cookies, pies, cheese, sausage, donuts, eggs and dinner rolls, must display four different images in equal proportions, said FOOL spokesman Cal R. Reeze. One photograph shows a 534-pound woman who suffered a fatal heart attack while swimming in a bikini, another shows a heart attack victim who has been gutted on an autopsy table, the third shows a dissected heart damaged by cholesterol, and the fourth is a photograph of a 620-pound man who plunged through his roof as he attempted to reposition a satellite TV antenna to improve reception of the Food Channel.

FOOL Chief Phil Bowles said any person who makes food for anybody other than immediate family members is subject to the new warning requirement.

"If you dye Easter eggs for any neighborhood children," he said, "they must display these photos along with the warning, 'The federal government has determined that eating more than two eggs a week could result in heart disease, which could be fatal."

Toy manufacturers said today that they cannot afford to warn consumers of the dangers of their products.

"There isn't a toy we make that doesn't potentially jeopardize life or limb," said Mona Pauley, public relations director of the Toy and Game Industrial Foundation (TGIF). "Few people realize it, but many stabbings and shootings have occurred after domestic disputes regarding Monopoly. And everybody knows Tiddly Winks can choke a child if improperly placed in the trachea. But we don't think it's financially feasible for us to print pictures of dead babies on each Tiddly Wink piece, dice or Trivial Pursuit card."

Former rap artist V.I. "Big Bruttha" Lennon, recently appointed by President Obama to lead the FCPA said he hopes the new graphic warnings make the bicycle a thing of the past.

"Kids have been dying on bikes for decades," he said. "If parents had to look at a youngster with a smashed skull before laying out the money for another bipedaled kid killer, I'm confident sales will become nonexistent."

Lennon assured that companies whose major shareholder is the federal government are exempt from the new safety graphics.

"The Government Motor Corporation won't need to discourage consumers by placing decals on Chevy Volts," he said. "Ford, however, will be required to place pictures of traffic accident fatalities on the fronts, sides and backs of any vehicle. Additionally, any non-GMC vehicle that operates on fossil fuel must show a picture of a drowning polar bear or a dead Ethiopian who was the victim of a famine caused by global warming that was created by the carbon dioxide released by internal combusion engines."

The National Rifle Association fought unsuccessfully to exempt firearms from the graphic warning requirement. NRA Public Liaison Officer Day V. Krokit said many guns already are manufacturered with engravings of ducks, geese, deer and other animals that have been killed by firearms, but the federal government insisted on photographs of actual victims. He said the NRA still objects to the photos they must reproduce because most showed the victims of gun-toting killers.

"Guns don't kill people," he said. "People do. Maybe we should tattoo the likenesses of murder victims on the chests of their killers."

On the subject of tattoos the FCPA initially decided that poultry farmers had to indelibly mark each turkey, chicken and Cornish game hen with color lithographs showing victims of obesity, arteriosclerosis and high blood pressure. When the Federal Drug Administration declined to identify non-carcinogenic inks that could be used to lithograph each bird, the FCPA relented. Now victims' images must be shown only on packaging except for fried chicken sold by KFC and other fast food outlets, which must attach a photo tag to each piece of chicken.

Furniture also must be marked with graphic warnings, said former hippie Lott A. Hayer, director of the American Furniture Regulation Agency. Sofas must show dead couch potatoes who succumbed to heart disease exacerbated by long periods of physical inactivity, while clothing chests must show children who suffocated when they locked themselves in drawers or infants who were crushed by armoires that had not been anchored properly to a wall.

"My dream is finally coming true," said five-time presidential candidate Ralph Nader, who gained fame as a consumer advocate after his book, "Unsafe at Any Speed," revealed the dangers of the Corvair automobile.

"By the end of next year nobody will be able to go into a house without seeing graphic warning pictures completely surrounding them," he said. "Nobody will have an excuse for not knowing the intrinsic dangers of living in this consumer oriented society. We've long advised people to return to nature, where the only real dangers are acts of God. Just think how much safer we would be without vaccines that have been shown to cause autism, motorized vehicles that have heated up the earth to the point that polar bears are drowning, centralized furnaces that can kill you with carbon monoxide, clothing made of artificial fibers that can catch on fire, shoes made either of non-renewable natural resources or the skins of innocent animals, or the ubiquitous electric motor, which produces electromagnetic radiation in almost every type of modern appliance from wristwatches and air conditioners to refrigerators and vacuum cleaners."

Quote of the Day

"All that year the animals worked like slaves. But they were happy in their work; they grudged no effort or sacrifice, well aware that everything they did was for the benefit of themselves and those of their kind who would come after them, and not for a pack of idle, thieving human beings.".— George Orwell, Animal Farm, Chapter 6.

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