Next story

Pushing 'spread the wealth'

Previous story

Entertainment Fairness Bill

Democrats Unveil
Gun Control Bill

by Ivana Gunn

April 10, 2010, WASHINGTON, D.C. — Saying too many Americans are buying guns, top Democratic leaders today held a press conference to announce new legislation intended to reduce gun sales by more than 95 percent.

"There's not much we can do to prevent criminals from buying guns," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "but just because we can't keep 5.3 million registered felons and several times that many undocumented immigrants from buying guns, that's no reason for us to do nothing about other people who are buying guns."

Citing statistics that firearms sales have skyrocketed since President Barack Obama took office, Pelosi said many Americans have an unfounded fear that Obama or her party will take away their guns.

"That's just plain salami," she said, confusing her Italian meat products. "We won't take anybody's guns. However, we do expect people to bring their guns to their local police department voluntarily so that they can be melted down and made into useful products, such as forks and spoons to feed the hungry children in Cuba."

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said the chief goal of the legislation, labeled the Citizens Safety Act of 2010, is to prevent the sale and manufacture of all manmade products that are capable of killing.

"We are finally taking steps to get rid of not only the gun but also the knife, the lead pipe, the candlestick and the rope," he said, asking that questions about the bill be directed to his public relations firm, Parker Brothers.

May Kamai Day, President Obama's Public Safety Czar, said all weapons must be registered and permanently marked so that any crimes that might be committed by them can be traced to previous owners, who can be held liable in civil court for failure to keep them secure.

"No good citizen should endanger our citizenry by leaving a rope, a brick or a paring knife unattended," she said.

The National Rifle Association and the American Hatchet Throwers Association immediately issued a statement condemning the bill.

"Guns don't kill people," NRA Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre said, "Criminals kill people. People need guns to protect themselves from criminals. Statistics bear this out. States with lenient gun laws have lower crime rates, lower murder rates and lower robbery rates than states that forbid concealed weapons. Criminals love it when the ordinary citizen cannot have a gun because it makes their job a lot less risky."

"Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, sought out in Ohio for his working man's opinion, said the plan to disarm America is troubling at a time when the average citizen is losing other freedoms, such as the freedom to spend his own money as he wishes, to listen to conservative talk radio, to buy less expensive high-deductible health insurance, to buy gasoline-powered lawnmowers, to barbecue with propane or charcoal briquettes, and to recite the Pledge of Allegiance rather than the Reformed Pledge of Allegiance.

"But what really makes this bill onerous to me is the requirement to register lead pipes," he said. "What will be next, iron pipes? Or galvanized pipes? A Utah murder was committed with a PVC pipe, so what about that? Environmental wackos already want to outlaw PVC because it's made from fossil fuels. Soon the Democrats will have me registering all my pipe wrenches, my other tools, and probably even my Bible if it's too big and heavy."

Making a statement supporting the bill were Sarah Brady and her husband, James, President Ronald Reagan's former assistant, who was shot and permanently disabled in 1981 by John Hinckley Jr. The so-called Brady Bill required propective handgun buyers to wait five days before completing a purchase, a requirement that the U.S. Supreme Court later ruled unconstitutional.

"If nobody had guns, then criminals wouldn't have anybody to steal them from," said Mrs. Brady. "If we could get rid of even half of the 200 million guns in America, then fewer people would have guns that could be stolen by crazies like Hinckley."

Legal expert Freda Gunns said the 2010 bill will remove a major threat to the safety of American citizens.

"I expect this bill to be at least as effective as federal laws that have outlawed the manufacturer, use and sale of illicit drugs," he said. "Once passed, you won't find guns in the homes of law-abiding citizens."

Will Butcher, paroled last month after serving 12 years for the 1996 murder of a rival drug dealer in Cincinnati, offered his opinion of the Citizens Safety Act. A graduate of Holy Toledo University's online law school during his prison years, he represents convicts and ex-cons, specializing in the rules of evidence and the Fifth Amendment.

"There are already 20,000 gun laws on the books," Butcher said. "Since a citizen cannot be forced to testify against himself, most laws simply don't apply to those who have no desire to abide by them. However, the laws do apply to those who are committed to complying with them, so I expect this bill to increase the safety of my clients whose financial circumstances compel them to acquire necessary funds through means that most people don't seem to understand."

LaPierre said the mere presence of guns currently prevents about 2 million crimes per year, according to expert estimates.

"If law-abiding citizens don't have guns," he said, "there will be more crimes."

Pelosi disputes that, saying the life of a human being is worth far more than the value of items that he or she might need to acquire. "If needy people did not have to protect themselves," she said, "fewer greedy, materialistic people would be shot while trying to keep more than their fair share."

Quote of the Day

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even when there are no rivers. — Nikita Khrushchev

Home page
Article Archive
Synapses Synopsis Archive
You might be a liberal if ...
You might be a conservative if ...
Facebook page
Position on bigotry
Glossary (under construction)

Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

Articles are copyrighted. You may email or use articles if they are attributed to Websites may publish as many as 20 Skinnyreporter articles, but you must have written permission to publish any of them in a printed book or magazine.

Note: The names of sources often have hidden meanings. Click on links for facts relating to the stories. We strive to answer the question, What would politicians say if they didn't think normal citizens were listening? A skilled observer studies body language and becomes expert at what some call "reading between the lines." We attempt to fill in those lines.

Please support:

Spurlin Heating and Air
Farmington, Utah

Call 801-709-9280 to purchase an advertisement here ($200 per column inch per month).