'I'm a reincarnated jihadist,' Hefner admits
by Faye Kerr
LOS ANGELES, Calif. — The world's most famous and infamous playboy, Hugh Hefner, founder of the Playboy empire of magazines, films and cable shows, revealed Tuesday that he is actually a reincarnated islamic jihadist.
"In a previous life, my name was Imad Atta Allah Wiman," Hefner said at Playboy Mansion West, the multimillion dollar opulent palace that he shares with a bevy of beauties.
"I can vouch for the fact that muslim martyrs are rewarded with 72 virgins. I should point out that I had to run through 10 times that many non-virgins before I got those 72 virgins, but it finally came true last year after Holly, Kendra and Bridget left, and Sheila Blige came into my life.
"My memory is a little fuzzy, but I have the distinct impression that in my previous life I helped rid what is now modern-day Turkey of infidels in the late 1300s. My chief contribution was sinking raiding ships that approached the shores of my country. I did so by calling on Allah to bring on hail, thunderstorms, cyclones and giant waves.
"My nickname was Prayboy, and I lived in the Prayboy Mansion in Instanbul with the finest harem in the Muslim world. I think that's why I so easily adapted to my life in America."
Hefner said he decided to come out of the closet because recent bouts of dementia have convinced him that his days on earth are numbered.
"I've always felt guilty for not telling poor Christian men around the world that they had no chance to get the girls I've had," he said. "And if they want what I have in the next life, they had better convert now to Islam and start knocking off infidels.
"I wish to offer a warning, however. A martyr's virgins are virgins for a reason. And that's why I never allow any of them in public unless they're wearing burqas or a close approximation.
"If you expect to be rewarded with the gorgeous babes that grace the pages of my magazine, you're going to be sorely disappointed. My advice is if you do attain martydom, never turn on the lights, or your screams might hurt the ears of these innocent ladies."
Three of Hefner's virgins agreed to be interviewed by Skinnyreporter.
The first was Ima Wolfe, who bore a remarkable resemblance to her canine namesake with a fearsome dental assemblage, coarse gray hair covering her arms and half her face, and a protruding snout.
"I knew Hughesy Baby in his previous life," she said. "He was a lot more focused on Allah at that time. Now he is wasting so much time chasing non-virgins that I don't think he'll have much of a reward in the next life. In fact, I would guess that he'll end up as a toad or a snail."
The second virgin, Ivana Mann, said she is happy to live in a mansion but hopes that she is freed of the burqa in the next life. What little of her skin could be seen through her burqa had a strange lime cast and her hulking body structure was reminiscent of Shrek's wife, Fiona.
"I'm still a virgin," she said. "After a couple of long lifetimes, I am hoping for a change because I want a man."
The third virgin, Ann M. Balmer, said she is fascinated by death and considers it an escape from her frustrating life with Hefner.
"I thought I would become a non-virgin if I volunteered to reward an Islamic martyr," she said. "Boy, was I mistaken. I might convert to Christianity if Hef kicks the bucket before I do. If he leaves me anything, I'm going to try some of that plastic surgery that his other girls like so much."
Balmer said she broke all the mirrors in the virgin quarters after she accidentally got a look at her face one day.
"I know now why the burqa is an essential part of my life," she said. "My reflection scared me more than when I saw 'Psycho' home alone at the age of 8. I didn't stop trembling for days, and I wouldn't want any other human to have to see my face in its pre-elective surgery condition."
Dr. Franklin Graham, a reverend who has patterned his life after that of his father, the famous radio evangelist Billy Graham, said he is sad for Hefner.
"The poor old coot never had a real stable family life," Graham said. "He should be living the life of a doting grandfather and great-grandfather with a large family and dozens of admiring grandkids. But instead he has tried never to grow up. He's still nothing more than a 17-year-old juvenile delinquent with a body that is wearing plumb out. I don't believe this jihadist stuff for a second. He just has the early symptoms of Alzheimer's."
Hefner disputed Graham's diagnosis.
"My memory is still is as sharp as a tack, knock on wood," he said, reaching out to tap on an oak-paneled wall.
"Who's there?" he asked.
Quote of the Day
“It is not a sin to have latent desire or to be tempted immorally. The sin is when you yield to the temptation. ” — Jerry Falwell.