Holder surprises critics by finishing self-investigation early

by Gibb Mia Breyk

June 4, 2013, WASHINGTON, DC — Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that he already has finished a comprehensive investigation of himself as ordered by President Obama.

“In a complete renunciation of overreaching conservatives, I found no evidence whatsoever of wrongdoing by myself in any of the so-called scandals,” he said.

Holder said he studied how to investigate himself by watching video clips of international security expert Howard Mandell employing innovative techniques at the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City. The current “America’s Got Talent” judge, Mandell forced suspected terrorists to pat themselves down for weapons and passed out latex gloves to visitors for self-examination of body cavities.

“I tried the latex gloves myself,” Holder said. “It’s a lot harder than you think and hurts like a root canal, but I couldn’t find any contraband at all.”

The embattled attorney general said he took pains in his self-investigation to ensure that the subject knew his rights.

"Not only did I read the subject his Miranda warning," he said, "but I also outlined his 5th Amendment right to refuse to make any incriminating statements."

Holder said he found himself remarkably cooperative and was even able to gain access to most of his secret email addresses, which can be used to conceal illegal activities.

"I was expecting to take several days to read all the emails," he said, "but the subject made it easy by invoking executive privilege and redacting all communications between himself and other members of President Obama's administration."

As head of the Justice Department, Holder said he used his authority to expand the investigation to include any personal involvement with four of the five scandals cited by detractors of the Obama Administration.

“In fact, I was able to determine that I had no memory of any involvement in any of them.”

Holder said he has a clear conscience because he had no memory of being involved in the AP reporter scandal, the Benghazi affair, "Fast and Furious" or the federal government’s spying on Fox News reporters. He said he knew about and encouraged the Internal Revenue Service’s harassment of conservatives who call themselves patriots but said he saw nothing wrong with it.

“Everybody knows that the terms 'patriot,' '912 project' and 'Tea Party' are code words for racists who are conspiring to lower taxes and reduce government spending,” he said. “And nobody in their right mind would want people like that to take part in and, therefore, corrupt our elections.”

Holder said his investigation of his own role in the "Fast and Furious" Mexican gun walking affair took only 15 minutes because Obama has gagged the subject through invoking executive privilege.

"I'm proud of this administration's transparency," the attorney general said. "We're so transparent that some people say they can see right through us."

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