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Attorney General Holder
Pleads Ignorance

by Hale N. Hardy

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Eric Holder today clarified comments he had made Thursday before the Judiciary Committee. His clarification, however, lacked clarity because it was delivered in the peculiar language that he shares with other leftists inside the Beltway. In the interest of public knowledge, therefore, Skinnyreporter has taken the liberty of having the clarification translated into ordinary English by linguist and master interpreter Madden Kersing, whose work is reproduced below in italics.

"Devious extremist conservative lawmakers have been striving in earnest to persuade me to make statements that are inconsistent with our great leader's intentions and objectives," Holder said.

Republicans have been trying to get me to say things that make me and Obama look stupid.

"Simply said, I decline to assist them in their vain attempt due to a deep sense of respect of and loyalty to our great leader.

I won't do so because I do whatever Obama wants.

"I also hesitate to utter any statement that might indicate that I have concluded in my mind the facts about any issue that I have studied in detail because I possess the realization that additional information might be forthcoming — information that potentially could provide adequate justification for acceptance of a position that runs in opposition to previous dissimilar prejudgments.

I won't say what I believe in case I'm wrong.

"On four issues I am sure, however, and on those I have determined the facts by relying on information that I have been told is compelling by sources whom I trust implicitly, independent of any reading or study that I might have accomplished personally had I possessed more time.

I've made up my mind on four issues because other leftists told me what to believe. I haven't had time to study these issues myself.

"No statistical, analytical or otherwise forthcoming information could cause me to reassess the conclusions I have drawn concerning those issues because I am demonstrably convinced that evidence that I have not had a chance to personally review would indicate the correctness of my position.

Actual facts don't matter because I've made up my mind.

"I stake my reputation on my ability to assess information provided to me by an implicit trust of the sources of my information rather than an independent evaluation of the allegations relating to the issue itself.

I trust other leftists to tell me the truth, so I don't have to study the facts myself.

"Those issues are as follows:

The four things I believe are:

"One, that former President George W. Bush, former Vice-President Dick Cheney, former Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove and former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld are war criminals who lied to Congress about weapons of mass destruction to justify their invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan, where they killed thousands of innocent civilians in order to make money for Cheney's company, Halliburton, and for their well-heeled friends in the oil industry, who benefited unconscionably from the resulting massive increase in oil prices that was brought about by the intentional disruption of Iraq's oil pipeline to the world and misled us into the erroneous belief that Saddam Hussein had and was prepared to use weapons of mass destruction and was attempting to build nuclear weapons, which then would be turned over to terrorists who would use them against the United States;

The President Bush and his cronies are war criminals. They invaded Iraq and Afghanistan to get them and their buddies rich, not to protect America from Saddam Hussein, who said he had used weapons of mass destruction and threatened to do so again.

"Two, that catastrophic climate change caused by the burning of fossil fuels is the most serious threat to our well-being that has come about in my lifetime;

Man-caused global warming threatens us more than terrorism.

"Three, that America is a nation of racist cowards;

Americans hate me and President Obama because we are black, not because we are radical leftists.

"Four, that our great leader's plan to bring about fundamental change in America from failed imperialistic capitalism and the so-called free market toward a judicious sharing of the wealth is destined for success with a realization that our great leader's profound leadership, superior knowledge and unparalleled wisdom can lead America to apply his vision in a manner that has heretofore been impossible due to unwarranted interference by imperialistic regimes.

Obama is so smart that he can make America the first fundamentally socialist government to succeed. Previous socialist and communist governments have failed because of American and British interference, not because of a weakness of totalitarian socialism.

"Now, as to specifically addressing statements I made before a congressional committee, I was not permitted to finish my statements because of repeated interruptions by members of Congress.

I want to finish what I had to say to Congress before I was so rudely interrupted.

"I wanted to say that agents of the United States have not determined that any person suspected of carrying out terrorist-like attacks in America have been committed by terrorists, let alone by terrorists who were influenced by what Republicans like to call 'Islamic terrorists' or 'radical Islamists.'

I don't know whether radical Islamists were behind any of the terrorist attacks in America.

"I don't believe we can blame any religion for terrorist-like actions by individuals. Those persons have a variety of reasons for committing such actions, such as anger over foreclosures caused by the Bush Administration; frustration over the persecution of Muslims who were imprisoned by the Bush Administration simply for doing what their leaders had asked them to do; and a desire to prevent unwarranted aggression against and invasion of Muslim countries by American leaders who have been predisposed to accomplishing their means through violence rather than reasoned dialogue and diplomacy.

It's President Bush's fault that terrorists have killed or have tried to kill people in America.

"I am proud of my response to extremist Republican Representative Lamar Smith of Texas in my refusal to allow him to force me to blame independent acts of aggression on the influence of leaders of a religion I respect. I made him look like an uneducated and ignorant racist who was attempting to further his agenda of suppression and aggression by employing his power in a vain attempt to intimidate me.

I made Representative Smith look like a fool when he was unable to make me say that terrorists in America have had ties to radical Islam.

"I also am proud of my responses to another white racist Texan, Representative Ted Poe, about Arizona's controversial immigration law. He was upset that I had said I was considering filing a lawsuit to stop implementation of the law. He looked foolish when he couldn't seem to comprehend that I could be opposed to a law on the basis of what I had read about it or had been told about it rather than a reading of the law myself.

I made Representative Poe look like a fool when I admitted that I had never read the Arizona immigration bill.

"Furthermore, I believe I more than upheld my honor by asserting that a law could be challenged not only by its merits or lack thereof but by the manner it might or might not be implemented.

I made myself look good when I said I might challenge the way the bill might be applied even if the bill were good.

"In other words, he could not seem to understand that I might oppose a law that might specifically prohibit the application of racial profiling if others might have told me it did or if others told me that it might lead toward the sort of racial profiling that it prohibited."

Representative Poe is so stupid that he can't understand why I would say the law called for racial profiling when the law specifically prohibited it.

My opinions on the law came from what I had read in the New York Times and from what had been told to me by colleagues, lawyers working for the Justice Department and members of the Obama Administration, all of whom also might have relied on what opponents of the law had said, rather than from a personal reading of the law.

My opinion of the law isn't based on actually reading it. My opinion is based on the opinion of others, including a New York Times reporter, who also might not have read the law.

Limerick of the Day

It is up any old tree I would climb

To eat citrus about any old time

I don’t give a hoot

For apple-like fruit

'Cause that stuff is only sub-lime — Craig LaRocco

Quote of the Day

"The greatest ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about." — H. Jackson Brown, Jr

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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