Top Democrats vow to plow ahead despite congressional gridlock

by Rhoda Round

July 28, 2015—WASHINGTON, DC — A dozen high-profile Democrats today announced a plan "to fundamentally change America" without the cooperation of Republicans in Congress.

"We passed Obamacare without a single GOP vote," said Nancy Pelosi, former speaker of the House. "Now there are too many Republicans in Congress, and so we're going to implement through bureaucrat rules and executive actions our other good ideas, such as equalizing income, without a vote of any kind."

Nobel Peace Prize winner President Obama, speaking in Africa, took time from criticizing his critics to promote his neighborhood diversity plan.

"Everybody has the right to live in any neighborhood they want, whether they can afford it or not," Obama said. "My plan will give negative-interest loans to minorities who want to help us diversify America by moving into ritzy neighborhoods."

Despite opposition from voters and their elected representatives, Obama said he can implement his plan with his pen and a phone.

"The Republicans in Congress won't do anything to stop me," the president said. "As they've shown since taking over Congress, they are pretty well on my side and won't do anything to stop anything I want to do."

The plan offers low-income citizens monthly payments to live in neighborhoods that previously have been overwhelmingly white. Payments are adjusted to match monthly mortgage payments to buy a home in such neighborhoods. A minority below the poverty level will receive a monthly stipend of $3,000 to $5,000 a month for house payments.

Former Senate President Harry Reid and former Attorney General Eric Holder have been assigned to create a replacement for the "Fast and Furious" program that was scuttled after conservative media reporters learned about it.

"Because we've been opposed by Congress at every turn, we've been unable to keep small arms out of the hands of conservatives," Reid said, "and so we've outlined the steps that President Obama will be taking to implement our new 'Guns for the Ghetto' program. We will be supplying semi-automatic weapons to willing volunteers who live in low-income neighborhoods that are dominated by minorities."

Holder said it's a win-win program because minorities will now be able to defend their communities from police officers who have been targeting minorities for public execution, but if any guns are misused, then the administration will have more ammunition for implementing serious gun control on citizens who do not live in ghettos.

Presidential frontrunner Hillary "I Don't Recall" Clinton said she is taking a solemn vow to continue any executive actions that conservative voters find objectionable.

"President Obama has told me that he will increase public funding for Planned Parenthood so that it can continue to donate to science any tissues that are the result of unwanted conception," she said.

"This will give them enough funds to check the identity and politics of any potential undercover video producers. I have advised Planned Parenthood officials, however, to refrain from buying Lamborghinis with any excess funds that might be available for personal use. They really need to buy American vehicles, such as Hummers, preferably electric models that don't harm our planet."

Former Fox News commentator Bob Beckel and Secretary of State John Kerry have teamed up to implement nuclear treaties with ISIS, Libya and the Sudan.

"President Obama's A Bombs for Ayatollahs program has been so successful that it needs to be expanded to all enemies of the two Satans," Beckel said during a break in his alcohol treatment program. "I might have lost a few brain cells to booze, but even I can clearly see that the world is a safer place if terrorists become part of the nuclear community, which has never detonated a nuclear weapon since 1945."

Global warming mockumentary award winner Al "I'm Melting!" Gore said he has been assured executive actions will be taken soon to shut down the fossil fuels industry.

"I was counting the days before New York and Los Angeles would be covered by 120 feet of water from the melting ice caps," Gore said. "Now I can breathe easier as most people's cars, jets and boats will be parked, grounded and docked, which will reduce carbon dioxide in the air and will cool the planet."

Gore said citizens will be restricted to gliders, electric cars, canoes and oar-powered boats. Fossil fuels are to be reserved for the use of governmental officials and for advocates of federal actions to combat global climate change

Former White House intern trainer Bill "Blue Dress" Clinton and former presidential candidate John "Baby Daddy" Edwards have accepted co-chairs of President Obama's Immigrant Career Enterprise (ICE), which assures that undocumented workers receive housing, food stamps, cell phones, drivers licenses, voter ID cards and tuition to private schools at no charge to themselves.

"Our nation has progressed a lot in the past seven years," Clinton said. "There are still three or four Republicans who dare say negative things about illegal immigrants, but they don't represent what most congressional leaders think, judging from their actions."

Edwards said he is preparing federal bureaucracies to rebuff efforts by American citizens to defraud the ICE program.

"We know some Americans will try to get the free jobs and housing and other benefits that are meant for undocumented workers," he said. "Anybody who is caught dying their hair or pretending to have an accent in order to fraudulently obtain goods and services that should go to immigrants will be deported to Latin America."

Former green jobs czar Van "Commie" Jones said he also will take part in implementing President Obama's executive actions.

"Americans have been clamoring for a major overhaul of the tax code," he said. "Contrary to what Republicans think, people want a more progressive tax code, not a flat tax rate. Once President Obama signs the income equality actions I have recommended, we can look forward to the days when the wealthy again pay 90% or more of their income to the government. I'm confident that once President Clinton takes over, that percentage can be adjusted up to 99% or even higher."

Quote of the Day

If the dreams that you have don't scare you a little bit, then they're probably not big enough. -- Courtney Kerr

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