Volcano solution proposed: "We must cover it with a film made of recycled bottles."

Obama administration takes credit for "creating or saving" 2.5 million jobs. "That's only 100,000 fewer jobs than we lost," Biden says.

Obama lists successes: "Michelle didn't even think I would do this well."

Obama on his broken campaign promises: "Republicans made me do it."

Harry Reid praises bank reform bill: "It allows President Obama to take over any company that won't support him."

Obama bans Pelosi on Air Force 1: "If my jet goes down, liberal socialism must not die."

Pelosi unveils a Democrat gun control bill that includes the gun, the knife, the lead pipe, the candlestick and the rope.

Sponsor says Entertainment Fairness Bill will keep famous actors from earning more than other moviemaking comrades

Obama commands complete separation of church and state: It's wrong for others to tell me what's wrong," he said.

'Jersey Shore' stars praise Obamacare. "I was afraid I I might have to get a job," Snooki says.

Alaskans thankful for 'saved' jobs

Obama lists successes

Obama defends 'broken promises'

Bank bill could save DNP

Pelosi banned on Air Force 1

Pushing 'spread the wealth'

Demos unveil gun control

Entertainment Fairness Bill

Feds to remove religious symbols

'Jersey Shore' on health care

'Jail Them!' Clinton Says of Conservatives

by Raven Luna Tik

BOSTON HARBOR, MASS. — Speaking today from a replica of the Dartmouth, a British ship that was at the center of the Boston Tea Party riot in 1773, former President Bill Clinton today called upon the Justice Department to arrest high-profile conservatives who are demonizing elected officials.

Expanding upon his comments Friday and Sunday, Clinton said he agreed with two paragons of journalistic integrity, magazine reporters Joe Klein and John Heilemann, who said seditioners Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck should be jailed to prevent them from continuing to make rebellion-inciting statements.

Klein, whose objective reports appear in Time Magazine, appeared on Sunday's "Chris Matthews Show" to discuss the results of his research into sedition. Using the same laser technology that enabled scientists to engrave the entire Holy Bible on the head of a pin, Klein said he was able to fit his extensive research on a little napkin, which he displayed to his fellow panelists.

Klein said sedition consists of language "inciting rebellion against the authority of the state," which he said Beck and Palin had done by questioning the constitutionality of the health insurance bill.

Clinton said Beck also has made seditious statements regarding the U.S. census.

"That chubby little extremist said he wasn't going to answer any questions other than the size of his family on his census form," Clinton said. "That is inciting rebellion because a lot of people are going to hear that and decide it's OK to refuse to reveal their race, their sexual preferences, the serial numbers of their guns, and their phone numbers."

He also criticized Beck for calling upon the Supreme Court to rely upon the intentions of the framers of the Constitution when making decisions.

"The Democratic Party takes great pride in defining the Constitution as a living, breathing document," he said. "That allows justices to use creative means to interpret the document in ways that permit the introductions of modern ideas, such as keeping guns out of the hands of non-criminals and granting women the freedom to have their doctors remove the cranial contents of fetuses at the moment of birth. Opposing the modern interpretation of the Constitution would unnecessarily burden the American people with the outdated requirement that two-thirds of the states must agree with amendments, which certainly constitutes sedition.

"Just as the rioters who illegally destroyed 90,000 pounds of tea in this harbor 236 years ago, the modern Tea Partiers are a bunch of lawless thugs and tax protesters who don't want to pay their fair share. Good Americans everywhere should oppose these extremists, who, if they had their way, would steal unspent stimulus money and figuratively throw it in the harbor by sending it back to the taxpayers."

Klein, who once called the Bush regime "a presidency of stupefying ineptitude," said Clinton's support of his research was gratifying and "made [his] day." Speaking from his rowboat, which was anchored next to the Dartmouth and which he shared with Heilemann, Klein pointed out that conservatives are organizing the Tea Party to take over the government through mobbing the polls this fall.

"When the Republicans controlled Congress, it was a disaster. They cut taxes, rammed through welfare reform, and they tried to take credit for the boom in the economy. We can't afford to go back to the era of the profoundly Un-American Bush regime, when everybody was making moneywhen the poor were illegally denied jobs for handicaps, such as drug addiction, psychotic abnormalities and Exertion Aversion Syndrome."

Heilemann interrupted his note taking to ask Clinton a question.

"You said nobody should demonize public officials," Heilemann said. "Does that apply even when the opposition party is in power?"

"Of course not," Clinton replied. "When you have public officials who are striving to do the opposite of everything we know to be good, it's time to call them the Satanic devils they are. We were right in the '90s to say that Republicans were starving school children and old ladies. Who but the devil would starve a child?

"Nancy Pelosi was right in calling Bush an incompetent idiot who had no experience, no judgment and no knowledge.

"Nobody's right all the time, but we also have to take responsibility for the possible consequences of what we say, and we shouldn't demonize the Obama Administration, its unelected officials or its czars. When we turn them into an object of demonization, you end up with Timothy McVeigh. Everybody knows McVeigh was lying when he said he detonated his bomb to protest my handling of the wacko in Waco. He actually was brainwashed into killing federal officials because he listened to Rush Limbaugh, who was urging people to rebel by voting for Bob Dull and Dubya.

"After Oklahoma City we learned something about the difference between disagreement and demonization. Rush didn't just disagree with me. He made fun of me, the president of the Free World. He conspired with Paul Shanklin to violate copyright laws to hijack songs for the sole purpose of making fun of me and my executive decisions. And yet he is hypocritical because he didn't join my wife in calling out Bush for his incompetence and his unjust and devilish refusal to use resources to save lives after Katrina.

"Now Rush is committing the same crimes against humanity by telling people to vote against those who support redistributing the paychecks of Americans who are fortunate enough to have jobs. Sean Hannity also would be a lot less damaging to humanity if he were put in prison."

Clinton said Palin was a major threat to peace and that she was injecting her extreme right-wing politics into the Tea Party movement.

"She shoots moose with a gun," he said. "Who doesn't think that somebody who is evil enough to turn a wild animal into food would not turn on a political rival? She says the Second Amendment refers to the rights of citizens rather than to the rights of the state, which everybody but right wing she-devils, the NRA and the Supreme Court knows is baloney. Somehow we need to get her guns away from her and leave the moose in Alaska for wolf food.

"And who but a she-devil would refuse to abort a Down syndrome baby? Just to increase her standing among extremists who murder family-planning doctors, she forced that poor son of hers to suffer through a lifetime of debilitation. She already had enough children anyway. By bringing another person into the world, she is only adding to global warming and the carbon footprint of our country, which already hogs the world's resources."

Asked to respond to Clinton's call for the imprisonment of political opponents, Republican National Committee Chairman Michael "Bunza" Steele said he doubted the U.S. Supreme Court would allow such a thing as long as four conservatives and a moderate were seated.

"All the conservative justices have been demonized by the Democrats," he said. "Justices Alito, Scalia, Roberts and Thomas have been called racists, liars, powermongers, idiots, homophobes and predators. And yet they would never abide punishment of those who level criticism at them. If the liberals had their way, President Bush would have been impeached and executed as a war criminal, Vice-President Cheney would be in jail for once having worked for a company that later helped us win the Iraq war, and Rummy [former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld] would have been buried alive in a mass grave with all the Marines who invaded Iraq. I myself have been called an Uncle Tom because I think the federal government is too big and our taxes are too high. If you'll excuse me, I've got some bumper stickers to put on my Expedition."

And with that, Steele turned heel, clutching decals that read, "The Audacity of Hype," "Progressives Aren't" and "Honk if I'm Paying Your Mortgage."

Home page
Article Archive
Synapses Synopsis Archive
You might be a liberal if ...
You might be a conservative if ...
Facebook page
Position on bigotry
Glossary (under construction)

Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

Articles are copyrighted. You may email or use articles if they are attributed to Skinnyreporter.com. Websites may publish as many as 20 Skinnyreporter articles, but you must have written permission to publish any of them in a printed book or magazine.

Note: The names of sources often have hidden meanings. Click on links for facts relating to the stories. We strive to answer the question, What would politicians say if they didn't think normal citizens were listening? A skilled observer studies body language and becomes expert at what some call "reading between the lines." We attempt to fill in those lines.

Please support:

Spurlin Heating and Air
Farmington, Utah

Call 801-709-9280 to purchase an advertisement here ($200 per column inch per month).