'Jersey Shore' Stars
by Johnnie C. Laitley
SEASIDE HEIGHTS, N.J., April 1, 2010 - The eight reality TV stars who were housemates here last summer in the premier series, "Jersey Shore," seldom agreed on anything. But the housemates are unified in their support of the health care reform bill that was signed into law on March 23.
"I was afraid I might have to get a job or get married," Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, 22, told Skinnyreporter.com. "But now President Obama has made it possible for me to live in my parents' home until I'm at least 26 because their insurance company will have to cover me. And if I have a kid or two, they'll be covered, too. This guidette says thank you, thank you, Mr. President."
Michael Sorrentino, who recently filed to trademark "The Situation" nickname to market bathing suits and tank tops, said he is relieved that the health care insurance bill will allow him to continue doing what he said he does best — "partyin' and drinkin'."
"My doctor was sayin' the drinkin' might kill my liver when I get to be really old, like 40 or somethin'," he said. "My parents could pay into insurance all my life and I still wouldn't have the coin to pay for a liver transplant. Now I won't have to worry. I figured this bill was gonna pass, and that's why I re-upped for Season Two."
Jenni "JWOWW" Farley, whose nude photos reportedly have been marketed to media outlets, said she supports Obamacare wholeheartedly.
"I've been dieting like crazy," she told Skinnyreporter. "I gotta look hot in my new unisex-vibe, sexy, edgy clothing line when the show starts up again or nobody will buy nothin'. I've always had this urge to eat too much spaghetti and lasagna, and now insurance will pay for my diet pills and probably my shrink, too."
Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola had nothing but praise for Obama's health care reform bill.
"Our great leader really came through in the end," she said. "Even without a single Republican vote, he got it passed. At first I was worried abortion wouldn't be covered because that could be a big thing for me, but then I saw how our great leader got that Stupak guy to change his vote. Does that joker seriously think our great leader is going to issue an executive order to keep the government from paying for abortions? President Obama has always been on the side of Free Choice people like me."
Giancola's lover, Ronnie Ortiz-Magro, said he originally opposed the health care insurance bill until he realized it would cover any ailments that he might contract from taking steroids to augment his muscular appearance.
"I was hopin' it would pay for the shots and pills I now have to spend good money on," he said. "But them I can afford. What I couldn't afford is if I come down with heart problems or cancer or something someday. Now my worries are over. Thank you, Mr. Obama."
Paul "DJ Pauly D" DelVecchio said the health care reform bill has forced him to scale back plans to hire look-alike disk jockeys across the country."We were going to hire jockeys in all 57 states that President Obama visited during his presidential campaign, plus the the 58th one he said he didn't get to," DelVecchio said. "But then my accountant told me that the new bill says you have to buy insurance for your employees if you have more than 50 of them.
Angelina "Jolie" Pivarnick, who calls herself the "Kim Kardashian of Staten Island," said she expects to receive federally funded health care the rest of her life.
"We're gonna get paid a lot for Season Two,'" she said, "But I was careful not to let them overpay me. MTV was gonna pay me $230,000, but I found out I would have to pay a whole bunch of new taxes if I made that much in one year, so I told them to pay me half that much because there's no way I was gonna pay for medical care and insurance for a bunch of slackers who don't wanna work when I got my behind on the line, working hard to keep people watchin' the 'Shore.'"
Vinny Guadagnino, 22, said his traditional Italian family was opposed to the federal health care reform bill when family members realized they would have to pay taxes for four years before any of the benefits were scheduled to begin.
"Me, I don't plan to make a whole lotta cash anyway in the next four years," he said. "If acting don't work out, I'm gonna go to law school, and law students don't make nuthin'. So I'll get free health care for the next four years, and if I get in any fights, the government will pay for my new teeth."
The results of a new Skinnyreporter poll won't be out until Monday, but preliminary results show that Americans by and large support the health care reform bill. Pollster Con T. Blivut said recent trends indicate decreasing opposition to the health insurance bill.
"The only people who seem to oppose this bill are the wealthy and those with jobs," Blivut said. "But both those groups are getting smaller as President Obama's policies take effect. What we're finding is that those who do not work are almost uniformly in favor of requiring those with jobs to pay for their health care insurance as well as any copays or deductibles," he said. "So it's not surprising to hear that the stars of 'Jersey Shore' are in favor of the bill as they fall into that demographic." — Skinnyreporter.com
Quote of the Day
"But we have to pass the bill so you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of the controversy." — Nancy Pelosi