Coeds celebrate birth control vote

Gays, others boycott opponents

Newt Gingrich said he will win the Georgia primary handily because it will be held before his diminishing lead in the polls disappears. "People will forgive me for having mistresses. Most people have thought of having a mistress or being a mistress, and they're willing to vote for somebody who had the courage to actually do it."

Rush Limbaugh says Democrats fear Rick Santorum, which is why they wouldn't vote for him in Michigan. "You can tell the liberals don't fear Romney because they say they do," Limbaugh said. "That's all the proof I need, and nobody is going to convince me otherwise. Obama's people have been spending millions in negative ads against Romney, which proves they are afraid of Santorum."

Rick Santorum concedes Michigan primary but then takes it back: "The polls predicted that I would win, and it was almost a tie. That means it was a monumental disaster for Mitt and a huge victory for me."

Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum say they would never apologize for the accidental burning of Korans by the U.S. military. "I would never apologize for any inadvertent mistake made by me or any of my associates," Gingrich said. "To apologize for accidents is unconscionable. And even if I'm wrong, I would never apologize for my policy not to apologize."

Rick Santorum regrets saying he wanted to vomit when he heard JFK's speech on separation of church and state. "Actually, I was only 2 1/2 years old when I heard that speech. Everything in those days used to make me want to vomit, especially Gerber's mashed squash."

Killer whales appeal stinging court loss; dogs, cats, cockroaches join petition

by Lee Murr

Feb. 29, 2012, San Francisco, CA — Five killer whale slaves have vowed to continue their legal fight to win emancipation, according to their lead attorney, who said that millions of cats and dogs and billions of cockroaches have joined their appeal to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.

"The whales held in SeaWorld and other aquaria are not giving up just because some ill-informed judge ruled that human rights are reserved for humans," said Freda Fox of the well-respected animal rights law firm, P. Cox & Al Pahkahs. "We are confident that the court will rule in our favor and that eventually all animals will be freed from the bonds of slavery."

Fox said that the other 37 known orca slaves, millions of dogs and cats as well as billions of cockroaches have filed an amicus curiae (friend of the court) brief to support the whales' lawsuit. She said the cockroaches next week will file a lawsuit seeking $1.5 trillion in damages for the tragic murder of billions of their comrades by genocidal humans, "who seem bent on the utter destruction of an entire race of God's living creatures."

Both court battles are being paid for by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), which kills more than 95 percent of the animals in its care to prevent their slavery by human owners. PETA has announced that it is dedicated to shutting down zoos, outlawing rodeos, abolishing the use of animals as pets, fighting the U.S. government's genocidal mission to eradicate the AIDS virus, stopping restaurants from selling meat, and removing animal products from school restaurants.

They are being challenged by PETA 2 (People for the Eating of Tasty Animals, Too), which is funded by the American Dairy Association, the National Egg Producers, the Future Farmers of America, Gays Against AIDS, the International Pesticide Union and 28 other groups that are fighting to retain their rights to deal in animals and animal products.

PETA provides animal translators to P. Cox & Al Pahkahs to facilitate communication between the plaintiffs and their attorneys, who speak officially for their non-human clients.

The chief translator is Dr. John Doolittle, who has dedicated his life to animal languages. He said even the least communicative creatures speak more complicated languages than those understood by the world's most powerful computers, which understand only 1's and 0's.

"AIDS viruses not only can speak binarily by turning right and left," he said, "but also by pointing up or down or by going forward or backward. Interpreting their motions, therefore, is eight times more difficult than decoding the most sophisticated computer messages. It took me months of peering through electronic microscopes before I finally figured out what they were trying to tell me."

And what did the AIDS viruses have to say? According to the good doctor, who was portrayed by Eddie Murphy in an autobiographical movie, "viruses agree that any creature is a creation created by the Creator and, hence, deserves the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Animal body language reader C.M. Wiggle said most humans easily can understand cats, dogs and horses, but it takes a talented body linguist to understand individuals of species that suffer limited range of movement in their limbs and facial expressions.

"I had to spend almost a year with orcas before I finally figured out they thought of themselves as slaves," he said. "It wasn't until last year that I realized they admired human emancipators by their increased exuberance on Lincoln's Birthday and Martin Luther King, Jr. Day."

Wiggle said most orcas hate working at SeaWorld and other amusement parks, where they are forced to act friendly toward human slave owners and perform tricks for the unsuspecting public.

"How would you like to have to swim and jump all day just to get a sashimi meal?" he asked.

Wiggle said he is currently helping the orcas negotiate with SeaWorld to be fed a vegetarian diet of tofu and seaweed rather than be forced to eat other unfortunate animals, such as sardines and salmon.

"Orcas aren't hypocrites," he said. "They believe all animals deserve human rights, not just whales but fish and dogs and bugs and germs, too."

Meanwhile, other organizations are ramping up efforts to take other non-human rights issues to court.

The non-profit group, Chickens Resisting Animal Patties (CRAP), is staging feather dances at county fairs to sue a dozen Holstein steers for their anti-fowl "Eat Mor Chikin" campaign.



PETP (People for the Ethical Treatment of Plants) has filed a suit on behalf of soybeans to prevent the diet change sought by SeaWorld orcas.

"Plants have just as many rights as animals do," said PETP President Bob Apples. "Now, if plants die naturally, we have no problem with using their remains, such as letting cattle eat dead grass or Halloween trick-or-treaters bob for apples, but in no circumstances should we allow plants to be killed just to make a meal. Tofu comes from soybeans, and soybean plants should not be forced to abort their young to make prison meals for vegans or killer whales."

Limerick of the Day

When from this life you do break
And your corpse is feeling no ache
Then I suppose
Is cause for repose
If you're already dead,
Why a wake? — Craig LaRocco

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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Note: The names of sources often have hidden meanings. Click on links for facts relating to the stories. We strive to answer the question, What would politicians say if they didn't think normal citizens were listening? A skilled observer studies body language and becomes expert at what some call "reading between the lines." We attempt to fill in those lines.

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