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Rick Santorum said he's willing to bet that Mitt Romney is addicted to gambling: "First he tries to bet $10,000 that Governor Perry was lying about what was in Mitt's book, and now he says he wants to bet me that he's going to be the Republican nominee. I'll bet Gamblers Anonymous could help him."

Attorney General Eric Holder says the government must brainwash Americans into hating guns. "If that doesn't work, let's try mass hypnosis," he said.

Romney is such a weak frontrunner that he has only a few more delegates than all of his competitors combined, Gingrich says: "If Rick and Ron would drop out, I would be pretty close to sending Mitt back home to Massachusetts or Michigan or Utah or whever he's from."

Obama's oil policy is based on fantasy, says Charles Krauthaummer: "Obama is a dreamer, but his dream is our nightmare."

Santorum admits his tactic to call himself the most conservative candidate while labeling Romney a "Massachusetts moderate" has failed. "I forgot how easy it is nowadays for people to look up how I've changed my positions," Santorum said.

Labor supply at all-time high, employment czar boasts

by Tom Katz

March 19, 2012, Washington, DC — President Obama's employment czar today told Face the Nation host Bob Schieffer that his boss has created a bonanza of workers never before seen in America.

Moore Budd, director of the the president's Program for Oversight of Resources (POOR), said employers have a wider choice of employees than has been available in the nation's history.

"President Obama's policies have cured a problem that President Bush created," he said. "The Bush tax cuts made it much too easy for companies to be profitable, resulting in excessive demand for skilled as well as unskilled workers and a corresponding inadequate supply."

Deputy Economic Adviser Slim Pickens III, grandson of the late actor, said President Obama solved the problem by wisely reducing the demand for labor while simultaneously increasing the supply. He said the key was Obamacare, which caused businesses to cut back on hiring.

"Insurance rates naturally increased under Obamacare," he said, "because insurance companies are forced to pay for things that Democrats want them to pay for. The consequence was predictable: Companies cut way back on hiring because they are more concerned about making a profit than hiring new exmployees that will cost them money.

"The result is that we finally have an abundance of prospective employees."

The president's science chief, Dr. I.N. Stein, said Obama's handling of overemployment in the energy sector was an important factor in increasing the labor supply.

"When he placed a moratorium on new oil drilling in the Gulf Coast," he said, "that was big. Practically overnight fast food establishments found it easier to find hamburger flippers, french fry fryers and milk shake makers.

"That move was so successful that he decided to cancel oil and gas leases in Utah, place new regulations in place to discourage oil drilling on public as well as private land, turned down the plan to extract oil and natural gas from the Arctic, and then he showed great courage by rejecting the Keystone Pipeline because he knew it would take thousands of workers out of the labor supply."

Big box stores are celebrating the increase in labor supply by hiring employees with considerable experience in disciplines not usually associated with retail selling, said the new majority owner of Walmart, Mississippi businessman Ty Kuhn.

"We used to hire a lot of cashiers and stockboys who had barely graduated high school," he said. "But this wonderful new supply of laborers has improved the quality of our new employees by a huge factor. Now we have former contractors, newspaper reporters, portrait photographers, bankers and missile engineers on our night crews."

The new Immigration and Customs Enforcement director, Lowe Paye, said the labor supply could be even larger, but President Obama was forced to balance the needs of employers with the needs of undocumented immigrants.

"The president doesn't want too many undocumented immigrants to go back to their home countries," he said. "These immigrants represent the future of the Democrat party, and we simply cannot afford to lose them. And neither can the farmers, who tell us that if they are forced to hire from the pool of workers who already have U.S. citizenship, they would have to pay more, which would force food prices to rise.

"It's vital at this time in our history to limit inflation of food prices because Americans tend to vote out the political party in power when they can't afford to fill their refrigerators. We're already having a tough enough time trying to keep food from getting too expensive because the evil oil companies have been raising their gasoline prices."

President Obama, called by his supporters the most intelligent president ever, announced today that he has used his intellect to devise a policy that could simultaneously reduce the price of gasoline and boost the supply of laborers.

"Raising taxes on oil companies will bring down the price of gas," he said. "Simple-minded politicians in the past gave oil companies subsidies for producing more domestic oil, but they failed to take into account the law of supply and demand. The more gas they produce, the higher the price. The cheaper it is for the oil companies to do business, the more they charge.

"Some of the idiots who want to run against me in November think oil companies will charge more if they have to pay more in taxes. I'm way to smart to fall into that trap. And so I'm immediately calling on Congress to cancel $4 billion in tax breaks for the oil companies."

White House Economic Adviser Baugh Rowe Moore said Obama is dedicated to maintaining an adequate supply of laborers.

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