Demos Meet in Secret To Save Election
by Will Wynn
HONOLULU, Hawaii, Oct. 19, 2010 — Top-level Democrats today met behind closed doors, hoping to reverse polls that indicate a Republican landslide in November elections.
A mole who goes by the pseudonym, Anita Hanke, recorded the meeting on her cell phone and emailed the entire mp3 file to Skinnyreporter. She disguised the file by giving it the name of Aviril Lavigne's song, "Losing Grip," which proved to be appropriate.
Many of the voices on the tape were unrecognizable, so Skinnyreporter brought in former FBI voice analyst I. Hurja Wright, who used sophisticated equipment to identify the participants.
Vice-President Joe Biden led off the discussion.
"We're losing big time," he said, "but I'm convinced that we can still win running away if people know that we stand for higher taxes, free abortions, minimum wages for everybody but government employees, gay marriage and amnesty for illegal aliens."
James Carville, a former advisor to President Bill Clinton, agreed.
"Voters are too stupid to figure out things that are subtle or complicated," he said. "We've gotta start talking straight. If I hear 'pro choice' one more time, I'm going to scream."
"I tried that!" yelled Howard Dean, a former Democrat presidential candidate. "It don't work!"
Former Republican Arianna Huffington, who converted to liberal extremism when President George W. Bush invaded Afghanistan, said Democrats running for Congress have not been liberal enough.
"People don't want to vote for somebody who might act like a conservative," she said. "They want more from the government, and they're willing to get other people to pay for it. Who would vote against bigger welfare checks? Nobody!"
Florida Congressman S. Knotts Oliver said Democrats are losing because voters understand the issues all too well.
"I'm going to lose my career because voters are mad that I voted for ObamaCare and the so-called stimulus package," he said. "They're telling me they want lower taxes and less governmental spending."
"They've been watching Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck too much," cried President Obama's chief political campaign strategist Joe Kerr. "They have people convinced that corporations create jobs. We need to convince people that it's the government that provides the best jobs."
"What kind of jobs?" asked Barr F. Lye, who is running for Tom Daschle's former seat in the Senate.
"Good bureaucratic jobs," Kerr said. "The kind of jobs that pay double, have great benefits and are almost impossible to get fired from. That's what people want — more government jobs."
"And how do we get the money to hire more people to work for the government?" Lye asked.
"Easy," Kerr said. "Just raises taxes on wealthy Americans. If we tax them enough, they'll have to cut back on hiring people to work for their own companies, and then there will be more people for the government to hire. Look, we need more teachers, more policemen, more firemen, more forest rangers and now that President Obama has decided to keep the Army in Iraq and Afghanistan indefinitely, we need more soldiers, too."
Oregon Congresswoman Iona Stonehouse said she is losing ground in her re-election campaign precisely because President Obama has stepped up the war in Afghanistan.
"He was against President Bush's surge in Iraq," she said, "and now he is trying the same thing in Afghanistan. Plus he has said he will keep 50,000 Army men and women in Iraq indefinitely. If President Obama would announce tomorrow that we are completely pulling out of the Middle East, I might still have a chance to keep my seat."
Faye K. Beard, a transexual Democratic pollster who used to be a policeman in San Francisco before the city council included gender change surgery in medical coverage for municipal employees, said people are leaving the Democrat party in droves.
"When we ask them why," she said, "it's usually because they blame the Democrats for making the recession worse and making it last longer. They used to blame Bush, but then they realized that everything was going great until the Democrats took over Congress, so now they blame our party even though it was the minority Republicans who slowed down our progress."