President Obama says he won't hire his Indonesian boyhood transgender nanny to watch after his children: "I don't want them to question my manhood, let alone my national identity."

"Bill Maher is funnier than Rush Limbaugh, and that's why we didn't complain when Maher called Sarah Palin the c word," says National Organization of Women President Sue Widge.

Rush Limbaugh apologizes to Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke: "I'm sorry for using insulting word choices," he said. "Next time I will consult a thesaurus before describing a floozy who wants taxpayers to pay for her recreational unmarried sex."

Santorum says he will beat Romney if Gingrich drops out. Romney said he will win if Gingrich, Santorum and Paul drop out. Obama says he will win if Gingrich, Santorum, Romney and Paul drop out.

Santorum says Drudge is a Mitt cheerleader: "Drudge keeps writing that Mitt has won the latest state," he complained.

Arizona investigators shocked to learn that President Obama's birth certificate is an electronic fake.

"I'm 99 percernt sure I was born in America," Obama said, "but I don't remember anything before elementary school in Indonesia."

One third of women would swap IQ for larger breasts, a British survey reveals. "Almost 90 percent of women who want the swap already have low IQs," said Dr. Wyatt Hertz, a plastic surgeon who specializes in breast augmentation. "Most were willing to have fatty tissue transferred from their crania to the upper chest — memories for mammaries."

Obama demonstrates his economic genius: "If we increase oil companies' expenses, I'm pretty sure they'll increase production and reduce the price at the pump."

Gingrich ecstatic over latest poll: "I'm almost third now!"

Rick Santorum is so good at debating that he can persuade supporters to disagree with him, says Ann Coulter.

Mobile App to Determine Names and Expressions in Skinnyreporter Scrawling (MADNESS)

ANNOUNCEMENT: We regret that the MADNESS smart phone application is experiencing a cessation of functionality after multiple viral attacks by the Liberal Defense League. Skinnyreporter's IT Department is currently engaged in the perfection of a renovation and modernization of the software that will be impervious to intrusions by politically adversarial hacks. Meanwhile, simply consult the Skinnyreporter glossary for assistance in the interpretation and translation of the camouflaged meanings in Skinnyreporter communications. Alternatively, readers might consider periodic exercise of synapses to aid divination and comprehension of abstruse names and terms.

Note: Skinnyeporter does not take responsibility for the writing style of the above announcement, which was crafted by tech staff who were educated by professors who believe that writing is meant to impress rather than to express. If Skinnyreporter were to craft the above announcement, it would read as follows:

MADNESS no longer works because liberal hacks have attacked the app. While Skinnyreporter techies are fixing the problem, just consult our glossary or use your brain to figure out the hidden meanings of names and terms in Skinnyreporter articles.

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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