Obama encourages protesters

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'Tea Party is America's enemy'

Feds expand graphic warnings

NASA rover Opportunity finds alien exploratory robot on Mars

by C. E. Diasi

Sept. 2, 2011, Los Angeles — NASA announced today that its solar-powered robotic rover Opportunity, which just arrived at the Endeavor Crater after seven years of roaming Mars, has beamed back hundreds of digital photographs of an abandoned robotic monitor of alien origin.

The rover, covered with odd engravings and laser etchings, sports a pair of thick antenna that NASA scientists have identified as atomic-powered 5,000-power electronic telescopes that are perpetually pointed at earth.

"This confirms our worry that aliens are planning to take over earth if we continue to cause global warming by burning fossil fuels," said Dr. Ray D. Aischen, who heads a team of scientists from Penn State University and the NASA Planetary Science Division. "Conservative talk show hosts made fun of us when my team of researchers warned of such a scenario last month. We now feel we have been vindicated."

Former Vice-President Al Gore, whose Oscar-winning documentary film, "An Inconvenient Truth," alerted the world of global warming, said he predicted long ago that aliens would attack the earth in a preemptive strike if humans continued to drown polar bears by using gasoline-powered lawn mowers rather than EPA-approved electric grass cutters.

"If the residents of other planets see that we're too stupid to save our own planet," he said, "they realize we then could damage other planets. It's only logical that aliens would seek to destroy the most serious threat in the history of the universe on their way of life."

The chairman of the United Nations Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), Dr. S. Cayer Maughn Gurr, said he will ask the UN immediately to ban the burning of any carbon-based fuels, including oil, gasoline, kerosene, coal, natural gas, wood chips, recycled newspaper and buffalo chips. He said he will insist that all nations adopt the recommendations of the University of East Anglia's Committee to Reduce Atmospheric Pollutants (CRAP), which has been in the forefront of largely successful efforts to manipulate and destroy data in to convince governmental officials that fossil fuels should not be burned.

"We know how to cure global warming and reduce the risk of alien attacks," Committee Chairman Dr. Lott A. Lyles said at a hasty news conference. "The solution is actually very simple. We've been trying to get people to adopt this solution for years, but now that we know the aliens are watching, we're going to insist on it. All you have to do is stop driving and turn off all your appliances. Turn off your furnace, turn off your air conditioner, turn off your stove and your microwave, your TV and your radio and send your car to the junk yard. Get a goat to mow your loan, or just let it grow. Buy a good sleeping bag and good hand-powered fan, and you'll be good to go."

UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, whose father Ban Two-Dah Moon, said any person or corporation who fails to voluntarily cease using energy will be assessed a carbon tax that will "necessarily cause the use of energy to skyrocket in price to a level so high that nobody will be able to afford it."

Some scientists, however, argue that in the rush to prevent alien attacks over the global warming issue, it would be prudent to adopt the only long-term solution to reduce energy consumption — reducing the demand.

"We won't get a handle on global warming until we stop humans and other methane-producing mammals from reproducing," said Yale University Professor Ab Stennants in a Scientific American article. "From time immemorial people have been gobbling up carbon-based resources. Even if everybody has a sleeping bag to keep warm and works at home on a remote network connection, people still need to eat, and we must use fossil fuel based energy resources to farm and to transport farm produce. The only way to stop our addiction on fossil fuels is to require all humans to be sterilized.  And while we're at it, we must sterilize all ruminants, such as cows, sheep and goats because they emit large quantities of methane, which we now realize is the most dangerous global warming gas known to science. Flatulence threatens the very existence of our species."

Dr. Al Wayes Keptokol, who heads a loosely organized group of 22,000 scientists who say global warming is a natural phenomenon that has been going on for 400 years, said he won't believe the robotic earth monitor found on Mars is of alien origin until he is presented with more proof.

"The scare mongering global warming activist scientists get a lot more press than we scientists who demand proof of such things as man-caused global warming and alien threats on earth even though we far outnumber them," he said.

"I think it's much more likely that the robot on Mars came from earth than from any other planet.

"First, we know that earth exists, and we don't know there are aliens who are intelligent enough to send a robot all the way to Mars from their home base.

"Second, if there is life on another planet, it is far more likely to be in another galaxy, of which we know there are 100 billion than from another planet in our galaxy.

"Third, any other planet is so far from our solar system that aliens would have to wait eons for a robot to send them a message. The center of the closest galaxy groups are 11.6 million light years away from Mars. Let's just say the aliens had technology that is capable of sending a robot to Mars at an average speed of 1 million miles an hour, which is about 50 times faster than our fastest rocket ships. Just to go 1 million light years in distance would still take 669 million years. And to get a broadcast message back from Mars would take 1 million years. So I think it will be a long time before they realize the earth is warming up and even longer to figure out that it is just a natural phenomenon and no threat to them at all."

(Editor's note: Be sure to click the links to get background on this story."

Quote of the Day

“If ... space aliens were planning to attack and we needed a massive buildup to counter the space alien threat ..., this slump would be over in 18 months. And then if we discovered, oops, we made a mistake, there aren’t any aliens, we’d be better …. There was a ‘Twilight Zone’ episode like this in which scientists fake an alien threat in order to achieve world peace. Well, this time, we don’t need it, we need it in order to get some fiscal stimulus.” — Columnist Paul Krugman of the New York Times

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