Ministers banned on federal property

Volcano solution proposed

Clinton: 'Jail conservatives'

Alaskans thankful for 'saved' jobs

Obama lists successes

Obama defends 'broken promises'

Bank bill could save DNP

Pelosi banned on Air Force 1

Pushing 'spread the wealth'

Demos unveil gun control

Entertainment Fairness Bill

Feds to remove religious symbols

'Jersey Shore' on health care

'We Want Our Country Back!' Immigrants Say

by Noah Paye Piers

TUCSON, Ariz. — Thousands of undocumented immigrants demonstrated across the country today, demanding that President Barack Obama and his "Progressive" Congress act quickly to return ownership of six southwestern states to Mexico.

"We want our country back," said Wanda Green Card, president of the Tucson Mexican-American League. "Mexico used to own Arizona, New Mexico, California, Nevada, Texas and Utah, and now we think it's high time these states become part of Mexico once again."

Appearing on a 30-foot JumboTron in support of the demonstrators, Obama urged patience.

"We know we stole the West," he said. "And we're mighty ashamed of the rich white folk who did it.

"When Father Escalante hiked into the desert and carved his name in a tree, he rightly claimed what is now the Southwestern U.S. for Mexico.

"The Indians never lodged a written complaint before the statute of limitations ran out, so that means Mexico got the land. And then those dirty white settlers took it from Mexico. It's a shameful page in our history that we would like to turn. However, it's going to take a little while to turn everything over to Mexico, so you must show patience."

Obama said the first step will be his proposed Immigration Bill of Rights (IBR), which will grant legal status to any Hispanic who has migrated to the United States without proper documentation since 1908.

"It is vital to pass this bill before the next election," Obama said, "because polls indicate that Republicans will take over Congress if we don't act soon. The IBR will bring between 20 and 30 million new voters to the Democrat Party. There's still hope that the tides will turn, and we can continue to run the country."

He vowed to spend $83 billion in stimulus funds to ensure that new citizens are registered as Democrats in upcoming elections.

"That gives us no less than $2,766 per voter to get the job done," he said. "Imagine what you could do with $2,766. Maybe buy a plasma big screen."

The crowd's reaction was delayed as Spanish subtitles appeared, but after about 15 seconds, the Tucson crowd broke into applause. Skinnyreporter journalists reported similar reactions in all 50 states where massive immigrant demonstrations were taking place. Supporters carried Mexican flags and chanted Spanish phrases.

Ivan Dinero, president of Hispanic Amnesty and Trade Equality (HATE), said Mexicans, Central Americans and South Americans have long anticipated amnesty.

"More than half of the undocumented immigrants we have surveyed said they came to the U.S. because they were led to believe that amnesty was coming," he said. "President George W. Bush's 2004 amnesty bill was published in all the newspapers south of the border, and the lure of amnesty and instant citizenship attracted millions of people to this country. They were angry and disappointed that the Republicans defeated Bush's bill.

"Now they're devoted Democrats, and with Obama's IBR promise of free health care, free housing for new citizens, free education and free food stamps, these immigrants will be Democrats for generations. They will far outnumber the Republican voters who are still brainwashed by the outdated concept that you should work for what you get."

Alissa Dimans said she is constantly in fear of being arrested for a minor crime, such as driving without insurance, and then deported to Mexico.

"I already pay coyotes three times to get me to California," she said. "But my family has weed crops in mountains. My father need me to help harvest and sell."

Document reproduction specialist Bona Contencion, who hails from Monterrey, Mexico, said his business might suffer if immigrants are issued genuine papers. But he said he quickly could apply his skills to making money, an idiom that might be lost on some.

Americans have been extracting resources from the Southwest for decades, said Mora Fristafa, a migrant farm worker from Chihuahua, so immigrant laborers are right in demanding that the government pay for their basic costs of living.

"Once we get citizenship, we vote to take back farms that used to be part of Mexico," he said. "My family wants avocado orchard and tomato farm. My dream? Hire white people for picking my crops."

U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder said he would delay enforcing immigration laws until politicians have time to implement Obama's policies.

"I'm certain taxpayers don't want us to spend money enforcing a law that is likely to be changed soon," he said.

Roberto Quenadia, a meat packing plant worker from Coahuila, said he is encouraged by the Obama Administration's efforts to help undocumented immigrants.

"I want amnesty," he said, "but only for people here already. If everybody in Mexico come here, not enough jobs in Obama economy. I don't want to lose my job to somebody who should not be here."

Quote of the day

"Civil disobedience: The core of American defiance against kings and emperors." — Ted Nugent

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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