Interior head proposes wolf bounty

Terrorists learn from TV

Military builds bathrooms, bunks for gays, transgenders

Gaye Barr

THE PENTAGON, Dec. 31, 2010 — The U.S. military is spending billions to accommodate openly gay and transgender soldiers, recently outed Three Star General Felix Cided told Congress today.

The day after Congress voted earlier this month to eliminate the law known as "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," the Joint Chiefs of Staff assigned Cited to incorporate necessary changes in the military.

"The first thing I did was announce that I myself am gay," Cited said. "I felt that we could not require gay military personnel around the world to reveal their true sexual preferences unless I did so first."

He said the construction of alternative restrooms are underway in all military facilities worldwide.

"We have decided to build nine restrooms, nine shower facilities and nine bunkhouses at each location," Cited said. "They will be labeled male hetero, female hetero, lesbian, gay male, bisexual, pre-operative male-to-female transexual, pre-operative female-to-male transexual, post-operative male-to-female transexual and post-operative female-to-male transexual."

Gay organizations are saluting the change, calling it long overdue. U.S. Air Force Colonel Leica M. Erika said she has cancelled plans to retire and to move permanently to Europe to escape the anti-gay sentiment that she has encountered in the American military.

"As a post-op male-to-female transexual, I had to keep my past a secret for two decades," she said. "It was embarrassing to go into women's bathrooms because I still like women, and I simply could not go into men's bathrooms. Now I can have my own. Praise to Mr. Obama, who got this thing moving."

Some military personnel are still openly opposed to accepting gays and transexuals in fighting units. Private First Class Header O. Ladd of North Carolina said he doubts that gay soldiers will be willing to sacrifice their lives to save an openly heterosexual male.

"If I reject the come-ons of a gay soldier, will he really have my back?" Ladd asked.

Cided said personnel who fail to identify their true sexual preference will be discharged.

"We must know a person's persuasion in order to accommodate them properly," he said. "It's no longer, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' It's now, 'Will Ask, Must Tell.'"

Cided said he consulted with gay organizations before deciding on the best ways to accommodate personnel of various sexual persuasions.

"We thought about designating entire bases to a single sexual preference," he said. "For example we considered restricting Mare Island Naval Station to lesbian sailors. But we rejected that concept because the prohibition against open homosexuality has kept many gays from entering the service, so we simply don't have enough gays to staff entire military bases."

Former male Army sergeant Lacy Shorts said she/he looks forward to bunking with other post-op male-to-female transexuals.

"When I was still a man, I didn't feel comfortable sleeping with another man," she/he said. "And yet nobody would let me in the women's quarters, where I thought I belonged. Now I'll be able to retire at nights in a post-op transgender bunk house, where I'll feel right at home. I might even stop wearing chokers to cover my Adam's apple."

The Army is considering a change in its policy that keeps female soldiers away from combat.

"In the past 10 days we have had thousands of male soldiers say they want to be considered women," said Four Star General Shea Peely, who used to be a male animal control officer in San Francisco before the city paid for his/her lopitoffomy. "We think they're just trying to avoid battle, so we'll probably start making all sexual preferences and genders fight on the front lines from time to time."

Some well-known gay celebrities have announced that they intend to join the military now that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" has been repealed.

Sir Elton John, Jim Nabors and Richard Simmons said they want to fight in Afghanistan to defeat the Taliban, which has long persecuted and even executed gays.

"We can't take all gays," said the woman who is in charge of Air Force recruiting, Major General Mary A. Leighdy. "Elton, Jim and Richard are too old, too fat and too romantic, plus Elton has a husband and a young child at home."

Nabors was especially disappointed to be rejected for military service because he wanted to act out in real life the role he had as Gomer Pyle.

"Ah, shucks," he said. "I feel like a hound dog that just tried to eat a porcupine. It really stings!"

Recently outed gay singer Ricky Martin said he intends to perform for gay soldiers around the world in an upcoming USO tour.

"I'm going to sing Elton's song, 'Something About the Way You Look Tonight,' Jim Nabors' 'Say You'll Stay Until Tomorrow,' and George Michaels' 'You Have Been Loved.'

"Just as I now feel free, so will military gay people feel free to say whom they really love."

Assistant Secretary of Defense Willie C. Ewe noted that staring in the mass showers, rubbing against others and other sexual behavior will no longer be tolerated in the military services.

"It's not 'Show and Tell,'" he said. "It's 'Tell, But Don't Show.'

The man who heads the U.S. Navy, Admiral R. M. Pitt, said sailors will continue to be "packed like sardines" into submarines and certain other watercraft but that personnel will be punished if they display any physical manifestations of arousal.

"Our motto is 'Make War, Not Love,'" he said.

Colonel Ima Q. Weir, who is in charge of the Air Force Security Forces, said that intimate physical contact is prohibited between unmarried as well as married military personnel.

"Congress has banned all discrimination based on sexual preference," she said. "Attorney General Eric Holder has interpreted that to mean that to give an exception to married couples would be discriminatory and unfair since gays may not marry in most states.

"Therefore, married couples may not procreate or recreate in certain ways until one or both parties retire from military service."

Representative Charles Rangel (D-N.Y.) said he again will propose reinstating the draft now that "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is no longer U.S. law.

"Some of my buddies got out of fighting in Korea by saying they liked men," said Rangel, a veteran of the Korean War. "Some of us just refused to say we were gay, so we fought and ran off to Canada. Most of my draft dodger pals got arrested and sent to prison, where they turned gay anyway."

Mattel Inc. toy company has announced that it is making changes in its product line to reflect the modern military.

"We are coming out with camouflage clothing for Barbie as well as providing military equipment for our American Girl products," Company President Skip Roper said. "We started vacuum forming pink plastic Army soldiers this week, and we will soon select colors to designate other persuasions. Instead of boring green, our little Army men and women will come in a whole rainbow of colors."

Quote of the Day

"You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight."

— Barry Goldwater"

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