Democrats: 'We Should Have Attacked More'

by Raynor Schein

WASHINGTON, D.C., Nov. 5, 2010 — In the aftermath of their worst loss in 72 years, Democrats today said they should have engaged in more negative advertising and campaigning.

"Voters in America are afraid of wackos," said Bern Bridges, an analyst for the Democratic National Committee. "Since most Republicans and almost all Tea Partiers are nut cases, we should have done a better job of pointing that out. We won almost 80 percent of the races where our candidates went all out to slam their opponents."

Bridges pointed out that several of the highest profile races turned out to be easy wins for the Democrats after they ramped up attacks on the character of the Republican candidate.

"Jerry Brown was losing ground until his campaign manager called Meg Whitman a whore," Bridges said. "Even liberals don't want a prostitute for a governor, and so that turned out to be an easy win."

He pointed out that Republican Christine O'Donnell was moving up in the polls in the New Hampshire senatorial race until Democrat supporters found an old video tape of her admitting that she had dabbled in witchcraft.

"Even Republicans who wanted to sweep us out of office didn't want to use a broom," Bridges said. "Even after we found out that O'Donnell was the wicked witch of the right, she was still doing OK until we revealed that she was an absolute nut for opposing pre-marital sex. The public might put up with a witch but certainly not a virgin witch."

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said he owes his career to his campaign manager, Egyptian-American Ali Belor, who convinced him to reveal "the dark side" of opponent Sharon Angle.

"I was losing by 11 points in the polls until I finally got up the courage to tell people about the real Sharon Angle," Reid said. "Once they found out that Angle supports domestic abuse, hates schoolchildren, and wants unemployed people to starve, my triumph was certain."

Senator Barbara Boxer of California attributes her win over businesswoman Carly Fiorina to her attacks over Fiorina's opposition to partial-birth abortion.

"Fiorina is totally out of step with most Californians," Boxer said. "Once I revealed that she is opposed to scooping out fetal brains just before vaginal birth, her fate was sealed Nobody wants a nut case who would criminalize a medical procedure."

U.S. Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla.) blames his loss to Republican Daniel Webster on a lack of negative advertising.

"I waited too long to call my opponent Taliban Dan," Grayson said. "I should have pointed out long before the final weeks that he wants to blow up Mount Rushmore in much the way as the Taliban blew up the buddhist statues. He has already bought all the TNT he needs to blow up Abe Lincoln for freeing the slaves."

Democrat Jack Conway, who lost to Tea Party favorite Rand Paul in the race to represent Kentucky in the Senate, said his negative advertising was placed much too early.

"I gave my opponent far too much time to deny that he tied up a woman and made her worship the Aqua Buddha," Conway said. "I had that story verified by the woman, Corona Bier, whose parents immigrated from Germany and Mexico. She is pretty sure that she remembers the incident quite well even though she was plastered at the time. But I gave the Republicans too much time, and they paid her off by promising to get her out of jail if she would agree to entering another 12-step program."

Conway said he would have succeeded in portraying Paul as a racist bigot if his "idiot campaign worker Tyler Uppigen" had not "stupidly decided on his own" to march in two campaign parades on the same day.

"I'll be running again in six years," Conway said. "And this time we'll get the job done right. There's no way I'm going to lose to a white pimp who hates minorities and children and wants to starve old people to death."

Michael Bennett won the senatorial race in Colorado by less than a percentage point over former prosecutor Ken Buck.

"I wouldn't have won if I hadn't told the voters that Buck supports date rape," Bennett said. "I learned a big lesson in this election, and so when I run to retain my job in 2016, I'll be on the offense early and often."

Assistant White House Press Secretary Bill O. Nea said President Obama and congressional candidates will meet after his $3 billion trip to see the Festival of Lights in India to plan strategy over the next two years.

"If the Republicans won't compromise with us and support gays in the military, wealth redistribution, higher taxation on the wealthy, federally funded abortions and socialized medicine, we might have to resort to calling our enemies what they are," Nea said. "Which is to say racists, idiots, zealots, American Taliban, homophobes, child haters, polluters and religious nuts."

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“A national political campaign is better than the best circus ever heard of, with a mass baptism and a couple of hangings thrown in.” — Henry Louis Mencken

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