Today's Synapses

Liberals think it's OK to force Catholics to pay for other people's birth control. -- I.C. d'Lyte, American Freedom League.

Obama: "Conservatives think socialism sunk like the Titanic. We're raising the hull and welding the cracks and making it absolutely unsinkable."

Psychiatrist May Niyack: "Liberalism is a personality disorder that results in a tendency to overvalue one's own opinion."

Obama: "I don't concern myself with the stock market. In the war against capitalism, there will be some collateral damage against the middle class who might have stupidly invested in stocks or mutual funds."

Santorum and Gingrich vow to campaign indefinitely

by Aretha Holly

April 2, 2012, Pittsburgh, PA — Republican presidential candidates Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum held a joint press conference today to announce their intentions to continue their campaigns indefinitely.

"I was thinking of quitting if I don't become the nominee at the convention," Santorum said. "But I've changed my mind and have decided that I'll go until at least Inauguration Day. You never know when somebody might keel over — even a Mormon who doesn't smoke or drink like Mitt Romney. So I'm still holding out hope that I will be the next president of the United States."

Gingrich said his hopes are pinned on a last-minute gaffe by Romney.

"If Mitt does something stupid, such as tell the Russians that he will give in to them after the election," he said, "the American people will demand his impeachment even before his inauguration. I'll probably continue campaigning through 2015 until I announce my next campaign."

Santorum Campaign Coordinator Owen Cache said the former senator from Pennsylvania has raised enough money to campaign for 10 months but admitted that Santorum must hitchhike to reach the last few states in the primary election schedule.

"We also don't have enough money to compete with Romney in advertising," he said. "But we're starting to figure out how to get on the news for free. We were amazed at all the free publicity we got when Rick said bulls&$# to a New York Times reporter. I'm advising Rick to add a few more words to his vocabulary. Each one has got to be worth something like $10 million in free advertising. We have come up with a list of 41 four-letter words that could benefit Rick."

Gingrich Campaign Financial Manager Rusty Blades admitted that his largest donor, casino owner Sheldon Adelson, has decided to quit gambling on the former speaker of the House.

Adelson confirmed the news and announced that he will be supporting Mitt Romney.

"I'm betting on Mitt," he said. "But I'm not a gambler. I didn't make my fortune by betting against the house. I am the house. That's one reason I like the former speaker of the house. And that's why I'm now supporting the future occupant of the bigger house, the White Hosue."

Gingrich said that despite a lack of funds, he will continue his campaign on a shoestring.

"I have supporters all the time invite me over for dinner and a place to crash," he said. "I'm going to start taking up people on these offers. Under my arrangement with Callista, I can sleep wherever I want."

The former speaker said he is $1.6 million in debt, which qualifies him to be president.

"How can we ask a man who is worth $100 million or more to be our president?" he asked, obviously referring to Romney. "He has no idea what it's like to be running in the red all the time. I am uniquely qualified to be president because I have run my campaign into the ground just as the Democrats have run our country into the ground."

To fund his campaign Gingrich began charging supporters $50 to be photographed with himself and said a similar strategy would work on a national level.

"If every senator and congressman charged $50 at least 500 times a day, we could pay off our national debt in less than 2,700 years," he said. "Maybe you'd better check my math, but I think I'm pretty close."

Gingrich said he is opposed to using his own funds to extricate his campaign from debt.

"I earned my money the old-fashioned way," he said, "by providing historical services to Freddie Mac for only $1.6 million. Even though I haven't kept a detailed history of how a history professor could make so much from a federally subsidized agency, it's still my money, and I ain't giving it up.

"I certainly am not going to get in the habit of paying for things that I can get others to pay for. After all, that's what I did as Speaker of the House — use taxpayers' money to pay for things my backers wanted, such as the Newton Gingrich bridge to nowhere."

Santorum said he has made enough money from speaking engagements that he can afford to campaign "until the cows come home or the chickens come home to roost, whichever is sooner."

"The longer I campaign, the more I can charge for speeches," he said. "And that's one thing that I'm getting really good at — giving speeches. People will come from miles around not just to hear what I have to say but also how I say it."

Santorum said that even though fewer than 1 in 1,000 voters makes as much money as he does, he can identify with average people.

"Look, I only make $1 million a year, plus or minus a hundred grand," he said. "Romney pays more than that in taxes. So, unlike Mitt, I can identify with the average American. My grandfather was a coal miner, so I'm only two generations away from working hard for a living."

Santorum said he is convinced that the silent majority of Republican voters favors him and will eventually dominate at the polls.

"My supporters and I are sick and tired of having the primary electorate shove their candidate down our throats," he said. "I actually think the pathway to my election is clear, and that is to persuade the delegates that will go to the Republican convention two months before the election to switch from Newt and Mitt and Ron Paul to me. I don't care how many people endorse Governor Romney or how many delegates he thinks he has won by using the fuzzy math employed by the lamestream media, websites and Fox News. It's not over till the fat lady sings, and I haven't see her yet!"

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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