Republicans accuse 'lamestream' media of covering up Obama gaffes

by Lex Sherri Cruz

Oct. 26, 2011, New York, NY — The mainstream news media is conspiring to cover up gaffes by President Obama in an effort to get him reelected, according to the Republican Party's new chief of public relations, Eileen Wright.

"If it weren't for Fox News, bloggers and conservative talk show hosts," she said, "nobody would know that Obama makes as many dumb mistakes as George W. Bush ever made.

"And when Obama's latest gaffe gets leaked, the mainstream media make excuses, saying things like, 'President Obama was simply tired,' rather than incessantly making fun of him the way they made fun of President Bush."

She said Obama's recent gaffe, saying a billionaire should "pay the same tax rate as a Jew — as a janitor," is glossed over while the media repeatedly made fun of Bush when he told an audience, "You're working hard to put food on your family."

A professor who studies the relationship of intelligence and eloquence, Dr. Stan Murr of the Oxford University Language Department, theorizes that Bush's linguistic stumbles were a result of thinking too fast, while Obama commonly says what is on his subconscious mind.

"For the most part, the media portrayed Bush as a dunce who was too stupid to speak intelligently," Murr said, "while Obama is often said to be the smartest president we've ever had. Surprisingly, my research indicates that Bush has a higher IQ than John Kerry, Al Gore or Barack Obama. Bush's mind is so sharp and quick that he is usually thinking of his next remark before he finishes vocalizing his last thought. Bush is like a typist that is too fast for a typewriter, even an electric.

"Obama, on the other hand, typically exhibits verbal velocity that is roughly equivalent to and often higher than his cognitive processing speed, which can lead to problematic vocalizations when his Teleprompter is malfunctioning or has been stolen. As a typist, he would pick out the keys with one finger on each hand."

Ruben Studdard, named American Idol Season 2 winner in 2003 and now a psychologist for the American Stuttering College, said Obama and Gore are typical of speakers who tend to speak haltingly without a written script, "often stammering, hesitating, stammering, stuttering, spluttering and even sputtering."

"Some stutterers are pretty smart but have been subjected to extreme emotional stress since childhood," he said. "Most stutterers, however, are lacking in intelligence. We use the HVI, or Hesistancy Vocalization Index, which is a count per minute of 'ers,' 'uhs' and 'ums' and other verbalizations that tend to buy the speaker time to think, such as 'look' or 'you know' or 'OK.'

"You subtract the HVI from an IQ of 100, and then you add the average number of words per sentence without stammering or stuttering. Ryan Seacrest, Herman Cain, Mitt Romney and Bob Costas rank really high. President Obama and Nancy Pelosi don't do so well."

Democrat Party Chairman A. Paul Eaugist said Obama's gaffes are not as important as those of Republicans because "the president's heart is in the right place."

"Everybody knows President Obama realizes there are just 50 states, not 58 as he accidentally said," Eaugist said. "He was just really tired from traveling on the Intercontinental Railroad to such remote states as West Dakota and Costa Rica."

Obama was recently criticized by conservative bloggers for pushing his "shovel-ready jobs bill" at an Ohio bridge that won't qualify. Eaugist defended the president, saying the bridge needs to be supplemented by a new bridge that will be started in only four years.

"That's a short time in political years," he said. "Four years is only a little longer than the president has been preparing a plan to create jobs."

White House Assistant Press Chief Maurice "Mo" Rawnick said the president's critics are, "mean to say that he means to say what he says when he says what he doesn't mean to say, and it's equally mean to say that he says what he means even when he doesn't mean to say what he says."

"President Obama always says what he means except when he doesn't mean to say what he says, and he means what he says except when he doesn't say what he means," Rawnick said.

"When President Obama said, 'The Middle East is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries,' everybody knew what he meant," Rawnick said. "He meant millenia."

Speech therapist Chrysanthemum Bills of the University of Michigan at Menominee (UMM) said politicians such as Obama are prone to making so-called Freudian slips.

"President Obama obviously knows how inefficient and impersonal the federal government can be," she said. "So it's perfectly predictable that he would say something like, health care reform would bring 'greater inefficiencies' to the health care system."

Some gaffes are actually the fault of the president's staff and not the chief executive himself, admitted White House Scheduling Secretary Dawn Keyes, who said she "felt like an a$$" for not giving her boss the complete date when he signed a guest book at Westminster Abbey earlier this year.

When asked for the date, Keyes told Obama the day of the month but forgot to add the year, taking blame for the president's dating his signature three years earlier.

She also accepted responsibility for the president's misidentifying a soldier who had lost his life in Afghanistan for one who was still living. While addressing troops in New York, Obama said, "A comrade of yours, Jared Monti, was the first person who I was able to award the Medal of Honor to who actually came back and wasn't receiving it posthumously." Unfortunately, Monti had been killed.

"I almost got fired over that one," Keyes said.

Some of the president's mistakes are the result of attending elementary school in Jarkarta, where he learned the language, geography, geology and history of Indonesia rather than of the United States, according to his third grade teacher, Ms. Teyhk.

"When little children in Chicago were learning the location of the states, Barry was learning the boundaries of Pegangsaan and Menteng Dalam," she said. "So nobody should expect him to know that Illinois borders Kentucky or that Arkansas is not closer."

A former Texas spelling bee champion, I.B. Foree, who has been hired to proof read all GOP written matter, said the press pilloried Former Vice-President Dan Quayle for misspelling "potato," essentially ending his political career in 1992, but virtually ignored Obama's misspelling "advice."

Former candidate for vice-president, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, said she isn't bothered when the "lamestream media" ignores minor mistakes by President Obama, such as thinking Austrian is a language.

"What irks me is they ignore his big mistakes," she said. "Like burning 9,000 gallons of jet fuel on Earth Day. Or thinking that we need to borrow more money from China to buy Chinese wind turbines. Or shut down domestic oil drilling to solve our energy crisis.

"But I do have to laugh when the president does something goofy, like give 25 bad DVDs to the prime minister of England. How embarrassing!"

Links of the Day


Another military gaffe for Obama

Top 10 list of Obama gafffes

Obama too smart to speak clearly


After a day of working behind men

The procto sat to write in his den

Finding his thermometer instead

He tossed it and said,

Dang, some dirty bum stole my pen

— Jared LaRocco

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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