Press chief finds humor on the job

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Obama Praised for Violating Oath of Office

by Anne Teak

WASHINGTON, D.C., Feb. 27, 2011 — President Obama today was praised by a wide spectrum of citizen groups for refusing to perform his sworn duty to enforce a federal law, the Defense of Marriage Act.

"President Obama is the first president so far who has had his priorities right," said Ware D. Resez, president of the Union of Gay, Lesbian and Y Chromosome Cross-Dressers (UGLY CD). "He showed courage by choosing to do the right thing rather than abide by his oath of office. It takes a special man to defy Congress, refuse to enforce U.S. law and ignore the badly outdated Constitution. We're proud of him."

Assistant White House Press Secretary Harry Lages said the president concluded that the Defense of Marriage Act was unconstitutional, poorly conceived and violated civil rights.

"President Obama could not in good conscience spend taxpayer funds to defend a law that defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman," he said. "The law was passed by unqualified and politically motivated representatives who had been elected by uneducated voters. As a former senator, he knows how inexperienced legislators can pass misguided bills."

In debates during the 2008 presidential campaign, Obama had been applauded when he said, "Marriage is a union between a man and a woman."

"Everybody knows that a smart politician must says things to get elected," said Democrat campaign adviser Norma Lee Smart. "And no politician in history has been smarter than President Obama, as has been evidenced by the many positions he has reversed since the election.

"The Patriot Act is a good example. He railed against its key provisions during the campaign but just signed an extension."

Legislative Czar Sayid Turac said Obama is pioneering a novel way of adjudicating the constitutionality of congressional bills.

"The Supreme Court takes years to sort through case law and to study both sides before the justices make a ruling," Turac said. "It's much easier for the President to rule on a law. He is not required to waste time studying case law or even to listen to arguments for or against. He simply calls in his supporters and if they don't like a law, he can simply rule that it is unconstitutional without having to waste time writing a paper to justify his decision."

Former alcoholic Bud Wiser, the acting director of the Liberal Activists Union of Gay Hairdressers (LAUGH) said he will not forget Obama's courage as he ties the knot with his partner, former American Idol finalist Melvin "Mel" O. Dee.

"Mel and me are gonna wear black-and-white checkered wedding dresses in honor of our first half-black president," Wiser said.

Obama's decision was hailed as "pure bravery" by Mary Moore, public relations chief for the American Polygamists Bureau (APB).

"Now that marriage cannot be defined legally as a union between one man and one woman, we polygamists have finally been awarded legal status," she said. "Not only may men marry multiple women, but finally women can marry multiple men. This will end the confusion over bigamy, trigamy, polygamy and monotony."

A spokeswoman for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) announced that Obama's decision will not cause the church to restore polygamy.

"We've spent 120 years trying to dispel the misconception that Mormons are polygamists," said church spokeswoman Mary A. Richman. "We're not about to throw all that effort out the window now."

U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder said he is in the process of writing revisions to the presidential oath of office so that future presidents will not be forced to defend an outdated document inscribed on animal skins.

"A President should govern according to his own beliefs, unhampered by restrictions put in place by long-dead persons or by politicians who are elected by the uneducated masses," he said.

"President Obama is the first leader of the United States to decide which laws should be defended and which should be ignored. His true courage results from genuine convictions."

Some liberal members of Congress say they are relieved to know that laws that they were unsuccessful in defeating in voting can be neutralized by the president.

"It used to be that the law of the land was nothing more than a popularity vote," said San Francisco-area Rep. Polly Waugg (D-Calif.). "Until now, if Congress went along with what the people wanted, we had to rely on the courts to make things right. Now the president offers us another layer of protection from politicians who vote the way their constituents want."

Rep. Tad Pohl (D-N.Y.), an openly gay congressman, said the Supreme Court no longer can be counted on to counter public opinion because five of its nine members were appointed by Republican presidents.

"Until now the gay community has made all of its major strides in court," he said. "If it were up to the public, homosexual acts would still be illegal. Almost every time there has been a public referendum on gay marriage, our opponents have won, and we have had to find a judge who would throw out the law. But we couldn't depend on the Supreme Court anymore, so we're happy to have a president with the courage to violate his oath of office in order to protect gays from majority rule."

How do run-of-the-mill citizens view the Obama administration's unprecedented action to decide which federal laws to enforce?

Skinnyreporter tracked down two ordinary plumbers who gained a measure of fame during the 2008 presidential campaign, Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, popularly known as Joe the Plumber, and Obama supporter and gay journeyman pipefitter Russ T. Pypes.

"This is just another indication that Obama cannot be believed for what he says," Wurzelbacher said. "He reads whatever his teleprompter or public polls tell him to say, but then he does what he believes in his core, which is socialism, anti-capitalism and social liberalism. His oath of office meant nothing to him."

"What happens if Sarah Palin becomes president and picks and chooses the laws her administration will enforce?" he asked. "She could overturn Roe v. Wade or the death tax or Obamacare or rules allowing gays to serve in the military. It could be a disaster."

Quote of the Day

"I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States." — Article 2 of the U.S. Constitution, an oath that the president must make when inaugurated.

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