Theologian-in-Chief issues 11th Commandment

by Selma Sohl

Feb. 3, 2012, Miami, FL — President Barack Obama, acting in his role as Theologian-in-Chief during a rare appearance at the National Prayer Breakfast on Thursday, issued an 11th Commandment to the voters of America: "Thou shalt take from those who have and give unto those who have not."

Obama said he felt responsible to implement measures that are aligned with the teachings of Jesus Christ.

"As a Muslim ... er ... I mean, a Christian," he said, "I consider it my duty to see to it that all Americans have the opportunity to live the Gospel as I understand it.

"Jesus taught, 'Unto whom much is given, much shall be required.' And so I expect Congress to support my plan to raise taxes on the fortunate and privileged so that they can receive all the blessings that God has in store for those who give unto the least of my brethren."

Obama encouraged Americans to exercise their faith.

"Have faith," he said. "Have faith in me, your chosen leader, to do the right thing. Trust me. Those who have more than they need must give more so that I can fulfil the mission that God has given me."

The president said his reading of the scriptures has indicated to him that more money must be spent on food stamps, non-collaterized loans to solar energy companies, the production of electric cars, stopping "oil pipelines that would desecrate this holy land," funding Planned Parenthood, subsidizing mass transit, and providing grants to the National Endowment for the Arts.

"Among my sacred duties as God's chosen leader is to preserve the inalienable right that the Creator has given to all women to end unwanted pregnancies," he said, raising his voice in a manner reminiscent of a Southern preacher. "And I pledge to end the wicked practice of allowing the wealthy to make millions in filthy lucre simply by investing in evil corporations.

"There's something intrinsically wrong with allowing private enterprises to hire people and make a profit off their labors."

Approximately half of those who were attending the prayer breakfast cheered and fell to their knees, raising their hands heavenward. Most were senators and members of the House of Representatives, but many were religious leaders.

"Praise be unto God, who sent his chosen son of Indonesia, Kansas and Hawaii to save the world!" shouted the Rev. Al Sharpton of New York. "For he has told the truth, and the truth shall set ye free!"

The Reverend Jesse Jackson had tears in his eyes as he watched the worship.

"Glory be to God and his modern Messiah!" he muttered.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner said he has long prayed for the day he would hear the gospel of social justice preached by the leader of the free world.

"Everybody knows that it's wrong to let people keep money they don't need," he said. "The government needs more money, which is obvious when you see that it spends 40 percent more than it brings in. Maybe mixing religion with government isn't so bad after all."

Some Republicans rejected the president's call for coerced generosity.

“In 2008 the president declared that his nomination was the world historical moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal,” Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah said. "Someone needs to remind the president that there was only one person who walked on water, and he did not occupy the Oval Office."

Presidential candidate Rick Santorum said his study of the scriptures has found nothing to show that Obama's claim that taxing the rich is authorized by the Bible.

"Now, I’ve read the Bible, and I must have missed that passage," he said.

Obama said Muslims and Jews also are under an obligation to share their wealth.

"My tax policy mirrors the Islamic belief that those who’ve been blessed have an obligation to use those blessings to help others," he said. "And then there's the Jewish doctrine of moderation and consideration for others.

"I think it is my sacred duty to moderate the spending of the wealthy and require them to give consideration as well as remuneration to others."

Obama renewed his call to remove tax deductions for charitable giving.

"Churches don't know what to do with money," he said. "Often they spend it in ways that are antithetical to the principles of this great nation. Some churches, for example, fund efforts to prevent gays from entering into holy matrimony, while others seek to destroy the freedom of the press of such mighty voices as Hugh Hefner and Larry Flynt."

The president said citizens should follow his lead and give less than 1 percent of his income to charity.

"It is far better for the government to determine how charitable giving is spent," he said. "The federal government certainly is more effective and efficient in determining where the real needs are and distributing them accordingly. Most people aren't as stupid as Mitt Romney, who gave about 15 percent to charity just in the past two years.

"Just think about how much the federal government could have done with that dough. We probably could have kept Solyndra going for another couple of weeks."

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