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Shocker: Obama reveals he personally shot Osama bin Ladenby Les March
May 2, 2012, Washington, DC — President Obama shocked the world today by revealing that he was the Navy Seal who ended the war on terror by killing Osama bin Laden a year and a day ago.
Osama said he trained for five months to perform the mission, the same amount of time that was required to decide whether the CIA had good intelligence on the location of the No. 1 terrorist leader.
"All this time I've been criticized for golfing more than all other previous presidents combined," he said, "when actually I was training. I had to give up cigarettes and Big Macs in order to complete the physical training, and then I had to learn how to fly a helicopter just in case our pilot became a casualty."
As it turned out, flight training came in handy because the president's chopper pilot was injured when he slammed into a wall inside the compound. Obama said he took over the controls, flew over the wall and landed outside the compound, where he led Seal Team 6 out of the helicopter and back over the wall.
"It was cool," said the president, who recently has been criticized for being too cool. "We used hooks and lines just like you see on TV, and we rushed inside the compound with guns blazing. We caught Osama in the bedroom with one of his wives, trying to make another terrorist, and before he could find a weapon, I put a few bullets in his head and one in his groin for good measure."
Obama said he had posed for pictures with his security team in Washington before joining the raid, and at his direction those photographs were released to make people think that he had merely watched the assault rather than taking part in it personally.
"Initially, I was a little hesitant to kill a Muslim," Obama said, "but our polling indicated that most Democrats would support me, and so that was the route I decided to take. I don't think Mitt Romney would have performed that mission even though he looks to be in good shape. Let me assure you that he would have a tough time at his age scaling that wall."
Obama said he awarded himself a purple heart after he hurt his back trying to carry bin Laden's corpse back over the wall. He said he is waiting for nominations from his team members for the Congressional Medal of Honor but is concerned that he might not receive the award because other Seal Team 6 members are upset that they did not get to join in the shooting.
"Some of my own team are conservatives who now are trying to say anonymously that I wasn't even there," he said.
Obama said it was important to kill bin Laden rather than take him captive because any prison where he was held would have been subject to attacks by Islamists seeking fame, fortune and 72 virgins. He said he rejected the idea of turning the terrorist over to local authorities as President George W. Bush had done after the military captured Saddam Hussein.
"I wasn't about to let some anonymous executioner try to take credit for hanging him," he said. "It was just a lot simpler to send bin Laden to see Allah immediately rather than prolong the trip."
Obama said he personally attended bin Laden's burial at sea to make certain that sharks were cruising nearby before the corpse was thrown overboard.
"Osama lives on in the hearts and minds of sharks in the Middle East," he said. "I, for one, am glad to get rid of him because I was getting tired of people mixing us up in conversation. I can't tell you how many times I used to hear Osama did that or Obama did this, and they had us switched. Ever since Osama became a dearly departed soul, the confusion level has gone way down."