Pakistan: 'We thought Osama's hideout was an aspirin factory'
by Cora Spaundant
ISLAMABAD, Pakistan, May 9, 2011 — Pakistani anti-terrorism officials today said they had not considered investigating Osama Bin Laden's compound in their 10-year search for the Al Qaeda leader because they thought the facility was an aspirin factory.
"We certainly did not want to make the same mistake as President Clinton in taking out a pharmaceuticals plant," said Fattah Th'Nevva, the rotund director of the Pakistan Intelligence Bureau.
"We thought all the children and women in the Abbottabad compound were minimum wage factory workers," he said. "It makes perfect sense because 14-foot walls topped by razor wire are required to keep the workers on task."
U.S. Secretary of Labor Barb D. Wyer said such security is common in Afghanistan, where the minimum wage is a bowl of porridge a day.
"It's only natural for some laborers to wish for more," she said. "And that is why we are committed to sending $3 billion to the government of Pakistan again in 2012. We consider this to be a wonderful start to President Obama's program to spread the wealth. And we also need the government's help in rooting out terrorists who are bent on destroying Pakistan's government."
Pakistan Urban Terrorist Zone (PUTZ) Security Chief Aya Gauda Ty Niwan said Bin Laden cleverly had his women and children pretend they were migraine headache victims who were taking part in a study to determine the effectiveness of aspirin.
"From my office at the Pakistani Military Academy [the country's version of West Point, which was only 1,000 yards from Bin Laden's hideout] I could hear the sounds of wailing and crying coming from the compound at all times of day and night," Niwan said. "That, along with the Bayer Aspirin signs that Bin Laden had erected on the facility's walls, had us convinced this was a pharmaceuticals factory."
Pakistan is committed to rooting out terrorists, said the country's co-vice-presidents, Ayatellah Wan Sing and Duwa Nada at a Friday news conference.
"We're as pleased as fruit punch that America has taken out the No. 1 terrorist in the world," Sing said. "We're just angry that the U.S. did not get our permission or cooperation.
"Believe me, if we had found Bin Laden first, we would not have put him out of his misery so quickly. We would have attached his privates to the same sort of electrical fence charger that we use to keep camels out of poppy fields. I assure you that after a few charges of 30,000 volts, Osama would have given up his own mother."
Nada said that Bin Laden eventually would have been executed by stoning or decapitation by a dull knife in the same way that Pakistani women who are accused of pre-marital sex are punished.
"We need the United States to trust us to do the job," Sing said. "However, unless the Americans increase foreign aid to our country and pledge to stop military operations inside our borders, we cannot in good conscience continue to cooperate in Obama's global war on terror.
"We realize we have to be tougher with terrorists," he said. "I am proposing a new law that would make suicide bombing a capital offense.
Quote of the Day
"Common sense tells you he [Bin Laden] was executed. That was the plan all along. Just tell us that and quit treating us like children." — Michael Moore, mockumentary maker