Muslims, liberals, media protest murder of unarmed Osama

by Dee Leete

NEW YORK, N.Y., May 5, 2011 — Some news media, left-wing politicians, Islamic and Christian clerics and run-of-the-mill Muslims are blasting President Barack Obama's decision to kill an unarmed Osama Bin Laden.

In an odd turn of events, conservative talk show hosts Laura Ingraham, Sean Hannity and Wright Winger suddenly found themselves defending Obama.

"Our president did the right thing," Winger said. "It would have been too dangerous to take Bin Laden alive. He would have been even more dangerous in prison than in his compound in Pakistan, where he had no telephone, no TV, no Internet hookup and no weapons."

Hannity said the chief jihadist could have planned far more terrorism from any American prison, even at Guantanamo Bay, than from Abbottabad.

"I'm just mad the White House won't release accurate information on the raid or any photos of Bin Laden," Hannity said. "Obama said he would run the most transparent administration in history, and yet it took Donald Trump to get him to release his birth certificate and now he won't release photographic proof that Bin Laden is actually dead."

CBS News Religion Advisor H. Ellis Hale, a Catholic priest, said today that Obama should not have approved the killing of the No. 1 terrorist in Al Qaeda.

"Christ taught us to forgive," he said. "The U.S. should have captured him and then corrected him by making him spend time in a correctional facility. I'm sure that deep down Osama Bin Laden is a good man, devoted to his family. He deserves a second chance."

Rep. Mel Lowe (D-Calif.), chairman of the Congressional Peace Caucus, said he is disappointed that Obama "would stoop even lower than President Bush and have an unarmed man shot."

"Bush said dead or alive. Obama said dead. I didn't think Obama's campaign slogan, 'Change You Can Believe In,' was good to start with because prepositions are not good things to end sentences with. But I didn't imagine what kind of change we would end up with.

"I can't believe he has changed into a guy who invaded Libya, kept 50,000 troops in Iraq, accelerated the war in Afghanistan, put off a tax hike, sent hundreds of billions of tax dollars to overseas banks and giant corporations, and then sent his soldiers out with orders to kill no matter what. The way I hear it, Bin Laden easily could have been captured."

CNN Religious Editor I.B. Looney, a gay preacher in the California-based Church of the Benevolent Herb, said nobody can say whether Obama was an evil man.

"Jesus taught us not to judge," he said, "and I try to stick by that principle unless the person in question is a conservative."

Stinging from criticism, The White House began changing its description of the raid that led to Bin Laden's death. Obama initially reported that the most wanted man in the world was captured after an intense firefight during which a female human shield was shot and killed, leading to the impression that Bin Laden went down firing.

Then White House Chief Propagandist Jay Carney held a press conference, demonstrating that he knew next to nothing of the assault.

"Look, guys, they gave me some file cards with some stuff on them," Carney said before the cameras were turned on. "I'll read these, and then you can ask questions, and then I can read them again."

Carney's notes revealed that the dead woman had not been been used as a human shield at all but was caught in crossfire. She had not even been on the same floor of the compound as her leader.

Then word leaked out that one of Bin Laden's wives was shot in a leg when she rushed the Navy Seals after they entered the room where she was spending the night with her husband. Troops then shot and killed Bin Laden with a bullet to the chest and one to the head. Carney admitted that Bin Laden had been unarmed.

A firestorm of criticism erupted, and CIA Director Leon Panetta attempted to quell the flames, saying weapons were found in the house.

"We found several squirt guns, which could have been filled with cyanide or radioactive water shipped from northern Japan," he said. "We also found 12 deadly serrated weapons cleverly concealed in a utensils drawer in the kitchen. DNA tests showed that these weapons, which had six-inch blades, had been used to slice through cooked goat meat, which is much tougher than living human flesh."

Panetta admitted that Bin Laden himself was unarmed but said that Obama had received intelligence that Osama would be wearing a vest laden with explosives that could be detonated to kill prospective assassins.

"He didn't actually have a vest," America's chief spy said, "but he could have been wearing one under his robes. Our intelligence sources were just as wrong on this as they were on Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction. However, we are certain Osama had such a bomb vest, but we think he sent it to Syria before our raid.

"President Obama has directed me to say nothing more of the raid for two chief reasons: One, he doesn't want to be accused of lying like Bush for passing on misinformation from intelligence sources, and two, information that we want to protect from public scrutiny could be compromised by continually evolving stories and the sorts of natural contradictions that occur when there is a concerted attempt to conceal the truth."

Meanwhile, Pakistani officials, upset that they had not granted the U.S. permission to conduct the operation, said their search of the house after the attack yielded no weapons.

"We could have prevented this tragedy," said Pakistan Security Director Raiz Z'Ded. "In most cases, when we are notified in advance, we are able to use proper channels of communication to ensure that no Taliban or Al Qaeda victims are harmed in attacks."

Within hours of Obama's announcement that Bin Laden was dead, pictures that purportedly showed the deceased leader's body were circulating on the Internet. White House officials quickly labeled them fakes even as survivors of Bin Laden's attack on the Twin Towers demanded genuine photos.

Obama then announced that no photos would be released, saying they were too gruesome and might incite Islamafascists into violence.

"We've seen too much gruesomeness in the past 10 years," he said. "We've seen the bodies of Saddam and his two sons. We've seen the results of the 2010 elections. We've seen Al Qaeda and Taliban terrorists saw the heads off hostages. I just don't think anybody really needs to see Bin Laden dead. I've pledged never to release the photos unless they are necessary to ensure my reelection."

Rush Limbaugh, who hosts the No. 1 radio talk show in the world, said his listeners didn't care how Osama was shot.

"As long as they got him," he said, "that's what is important. He was evil and he got what he deserved. Besides, we never could have convicted him with all the evidence that would have been excluded in an American courtroom. We would have spent millions on public defenders, and then he would have died from kidney disease long before we could ever sentence him. It was good that we sent him to a trial in another venue where they recognize true evil."

The New York Times published an editorial decrying Limbaugh's label of "evil."

"Limbaugh is as wrong on Osama as he was on Obama," read the editorial, purportedly written by Assistant Editor Arthur Scribbler. "He said Obama would not continue the fighting in the Middle East, and now he is saying Osama won't get into heaven."

U.S. Navy Chaplain Theo Lowe Jenn said Bin Laden's body was treated with the respect that is typically accorded to an internationally famous former Muslim. The Seals dragged it out of the compound and into a helicopter, where it was transported to a ship in the Arabian Sea. He said Capt. Russ T. Steele had been instructed personally by Obama to wrap Bin Laden's body in linen, attach the package to a spare anchor and send it overboard.

"Capt. Steele was really disappointed that Osama was dead," Jenn said. "Capt. Steele wanted to give Bin Laden a really nice going away present — the ultimate waterboarding experience."

The Obama Administration initially claimed that it had ordered burial at sea because no country would take Bin Laden's body. When several countries came forward to say they would have accepted the corpse, Carney said marine interment was necessary to prevent Al Qaeda sympathizers from building a shrine to the departed jihadist. When Carney was asked for more details of Osama's death, he became visibly angry.

"Look, we're not going to say anything more," he said. "But I will say that even though Bin Laden might have been unarmed at the time he got his boarding pass to paradise, it is immaterial because by the time the sharks in the Arabian Sea were done, he definitely was unarmed as well as unlegged."

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I just want to point out that “buried at sea” means “dumped in the ocean.” This could be the best Shark Week ever. — Jimmy Kimmel

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