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Email shocker: Palin is conservative!

by Beau Heemion

June 14, 2011 — Critics say nearly 25,000 newly released emails proved the shocking truth that Sarah Palin is a hateful right-winger who plays God, believes in myths and distrusts the news media.

Palin fought the release of the emails, which she sent or received during her term as governor of Alaska. More than 650 reporters continued poring through the messages today, unveiling an astonishing portrait of a woman who opposes almost every position taken by what she calls the "lamestream media."

"These emails prove that Palin is against almost everything the mainstream news media and President Obama is for," New York Times reporter Penn N. Hand said Tuesday. "She is against higher taxes, increased deficit spending, abortion, and increased restrictions on oil drilling.

"The shocking truth is Sarah Palin is a boring conservative."

Critics say one of the emails prove that Palin is playing God. Washington Post reporter Lou Siffer said the message is worded as though it had been written by "Heavenly Father" and calls as a blessing the upcoming birth of her son Trig, who would be born with Down Syndrome.

"Who could possibly call a handicapped child a blessing?" Siffer wrote. "If anything, Trig's birth as a mutated primate is proof that there is no God."

Others have pointed to the letter as additional proof that Palin did not give birth at all.

"This is more evidence that Palin faked her pregnancy," wrote blogger Joe McGinnis. "Everybody knows she could have bought a fake pregnancy belt from Hollywood. I'm now more convinced than ever that Trig is actually the son of her daughter Bristol, who had to ditch the child so that she could do her gig on 'Dancing with the Stars.'"

ABC News television commentator Rob R. Ball said the emails also show that Palin believes in myths.

"She refers to God as though he's real," Ball said. "She also isn't sure whether dinosaurs lived before humans, and she thinks we can reduce our dependence on foreign oil by allowing oil exploration and recovery in Alaska."

Some journalists say the emails prove that Palin has changed from a friendly, knowledgeable and competent politician into the idiotic and clueless icon that is portrayed on Saturday Night Live and in the mass news media.

"I thought we would find evidence in the emails that she was undergoing a fundamental psychological change," said CBS News reporter S.A. Yist, "but she evidently changed after she finished serving as governor."

CNN Reporter Dee Menchia said he has not found a single journalist who would vote for Palin if she decides to run for president.

"Right now Palin is running second in polls as the favorite among Republican candidates or potential candidates," he said. "That proves that there are plenty of uneducated and unsophisticated voters who live in middle America..

"Journalists who are close to the news realize that President Obama is far better than any of his challengers. We better than anybody else understand that the definition of genius is to expand government through stimulus spending over and over again until we get a different result."

Quote of the Day

"[Palin is] ... viewed with a kind of horrified fascination by many in the media, who faithfully records everything she says and does while at the same time decrying her as ignorant and even evil." — Toby Harnden

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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