Obama to pardon OJ Simpson, Bill Ayers, Bill Clinton

by Maude L. Siddozen

Nov. 25, 2011, Washington, D.C.— President Obama has been compiling a list of American citizens who will receive presidential pardons before he leaves office. Topping the list are admitted bombing terrorist Bill Ayers, perjurer William Jefferson Clinton and football star Orenthal James Simpson, who was acquitted of murder but convicted of armed robbery for stealing memorabilia items that he said were stolen from him.

The news was revealed Wednesday by Presidential Pardon Committee Chairman Childe Morris "Mo" Lester, who said the president is also very likely to pardon any protesters involved in the Occupy Wall Street movement.

"People who are putting their freedom on the line fighting for wealth redistribution deserve amnesty," Lester said. "President Obama appreciates their support in convincing the American people that wealth redistribution is good for everybody, and he is not about to let the Wall Street occupiers suffer black marks on their records for resisting the establishment."

Committee Member Byrd Brayne said the group has hired the Gallup Organization to assess public support for pardoning 30 million undocumented citizens.

"If enough people like the idea," Brayne said, "the president likely won't wait until just before inauguration to issue mass pardons. Instead he will do so before voter registration deadline because most illegal aliens support his efforts to redistribute wealth and would most likely ensure his reelection."

Committee Attorney Sue Moore said she is in negotiations with the leading Republican presidential candidates over reciprocal pardons.

"We've made some very generous offers to Romney, Gingrich, Cain and Bachmann," she said. "We are offering to pardon George W. Bush and Dick Cheney for any war crimes if they similarly agree to pardon President Obama."

If such negotiations fail, Moore said, the president most likely will pardon himself.

"Such an action has never been taken," she said, "but the Constitution does not prohibit it, unless the grantee has been impeached. Since the Senate is controlled by Democrats, it is highly unlikely that President Obama would be impeached before he pardoned himself. But we don't want to let the Republicans go after him for invading Libya, invading Pakistan or assassinating American citizens who are in al Quaeda."

Moore said the president has been reluctant to issue pardons except in the case of drug and gambling crimes.

"As a former drug user himself," she said, "the president doesn't think it's right that marijuana or cocaine dealers should rot in jail."

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